Global News Weekly Roundup – 12 октябрь 2013

 

 

caricom

 

 

 

 

CARICOM, Suriname and Haiti Sue the UK for Illions and Illions in Reparations

There’s no better time to collect on a debt than during a recession. Represented by Leigh Day – a Brit law firm (no irony there) – CARICOM, alongside Haiti and Suriname, have filed suit against France, Britain, and the Netherlands for reparations. The lawsuit filed seeks unspecified damages for the slave trade, resulting in what CARICOM says is persistent poverty that pervades the nations today.

At the very least, Haiti is entitled to some sort of unending financial compensation as France so royally screwed them sans lubricant following France’s defeat during the uprising that resulted in Haiti’s independence.  Imagine being required to pay reparations to French slaveholders for the impact your freedom would have on their economy.

 No word on how the UK will respond, but sources close to the matter expressed disappointment in the lack of gratitude exhibited by CARICOM and its constituency for all their former colonisers have done for them, namely first world civilization, lending itself to a better life than they would be experiencing had they been left to their own devices in Africa. “They were rewarded with citizenship in some of the greatest nations established on the face of the earth.”

 

 

It would be easier for the Victoria Beckham to eat carbs than it would be for Britain to pay reparations as – brace yourself – the Queen Mum is broke! Not Martha Stewart broke, MC Hammer broke. Yes, that’s right lovelies, no mas dinero.

Recessions and economic crises are no respecter of persons. Even Royals go through lean times.

 

 

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Broke Queen Mum Receives Stimulus Package from Taxpayers to Keep Her Afloat

The aging monarch is said to have shifted her focus from the national economy to that of her personal pan handling campaign after she spent all her money on Adwords with only 14 clicks and no conversions, reducing her disposable cash to almost nothing. As a result, the wonderfully unsuspecting BritCitz have decided to give HRH a pay raise – of 22% as a royal stimulus package. Poor ting, she is said to be down to her last £1M in savings. That means that Rhianna has a net worth higher than Her Majesty.

Honestly, how is a Royal supposed to maintain a palace and a castle with such an allowance? That Sovereign Grant is not even enough for the cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off, especially with almost £20M going to her dutiful staff of 436 precious bastards; those making over £21K have not received a pay raise in 2 years in a cost-cutting measure.

The economic stimulus is said to bring her a mere £37.9M to run her summer and winter palaces as well as finance her travel and accommodations locally and abroad.

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Craig Robinson

 

 

 

 

Craig Robinson’s Puff-Puff-Pass Incident, Pleads Guilty to Potheadery in the Bahamas

American comedic actor Craig Robinson was deported from the Bahamas this week following his SECOND drug bust. America news outlets are humbly downplaying the incident as ‘minor’ by describing the amount of The Divine Herb Robinson was carrying as ‘small.’

Robinson was on the island paradise performing Craig Robinson LIVE at Atlantis. He reportedly told the magistrate that he did not know ganja was illegal in the Bahamas.

News outlets report that Robinson, who was apprehended with ½ gram of The Divine Herb and 18 ectsasy pills, ‘looked calm.’ Of course he looked calm; he smoked a grand bag of ganja chased by an undisclosed amount of happy pills. By the time he was apprehended, all he had left was a ½ gram. In paying the $1K fine, Robinson avoided a 4 year term of incarceration.

5 years ago Robinson was arrested for possession of ecstasy and meth, however the charges were dismissed following Robinson’s completion of a diversion program, which obviously did not have any lasting effects.

 

spritz before you shit

 

 

 

 

Spritz Before You Shit, PooPourri Voodoo Makes Poo in the Loo Smell Like Roses

Yes friends and countrymen, a product exists that removes the signature smell of your shite and replaces it with happy, warm, inviting fragrances, hiding what you’ve actually been doing on the crapper for the past 30 minutes – playing Battle Shit.

 

 

Available for about £20 you too can trap a crap like a boss, or just shit pretty.

I personally think its wrong to remove the natural smell of shite for a prettier smell. If I want rose or orange scented shite, I’ll eat roses with my mimosas. Completely deceptive. After it comes out of that long, dark tunnel, its supposed to smell like toxic waste, not like an afternoon at Grandma’s. But you can’t go by me, there are already over 4M vials sold.

Perhaps its intended for shitting in public arenas…

 

 

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dancing bear

 

 

 

 

 

Cyrus’ Dancing Bear Cries Size-ploitation Following VMAs

After being cast as a backup dancer for that Cyrus girl based on her diminutive stature and of course dancing ability, “Dancing Bear #5” (nee Hollis Jane) is experiencing what some would call post-check-clearing-regrets.

In an effort to ‘break into the industry’, Dancing Bear accepted the role with ‘great hesitation’ but admits the money looked too good to deny.  Hollis is now being singled for what some are calling faux outrage at being objectified for her height. Hecklers say what she claims to only have discovered now she should have figured out during rehearsals.

In reading her blog, A Bunch of Dumb Show – On Being a Little Person, in its entirety, she just seems to be suffering from the Life in LA Blues, where an actress struggles for years on end trying to ‘make it big,’ We all know Hollywood is given to the young/young-looking, tall, blonde with ever-inflatable boobage. So my advice to Dancing Bear #5 – keep going; you’ll get there one day and swallow you’re regret. Bills will always need to get paid.

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO! 

And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5rCzaIcN0NI#t=64

Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

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Global News Roundup – 5 Οκτωβρίου 2013

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US Congress Invokes Indefinite Federal Holiday for Government Employees Against Their Will

 

 

GW on Shutdown

What is the problem, you may ask. Here it is: Democrats are refusing any stopgap spending bill to fund the government that comes with strings attached. Republicans are refusing to back away from attempts to cock-block the newly implemented health care law.

The longer the government remains closed, the closer America comes to fiscal calamity of Biblical proportions when the government hits their debt ceiling on the 17th of this month.

Over 8 million women and children risk of not getting supplemental aid and patients with terminal diseases have been turned away from national clinics.

I guess the saying is true – when elephants play, the grass gets trampled.

 

 

Silk Road

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it looks as though we’ve come to the end of the road, mates.

 

 

 

 

No, not that road, Silk Road Marketplace (SRM).

 

 

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On October 1st the Federal Government was shut down, On October 2nd Silk Road Marketplace was shut down – seems shutdown is the name of the game in the States right now.

Pharmaceutical consumers from all around the world are mourning the loss of a major supplier of goods and services, namely Silk Road.  Yes, the US’ Federal Bureau of Investigation has shut down the illicit marketplace and taken its owner/operator, DPR, into custody. DPR has retained a lawyer, a public defender, which assures he will most certainly be off to prison shortly.

Subscribers who were once able to buy drugs and have them shipped to any address, bolstering shipping and postal industries, will now be forced to return to dangerous, shadowy back alleys to complete their transactions. SRM sold a variety of goods and services including heroin and The Divine Herb, and offered educational tutorials in hacking, but it prohibited the sale of anything that had with it the intention to harm or defraud – namely child porn, WMD and stolen credit cards/identities.

SRM, which ran on the Onion net/TOR making it was difficult to track, was also responsible for over 1B (9.5M BTC) in sales, which though it was all “dirty” money, sullied skrilla, the US government will demand and extract their unfair share beginning at DPR’s trial which has yet to be put on the calendar.

DPR, nee Ross William Ulbricht, was no ordinary entrepreneur however. He was an overachiever with a degree in material sciences who, according to doting parents, successfully completed a thesis on – wait for it – Growth of EuO Thin Films by Molecular Beam Epitaxy.

Cat with rubicks cube

You’ll undoubtedly see reports on how ‘the FBI brought down DPR.’ Know that these reports are disingenuous and at the very least, false. DPR was not caught through NSA spying or Government Intel; he was found out by way of his own stupidity and sloppiness. Asking IT professionals in the bitcoin (BTC) community to contact you via firstnamelastname@gmail.com was just mindless. He would have done well to view Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs in which everyone’s name was a colour.

DPR also violated the Scarface Rule of never getting high on your own supply when he ordered and received fake IDs in 9 different names all with his picture on them – stupid, even if you are planning to use them to rent additional site servers. This shipment was found by the authorities. But to all you subscribers to SRM, relax. He’s not dead, only mostly-dead. Now if he was all-dead there’s only one thing you can do: go through his pockets and look for loose change. Oh, the Feds are already doing that. Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

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Elsewhere in our former colony, motorists behaving badly

Crotch-rockets, they call them, are motorbikes, not feminine toys, and by now you may (or may not) have seen shocking footage from the helmet-cam of a biker riding one of these crotch things.  Gotham City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly indicated over 200 calls from motorists came in around the time of the ‘incident’ to complain about the reckless manner in which the bikers on these crotch things were driving on the roadway.

In the video, a driver can be seen running over what is originally thought to be a bike, but unfortunately turned out to be a biker who suffered fractures in all of his ribs, a crushed spine, and bruised lungs as well as possible paralysis of his lower extremities.

You all know the story:

Swarm of bikers descend on unsuspecting motorists

Biker cuts SUV off

Biker cannot calculate time x distance and suddenly brakes for no apparent reason

Biker gets bumped as SUV stops

Bikers swarm SUV

Motorist feels threatened and peels off through the street, catching unwitting biker undertow

Bikers follow in hot pursuit

Bikers attack driver

Etcetera, etcetera…

The moral of the story here kids is: Don’t play chicken with someone bigger than you.

Clearly the biker who cut in front of the SUV is the one who initiated the fracas, ultimately causing the injuries sustained by the other unfortunate biker. But don’t take my word for it; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Earl Grey Goose tea. See for yourself.

After viewing the footage, the bikers instigated the incident and the poor bloke who got run over was caught up in the melee. The driver could not have reasonably been expected to do things differently, could he?

 

 

 

 

F_China

 

 

 

 

 

 

Commandments for Chinese Tourists: Thou Shalt Not Embarrass Thy Country by Picking Thy Nose in Public

Now that China has much of the world’s money, its residents are traveling abroad to see which lands remain unconquered. Chinese expenditures abroad are topping out at over 100B annually.

To maintain Chinese status quo, officials in the country have issued a rule book on how to be Chinese abroad, the Guidebook for Civilized Tourism. The rules include not pissing in pools and stealing life jackets from air crafts – who does that anyway?

Chinese Natl Tourism Admin Guidebook

Notice how the faces are pale and the hair has that euro- coif? Yep, that’s the general underlying rule – blend in as much as possible with the nation’s bourgeoisie as much as possible.

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Kiss Me Im Morrocan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morocco’s Great Kiss-off

Who knew in our 21st century that this:

romantic-couple-nature-kissing-couples-latest-mygupsup-com-best-of-72633would lead to this:

handcuffsand not in the way you’re thinking you perverts!

The young couple – 14 & 15 – who learned the hard way are currently detained in separate juvenile facilities after a local news outlet dry snitched by printing a copy of the photo which catches them in violation of a public decency law. The kissing bandits who sparked several copycat photos on Facebook are due in court next week.

 

 

 

Short and Sweet this week lovelies, running with the ankle monitor to catch the tail end of Oktoberfest so that’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM!

And remember darlings, Babylon System is the vampire. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK