Top of the morning afternoon to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree? This week’s mid-week mashup was ENjoyable! I’ve been pairing my wines with everything from breakfast foods, to spliffs, to chocolates, and I’ve been doing fine, just fine! I think even Her Majesty may be lightening up about my little legal matter. I know dear Charles has.
But enough about me; where are my manners?
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Monday
George Zimmerman Petitions Russia for Asylum, Asks Edward Snowden “Can I stay with you?”
American neighbourhood watchman George Zimmerman has reportedly started the week off by petitioning Russian leader Vladimir Putin for asylum claiming that he lives in daily fear for his life following his ‘Not Guilty’ verdict in the shooting death of an American youth of African descent named Trayvon Martin.
It is reported that in his petition, Zimmerman stated he was in “no position to live out the remainder of his life under the watchful eye of passersby, misjudged by potential employers, and in fear of being shot/killed – you know, life as a black man.”
While reactions to the verdict were split with some in favour and some opposed, several observers claimed the verdict was nothing more than “payback for OJ.”
He is also said to have reached out to fellow ostracized American, Edward Snowden, as a potential flat-mate. No word on Snowden’s response.
Senior Drug Distribution Executive Arrested in Mexico
CEO of Fortune 500 drug distribution company, Merck Zetas, Miguel Angel “Z-40” Trevino, has been arrested along with 2 other executive staff members.
While many are hopeful of a decrease in the violence employed by the organization, some indicate that Trevino’s arrest will have no real impact on the US-Mexico drug trade.
A source close to the case, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated “Mr. Trevino is a businessman in a very lucrative business. Its all about supply and demand. Zetas works very hard at supplying the insatiable American pharmaceutical demand. Its unfair, but someone is already primed to take over.”
It is unclear whether Trevino’s brother, Omar “Z-42”, will take over the reins or if it will be split between the DEA and the Sinaloa cartel, as in times past.
And yes, Kate is still pregnant.
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Tuesday
Pippa Pissed at @Pippatips
Seeking to throw her sister’s weight around, Pippa Middleton has unleashed her attack-lawyers on Icon Books in an effort to get them to remove the loveable Twitter account ‘@Pippatips.’
The witty @Pippatips is a charming, advice-ridden Twitter account that highlights Ms. Middleton’s own style. Offering advice such as “Headache tablets can be a great in helping deal with a headache” and “Dressing up in nice clothes is a stylish way to look great at a party” is deemed a public service, not a nuisance as Pippa claims. Its pure parody Mat Morrisroe- and Suzanne Azzopardi-style, i.e. its not that serious and neither is a woman named “Pippa.”
By the way, her sister is STILLLLLLL pregnant.
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Wednesday
Pakistani leader shocked by attack on Malala, tries to lure her with promise of education
Adnan Rasheed penned a letter expressing shock over the shooting of young Malala Yousafzai by members of his own extremist group. Sources close to the story say his shock over the shooting of the young activist was said to be because “the Taliban’s infamy is rooted in bombings, not shootings.”
Rasheed invited Malala back to Pakistan, calling for her to
Malala, now living in central England, responded to the offer with a simple
The Taliban leader indicated the supposed smear campaign is an act any reasonable human being can determine to be bad behavior, but the judgment of the shooting of a teenaged girl ‘must be left to God.’
No, Kate hasn’t had that bloody baby yet.
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Thursday
Fans Introduce Snack-sharing Program During Rihanna Concert
UK music lovers are serious, hardworking and generous people and demonstrated those attributes recently at pop star Rihanna’s Diamonds World Tour at Manchester Arena when the junior diva arrived late for her own performance.
While it was rumoured that some of the shows attendees began throwing their crisps at the singer in retribution for her tardiness, some at the show countered that by citing that fans had waited so long for the show to start, they began sharing their provisions among each other while they waited patiently for the proverbial ‘curtain to rise.’ #BeOnTimeForWork #ShineBrightLikeaPringle
In other news,
American Actress Develops Gestational Cannabis Withdrawal
Evan Rachel Wood has been mindful to keep her Twitter-family appraised of her pregnancy through frequent updates. Referring to her pregnancy as a “whirlwind roller-coaster”, the 25 year old has confessed she was craving pickled onions and peanut butter Pop Tarts, cravings she suggests were undoubtedly brought on by her severely reduced marijuana intake.
It has been reported that the actress only smokes marijuana as prescribed by her doctor for treatment of mild to moderate glaucoma. #WinkWinkNudgeNudge
Guantanamo to Offer Free Prostate Exams and Colonoscopies
The US government is celebrating a recent court decision that allows it to perform prostate exams and colonoscopies on all detainees of Guantanamo Bay’s naval base located in Cuba.
The procedures, recommended by physicians to be done on an annual basis, are performed at Guantanamo several times a day – prior to leaving one’s cell, and upon return, at least several times a day.
The US extols the frequency of the intimate medical procedures and their two-fold benefit, citing: 1) early detection of cancers or abnormalities leads to early treatment and 2) it serves to decrease the rate of smuggling by inmates because everyone knows that terrorists smuggle secrets under their balls and in their anal cavities.
There simply is no other way to degrade an inmate.
Kate is holding that baby in her womb for ransom.
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Friday
Accidental Actress Reminds People She is Alive, People Forget Again Shortly After Announcement
Recently, actress Rae Dawn Chong took to the airwaves for reasons unknown and quickly began efforts to become famous – by attacking a well-known and beloved celebrity, Oprah Winfrey. We are unsure of why she was on the radio programme and our sources were as well, as they thought Chong had died some time ago following her role with Winfrey. Chong appeared alongside Winfrey several hundred years ago in the film The Color Purple; at present, Chong is starring in solo work, Green with Envy.
While we take no issues with being an overachiever, it seems that Chong does as she proceeded to applaud Winfrey for being “a total biotch,” “a great brown-noser,” and the “fat chick in school that did everything and everyone loved her.”
While many may be unfamiliar with Chong, you should be familiar with this story line: person makes insanely inappropriate comments, person claims comments were taken out of context, person apologizes profusely citing previously unknown mental illness for ‘irrational behaviour’. We’ve all seen this one – if not this woman – before.
When asked for her response, Oprah’s camp declined to comment; however, our sources said the former talk show host could be overheard saying
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO! Be sure to check out events in your local area, and do tell everyone about it – that’s how we knit…our community together of course.
And remember darlings, a pessimist is just a well-informed optimist. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen
ballsofsunshine 