Well top of the afternoon to you lovely bastards! Now that the Royal Crumb-snatcher has landed, we are free to resume our maliciously delicious lives. And how malicious it has been! It seems that when Sunny is away the trolls will play. Over the past weekend my beloved Twitter had a minor-major disruption when a journalist fed the trolls – something we’ve been warned to never, ever do. Let’s get right into it, shall we?
Don’t Feed the Trolls – They’re Only 12
A Manchester troll has been arrested for the extreme trolling of journalist Caroline Criado-Perez. The motive – Criado-Perez’s recent success in getting Jane Austen’s image on a banknote, something I’m sure most people were not even giving attention to – not that rolls need a motive.
This particular incident of trolling was peculiarly extreme, even for Twitter, resulting in the subsequent detention of at least two trolls.
While the widely accepted home remedy for online trolls is ‘feed-a-fever & starve-a-troll’, Criado-Perez took a left turn and stared down the numerous trolls head on with the hashtag #Shoutingback. The outcome, however, was remarkable in that a troll was actually arrested.
#Shoutingback has also yielded thousands of signatures on a petition requesting a “report abuse” button on Twitter as well as Twitter-cott on August 4th.
The sad truth is you cannot simply rid the world of trolls. If an account is suspended, one can merely create a new one within minutes. Section 14 of the Rules of the Internet states: “If you argue with a troll, they win.” The choice is up to you. Well played, Ms. Criado-Perez, well bloody played.
On the other end of the spectrum, older trolls are said to be unhappy with the modern direction trolling has taken, citing old school trolling was more based in snarky sarcasm, but current trolling has become rooted in abuse; sounds like a discourse on “rap” vs “hip hop”.
Will Voters Keep Scotland in the UK? Definitely Maybe
A recent Panelbase survey indicated that while support for Scottish independence from the UK increased, union support outnumbers independence support by as much as 11%. However, rampant speculation suggests that pro-indie supporters will outnumber pro-unis at next year’s polls. This speculation suggests that pro-unis will become complacent and overconfident that they will win in the year ahead. The possibility still remains that undecideds may lean towards independence, tilting the scales for the realization of an independent Scotland.
In an effort to increase the pro-indie numbers and turnout, undecideds have been urged by SNP to watch Braveheart every weekend until their vote is needed next September.
Elections for a New World Boss Halted as Kartel Releases Statement
Also over the weekend, skin-bleaching ambassador and currently incarcerated reggae dancehall artist Adidja Palmer, who performs under the moniker Vybz Kartel, recently released a statement following a dismissal of one of his murder charges. In it he maintained gratitude to those who have supported his claim of innocence, and denounced fellow artists and former protégés Andre “Popcorn” Sutherland and Leroy “Tommy Lee Sparta” Russell as ‘shameless traitors’ with ‘spiraling careers’.
In the race for a new world boss, Popcorn was primed for the position as Tommy Lee continues to fall behind in the polls following a recent meeting of his constituency in Trinidad where only 3 people were in attendance.
Tommy Lee, often referred to as Grey Goose for his fading complexion, is reported to have responded to Kartel’s renunciation stating, “I’ve always been loyal.”
Red-headed Reporter Learns Rules of TMI
Another reporter has bitten the dust. Former WAAY correspondent Shea Allen was relieved of her duties at the Alabama station following the release of a personal blog post, Confessions of a Redheaded Reporter, which subsequently has been voted Cutest Blog on the Block. PPfftt.
In the post, the apparently perky-bosomed, elder-phobic mail thief confessed to violating the news reporter’s cardinal rule: Thou Shalt Not Sleep on the Job when she posted that she had “taken naps in the news car.” Just ask any #Royalbabywatch reporter – that is a definite “nyet nyet.” It is, most likely, for this reason above all others that the crimson-haired maven was asked never to return to her post.
Mugabe to Retain Kung-fu Grip on Zimbabwe
President Robert Mugabe expects to continue running the African country with an iron grip, but opponents say he can barely run his own bath let alone an entire country.
Mugabe, who is hundreds of years old, has been widely known to employ tactics such as violence and intimidation via surrogates to get what he wants within the nation, including the presidential seat; supporters of the opposition party are hopeful that this election would be a clarion call to Mugabe and his team that the country will no longer support his corruption in politics.
After a recent visit with US President Barack Obama, Mugabe castigated his American counterpart over his support of same-sex marriages. Obama is said to have wished Mugabe luck in the upcoming elections and urged Zimbabwe to accept same-sex unions should they desire to continue to receive aid.
Following the tense meeting between the two leaders, sources close to the Obama Administration confirm there has been no further attempt at dialogue by President Obama citing, “F#^% it. Zimbabwe has no oil anyway.”
Russia Refuses to Let Freak-flag Fly
Vitaly Milonov’s legislative baby has grown into a successfully instituted ban on public displays of “non-traditional” affection. The ban, said to be aimed at homosexuals, includes steep fines and jail time if violated. Milonov recently told news reporters that the ban will be active during next year’s Winter Olympics being held in Sochi and will be applied evenly to locals and foreign visitors alike.
The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is said to be concerned over the safety of homosexual fans and athletes’ stay while in Russia. Sources close to the matter report that the IOC has reportedly been urging athletes and spectators to travel with closets in the event they need to “go back in” because, “Putin don’t play that.”
In response to the ban, many foreign nationals have participated in a boycott of Russia’s most popular morning beverages, Stolichnaya and Russian Standard. Russian officials seem un-bothered by the recent boycott efforts stating, “There are three things we all know Americans cannot live without: food, coffee, and vodka.”
For Strauss-Khan, Its Just Pimpin Pimpin
The aging former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Khan will now face trial on “aggravated pimping” charges related to a Lille hotel prostitution ring. The embattled Strauss-Khan said he was at a party with the women, but didn’t know they were prostitutes. Strauss-Khan was overheard telling his lawyers, “I had no idea they were prostitutes. Why is it not natural to assume they would have sex with me for free? I’m Dominique Strauss-Khan after all.”
Investigators are said to have found copies of American comedian Katt Williams’ The Pimp Chronicles and Its Pimpin Pimpin among Strauss-Khan’s belongings following the arrest. A police aid close to the case said it looked as though Strauss-Khan was “trying to improve his pimp game.”
Strauss-Khan faces ten years in prison.
For Greece’s Elite, Membership Had Its Privileges
Greece’s top earning residents are said to be in a panic following a government plan that would end the benefit of free dedicated police protection. The move was done in an effort to appease bailout creditors and meet budget targets for the cash-strapped nation.
While paying for dedicated police services would reduce the nation’s debt, ease the country’s economic burden, and potentially add to Greece’s coffers, some of Greece’s elite who earn well above the €100,000 benchmark claim the pay-for-protection scheme would leave them vulnerable to attack and could potentially become a slippery slope. “First, we’ll pay for our own protection. Next, we’ll have to pay taxes. Where does it end?”
Why You May Want to Return to TVs with Rabbit-ear Antennas
Recent reports about Samsung’s newly repaired flaws found by iSEC Partners didn’t leave a good taste in hackers’ mouths, but left them feeling hopeful that they could soon resume making consumers’ lives uneasy by spying on them, invading their privacy, and potentially stealing their information.
Prior to the repairs, hackers were able to turn on the TV’s camera remotely and reroute a user to various malicious websites. Now they’ll have to explore other ways to exploit software glitches in so-called ‘smart devices’ that boast internet connectivity with little to no security.
Rabbit ears and foil, anyone?
Geisha Facial My Arse – That’s Birdshit!
Dried nightingale excrement + water + rice bran = the latest beauty craze that is sweeping across women’s faces everywhere. Hailed as a beauty treatment that exfoliates and removes dirt and impurities, upscale spas are seeing an uptick in what has been coined the ‘Geisha Facial.’ The benefits of such facials are said to rejuvenate tired skin, leaving a glowing complexion for the client. While many have taken to the celebrity treatments, some modern women remain skeptical. One patron of a swanky spa offering the facial told us, “Calling it poop makes it sound dainty. At almost $200 per treatment, let’s call it what it is – birdshit.”
Revelers Beware, Police Enforcing Mystery Law
Well its Crop Over season and locals and foreign attendees shouldn’t expect anything less than stage-5 reveling. However, patrons should be warned that the Royal Barbados Police Force is prepared to make examples out of anyone who plans to ‘bandjump.’
The law in place against band encroachment can yield a hefty fine or 6-month imprisonment to anyone found guilty of violating it.
Inspector Bruce Rowe admits, in an effort to let masqueraders “revel in peace,” he and his men are seeking out those who are ‘riding dirty.’
In other news, Syrian Muslims are dealing with effects of life without the benefit of croissants. The tasty pastries have fallen under a recent ruling by Sheikh Abu Mohammed of the Islamic court Hai’aa al-Sharia as forbidden, or haram. The recent fatwa, citing “colonial oppression,” pointed to the crescent shape as being a celebratory representative of European victory over Muslims. One onlooker responded, “This is what happens when you can’t eat bacon – you just get cranky.”
An incredible story comes from the States – albeit unconfirmed – of a father teaching his 7 year old son a lesson about lying.
Dad and son went to the store. Dad told son he could pick out 8 gifts for his upcoming 8th birthday party. As the dad and son reached the counter to check out, the purchase came to several hundred dollars. The dad looked at the cashier and said:
‘I hate to do this to you, but I’m not buying any of these items. I told my son he could pick out gifts for his birthday, but I lied to him to teach him a lesson about lying to me and his mom. Now he knows how it feels. Do you want me to put these things back for you?’
The young lad is reported to have filed for emancipation from his parents.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO! Be sure to check out Toronto Carnival’s Grand Parade or Vienna’s Rathausplatz Festival activities and events. And do tell about it – I’ll have to live vicariously through you all until my probation matter has been sorted out by Her Majesty, or until I can become disconnected from this bloody ankle monitor.
And remember darlings, Kate’s baby is just an heir; he’s not the Messiah. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen