I sit, I ponder breakfast and underwear choices, and therefore, I am.
I think Her Majesty has poisoned me as I quiver to overcome another round of physical ailments, this one in the form of Verti Go-go, limiting my ability to report on the news, and again missing this week’s version of Mid-week Mash-ups. Me thinks she’s still feeling particularly affronted by the Wickedest Dub steps Edition; I’ve got a cure for that – MORE DUBSTEP, at a time of my own choosing.
But enough about me; where are my manners?
Bottom of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?
G20 Summit: Boys Behaving Badly
While the top 20 world powers gathered to discuss trade and economic issues, the G20 quickly devolved into a schoolyard war of words over Syria, who has become the hot girl all the hypermachismos are fighting over. Putin, Obama, Cameron and Kerry have all taken center stage.
It ended up being China, Russia, and the Pope vs America and England with the former stating, ‘There is no military solution to current Syrian atrocities’ which is code for ‘You are going to eff up oil prices for everyone if you go in there.’
German Chancellor Angela Merkel remains skeptical that Putin and Obama can meet on middle ground. Meanwhile, our very own and splendid David Cameron was merely being goaded into action by a Putin spokesman who stated, “Britain is a small island – nobody pays any attention to them apart from the Russian oligarchs who have bought up Chelsea” to which Cameron replied, “Very interesting. With the greatest respect, I hear what you’re saying.” Translated, that means ‘That’s clearly nonsense. You’re an idiot, and I shan’t discuss this any further.’
Cameron was also quick to point out that the ‘small island’ has colonized the entire universe and would do so again if Putin continued to ‘pop off at the mouth.’
While the elephants play, the grass continues to get trampled.
China’s ‘Brother Watch’ Does Time for Corruption
Shaanxi’s former work safety director Yang Dacai, widely known for his penchant for expensive timepieces, has been sentenced to 14 years imprisonment following a daylong trial in which he was found guilty of accepting bribes to the tune of ¥250K. He also had property valued at over ¥5M that clearly could not have been covered by his modest salary.
The trial came on the heels of the ruling Communist Party’s Discipline Inspection Commission’s investigation, which found Dacai guilty of inappropriate ‘smiling face’ behaviour’. Inappropriate smiling is considered a grievous offense as it resulted in Dacai being relieved of his duties.
Onlookers are said to be shocked at the outcome as corruption is almost unheard of in the region.
Non-historic Alphabet Meeting Takes Place as KKK Meets with NAACP
NAACP President Ben Jealous has reportedly had his share of headaches since taking the helm of the oldest civil rights organization in America, but Casper, Wyoming Chapter President Jimmy Simmons seemed to be the prince of all headaches when he decided to have a fireside chat with the neighbouring Klu Klux Klan.
In response to a series of recent assaults on black men – who all were with white women at the time – Simmons invited the United Klans of America (UKA) organizer, John Abarr, to meet with him. Simmons’ group reportedly wanted to be assured that his constituents would be free to date white women openly without fear of retribution by the KKK.
Both Democratic groups met under heavy security in the tiny town behind locked doors to discuss, among other things, the assaults. However, the meeting did little to advance any common ground between the two as Abarr, who ranks as a kleagle (not to be confused with kegel) seemed to eschew the violent history of his organization. This is seen by many as unfortunate as so many virtuous things come in black and white:
Brownies & Vanilla Ice Cream
Beautifully tickled piano keys
Seal & Heidi, wait, no, um…nevermind.
The meeting ended with Abarr completing a membership application to join the NAACP inclusive of $30 application fee and an additional $20 donation to the organization.
Sources close to the situation state that Simmons was reportedly miffed that Abarr did not extend the olive branch of Klan membership to him in return. Abarr is said to have responded that enrollment is open to those who ‘look/are white,’ adding that Ben Jealous would be eligible to join the UKA.
The historic meeting is also said to be the subject of an upcoming TV movie starring American comedians Will Ferrell and Katt Williams.
‘No Afro’ Zone, Covenant University Implements Puritan Dress Code
In an effort to reduce student enrollments and agitate fashionistas, Covenant University, located in Nigeria’s Ota, Ogun State, has employed a revised dress code which expressly forbids, among other things, jeans, shoes with high heels, and short skirts, and by short they mean anything that is above mid-calf in length as seen here:
Also forbidden is “afro-looking or bushy hair,” and females desiring to wear traditional Nigerian attire may do so outside of lecture and examination halls.
The new rules have an impact on male students as well. Jewelry, beards, and tattoos are all strictly prohibited. If prospective students have tattoos, they must declare them upon admission.
Reach Out and Dutch Someone? Woman Walks Out on Bill without Paying Fair Share, Date Holds BB as Ransom
When Fakhara Sultana met her Zoosk date for drinks, she so believed in chivalry that she allegedly left the house without any money in her purse.
When Kishore Nimmala met his Zoosk date for drinks, he believed in feminism and gender equality.
Unfortunately, the two were meeting each other, and even the stars knew this evening would not end well.
The date has ended, but the resulting criminal trial remains ongoing as Nimmala has been charged with theft for reportedly taking Sultana’s phone and holding it for ransom for not paying her fair share of the £54 pound bar tab they ran up together.
Who leaves the house for a date without any cash?? Do you? Chat-back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, no pressure.
Japan Fights Internet Addiction by Hosting Concentration Camps
Japan’s Education Ministry has introduced what they are calling ‘internet fasting camps’ in an effort to get its youth to unplug and join the real world. Over 500K students are said to be at risk of problems such as declining grades, cyberstalking and slut-shaming. Students, however, are reported to prefer texting to talking in person and playing internet version of games than those same games with another individual in a face to face setting.
The camps are said to be in operation by next year.
Textos Prohibidos, Is it that Serious?
If you didn’t catch that, Adriana Andrade tried to keep her boyfriend from reading her text messages, but he was so persistent that the only way she could be successful was to swallow her cellphone. Yes, you read that right, and no, we didn’t make that up – we didn’t have to!
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!
As a reminder and public service announcement, please stay focused on the road while driving. Distracted driving is taking far too many lives needlessly. Remember, no talking, no texting, no sexing, no eating/drinking, no applying make-up, and no breast-feeding.
STAY FOCUSED ON THE ROADWAY.
Be sure to check out Payday, a Barbadian comedy-drama/buddy film showcasing a raw slice of Barbadian community life.
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen