Global News Roundup – 5 Οκτωβρίου 2013

F_US2

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

US Congress Invokes Indefinite Federal Holiday for Government Employees Against Their Will

 

 

GW on Shutdown

What is the problem, you may ask. Here it is: Democrats are refusing any stopgap spending bill to fund the government that comes with strings attached. Republicans are refusing to back away from attempts to cock-block the newly implemented health care law.

The longer the government remains closed, the closer America comes to fiscal calamity of Biblical proportions when the government hits their debt ceiling on the 17th of this month.

Over 8 million women and children risk of not getting supplemental aid and patients with terminal diseases have been turned away from national clinics.

I guess the saying is true – when elephants play, the grass gets trampled.

 

 

Silk Road

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it looks as though we’ve come to the end of the road, mates.

 

 

 

 

No, not that road, Silk Road Marketplace (SRM).

 

 

131003-drug-site.photoblog600

On October 1st the Federal Government was shut down, On October 2nd Silk Road Marketplace was shut down – seems shutdown is the name of the game in the States right now.

Pharmaceutical consumers from all around the world are mourning the loss of a major supplier of goods and services, namely Silk Road.  Yes, the US’ Federal Bureau of Investigation has shut down the illicit marketplace and taken its owner/operator, DPR, into custody. DPR has retained a lawyer, a public defender, which assures he will most certainly be off to prison shortly.

Subscribers who were once able to buy drugs and have them shipped to any address, bolstering shipping and postal industries, will now be forced to return to dangerous, shadowy back alleys to complete their transactions. SRM sold a variety of goods and services including heroin and The Divine Herb, and offered educational tutorials in hacking, but it prohibited the sale of anything that had with it the intention to harm or defraud – namely child porn, WMD and stolen credit cards/identities.

SRM, which ran on the Onion net/TOR making it was difficult to track, was also responsible for over 1B (9.5M BTC) in sales, which though it was all “dirty” money, sullied skrilla, the US government will demand and extract their unfair share beginning at DPR’s trial which has yet to be put on the calendar.

DPR, nee Ross William Ulbricht, was no ordinary entrepreneur however. He was an overachiever with a degree in material sciences who, according to doting parents, successfully completed a thesis on – wait for it – Growth of EuO Thin Films by Molecular Beam Epitaxy.

Cat with rubicks cube

You’ll undoubtedly see reports on how ‘the FBI brought down DPR.’ Know that these reports are disingenuous and at the very least, false. DPR was not caught through NSA spying or Government Intel; he was found out by way of his own stupidity and sloppiness. Asking IT professionals in the bitcoin (BTC) community to contact you via firstnamelastname@gmail.com was just mindless. He would have done well to view Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs in which everyone’s name was a colour.

DPR also violated the Scarface Rule of never getting high on your own supply when he ordered and received fake IDs in 9 different names all with his picture on them – stupid, even if you are planning to use them to rent additional site servers. This shipment was found by the authorities. But to all you subscribers to SRM, relax. He’s not dead, only mostly-dead. Now if he was all-dead there’s only one thing you can do: go through his pockets and look for loose change. Oh, the Feds are already doing that. Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

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Elsewhere in our former colony, motorists behaving badly

Crotch-rockets, they call them, are motorbikes, not feminine toys, and by now you may (or may not) have seen shocking footage from the helmet-cam of a biker riding one of these crotch things.  Gotham City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly indicated over 200 calls from motorists came in around the time of the ‘incident’ to complain about the reckless manner in which the bikers on these crotch things were driving on the roadway.

In the video, a driver can be seen running over what is originally thought to be a bike, but unfortunately turned out to be a biker who suffered fractures in all of his ribs, a crushed spine, and bruised lungs as well as possible paralysis of his lower extremities.

You all know the story:

Swarm of bikers descend on unsuspecting motorists

Biker cuts SUV off

Biker cannot calculate time x distance and suddenly brakes for no apparent reason

Biker gets bumped as SUV stops

Bikers swarm SUV

Motorist feels threatened and peels off through the street, catching unwitting biker undertow

Bikers follow in hot pursuit

Bikers attack driver

Etcetera, etcetera…

The moral of the story here kids is: Don’t play chicken with someone bigger than you.

Clearly the biker who cut in front of the SUV is the one who initiated the fracas, ultimately causing the injuries sustained by the other unfortunate biker. But don’t take my word for it; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Earl Grey Goose tea. See for yourself.

After viewing the footage, the bikers instigated the incident and the poor bloke who got run over was caught up in the melee. The driver could not have reasonably been expected to do things differently, could he?

 

 

 

 

F_China

 

 

 

 

 

 

Commandments for Chinese Tourists: Thou Shalt Not Embarrass Thy Country by Picking Thy Nose in Public

Now that China has much of the world’s money, its residents are traveling abroad to see which lands remain unconquered. Chinese expenditures abroad are topping out at over 100B annually.

To maintain Chinese status quo, officials in the country have issued a rule book on how to be Chinese abroad, the Guidebook for Civilized Tourism. The rules include not pissing in pools and stealing life jackets from air crafts – who does that anyway?

Chinese Natl Tourism Admin Guidebook

Notice how the faces are pale and the hair has that euro- coif? Yep, that’s the general underlying rule – blend in as much as possible with the nation’s bourgeoisie as much as possible.

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Kiss Me Im Morrocan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Morocco’s Great Kiss-off

Who knew in our 21st century that this:

romantic-couple-nature-kissing-couples-latest-mygupsup-com-best-of-72633would lead to this:

handcuffsand not in the way you’re thinking you perverts!

The young couple – 14 & 15 – who learned the hard way are currently detained in separate juvenile facilities after a local news outlet dry snitched by printing a copy of the photo which catches them in violation of a public decency law. The kissing bandits who sparked several copycat photos on Facebook are due in court next week.

 

 

 

Short and Sweet this week lovelies, running with the ankle monitor to catch the tail end of Oktoberfest so that’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM!

And remember darlings, Babylon System is the vampire. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

Global News Weekly Roundup – 14 Septiembre 2013

AmericanExceptionalism

Well, the toast of the town and the post of the week awards appear to go to the man with the stone expression Vladimir Putin. With 24-hour news channels, 3G, 4G, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, et al, Vlad writes a post in a New York periodical due to “insufficient communication” between the societies. Could he have not just picked up the phone?

In perusing the piece, I agreed on some points, was perplexed by some, and amused by some. I agree that a US strike against Syria would result in more violence, not less. Putin’s announcement that Russia was not protecting the Syrian government, but rather the laws of the lands made me chuckle as we all know there exists a sort of brotherhood between he and Assad, and perhaps rightfully so as they are terribly close in proximity. What affects one will undoubtedly affect the other.

Can one argue the suggestion of exceptionalism in America, who has long suffered from egocentrism and at times arrogance serving as the world’s self-appointed police officer flitting about the world trying to colonise territories with histories, traditions, and religions that run counter to the American concept of democracy all in the name of oil freedom? Are Americans really satisfied with their involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq? But you can’t go by me; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Early Grey Goose tea.

Top of the evening to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

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F_International

Jamaican Bad Apples Spoiling the Whole Bunch in Barbados, Drug Mules Creating Division Between Islands

If you are a Jamaican national attempting to gain entry into Barbados with a Jamaican passport and you get this look from customs officials,

Stink Eye

don’t take it personally. Blame it instead on your fellow Jamaican travelers.

Apparently Jamaicans smuggle so much weed onto the popular Caribbean island, they need their own resident lawyer. Jamaican native Jaydene Thomas, who currently practices law in Barbados, has grown weary with her post of pleading cases for Jamaican smugglers and mules on what she says has become a weekly basis.  Following her work with a young, pregnant mule who ingested drugs, Thomas says that fellow Jamaicans who utilize the court’s frequent flyer program add to the negative view about Jamaicans and result in non-smuggling Jamaicans being denied entry – over 1,400 were denied entry in the last 5 years – or gaining entry, but being subjected to less than sociable treatment by officials.

Seemingly Jamaicans are very persistent entrepreneurs who are simply trying to fill an obvious demand that originates within Barbados’ borders. Apparently there is no ganja growing in Barbados, and Jamaicans have merely stepped in to fill the void.

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F_Canada

NSA Sends CSEC Floral Bouquet, Thankful for Decryption Capabilities

We all know by now that the NSA is spying on everyone in the universe and that blocking their attempts seems almost futile unless you have certain handy tips outlined in my July 13 post.  However, that has changed with the entrance of Canada’s Communications Security Establishment (CSEC) into the open cadre of super-spies alongside the likes of the International Man of Mystery, England’s finest.

International Man of Mystery

CSEC enabled NSA to decrypt data that you worked so hard to encrypt. All that porn, those photos you thought disappeared on Snapchat, the shipment of cocaine you’ve been plotting, all your money laundering, and all that international espionage you’ve been busying yourself with between naps is all laid bare before Big Brother – and all it took was a little ‘finessing.’ The reality of the situation is that CSEC released control of the standards process to NSA actually hoping the news would leak in an effort to distract Canadians from noticing they are actively being watched by CSEC sans warrants either directly or through its consortium of spies inclusive of the US, UK, Australia, and New Zealand better known by their mafia name – the Five Eyes. Yes, thank you CSEC, thank you.

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F_Japan

Japan Pissed at Being France’s Newest Victim of Cartoon Cruelty

Japan’s Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga is crying foul over an unflattering animation in French publication Le Canard Enchaine that portrayed the ill-effects of the Fukushima nuclear meltdown – skinny, mutated sumo wrestlers – in honour of Japan’s win to host the 2020 Olympics.

French Fukushima Sumo Cartoon

After almost 3 years, tens of thousands of residents still have not been able to return to their homes due to the nuclear disaster that struck the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Radioactive waste is said to still be seeping into the nearby grounds. While Prime Minister Shinzo Abe assured the International Olympic Committee that he and his team had the situation “under control,” Suga reportedly told BBC, “This kind of journalism gives the wrong impression about the waste water problem.”

We agree.  Just ask the 3-eyed fish growing pubic hair in the waters nearby.

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F_China

China Continues Spending Spree, Puts $16M Deposit Down on Barbados

Cheapside Market, Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, and the Wildey Gymnasium have been held up as shining examples of the economic progress and improvements Barbados’ residents have enjoyed as a result of partnership between the island and the People’s Republic of China. Construction and infrastructure development throughout the island has been done through Chinese grants and interest-free loans. But we all know that while the loans are interest free, nothing is really free when money is attached.

china buys

China has been placing holding deposits all over the globe with down payments made in Nigeria, Barbados, parts of the US, and more recently, Jamaica’s Goat Island.  Forget learning Spanish in school, we recommend learning Mandarin.

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F_Germany

Things White Nuts Say, Germany’s Petty Colour Problems

Its election time in Germany and almost all eyes are fixed on Merkel, who has suffered a recent dip in polls while challenger Steinbrück is quietly creeping upwards. An ad firm employed by the Italian company responsible for Ferrero Rochers, you know, those little hazelnut candies with the chocolate filling that come in gold wrapped balls, took ad-vantage of election season and used it as a theme in a commercial for Ferrero Kusschen.

Yes, a big-ass talking chocolate box at an election rally heralding, “We want white Ferrero Küsschen forever.”  Enthusiasts hold placards reading, “Yes Weiss Can”, meaning Yes White Can, “Weiss Nuss Bleiben” meaning White Nuts Stay, and “Germany Votes White.” Critics’ complaints that the advert is racist and xenophobic resulted in Ferrero preemptively removing the ad in lieu of waiting for consumers to weigh in.

Ferrero insists they were talking about chocolate, not people. Of course they were talking about chocolates; there aren’t any other voting options in Germany other than white as Karamba Diaby is still being primed.

I mean, adverts can’t be racist, can they? Take for instance this one,

Ferrero-Kusschen_2658569bor this one,

dunkin-donuts-racist-ad

or this one,

Brazilian Chocolate Cigarettes

or this one,

Hip Hop Cupcakes

or this one,

racist_poster

or…

rastus

No. Adverts can’t be racist, that’s pure rubbish.

Do you think the Ferrero Kusschen advert is subtly xenophobic as critics claim? Chat back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, keep calm and carry on.

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Burkini at Play

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In other news, though summer season is winding down, the Burkini (and Veilkini) continues to make splashes in some German communities following a ruling by a German court requiring a young lass to take part in school swimming lessons. While some of her Muslim classmates are already wearing the modest swim attire, the stellar student’s Moroccan parents argued the lessons run counter to their faith practices and principles of modesty. The 13 year old wants to swim, but separate from boys as she says Islam prohibits her from wearing a swimsuit in the presence of males, and seeing males topless.

The burkini, seen below, has previously been modeled by our very own Nigella Lawson. I personally celebrate modest apparel, but I don’t think I could pull this off, do you?

 

Burkini - Muslim Swimwear

 

 

A. Full Coverage – Can’t Touch This

A. Full Coverage – Can’t Touch This

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B. Peekaboo Tankini – You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch

B. Peekaboo Tankini – You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C.  ‘I had an unfortunate incident with a piranha’

C. ‘I had an unfortunate incident with a piranha’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

D. Just Some String from the Craft Store

D. Just Some String from the Craft Store

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Agostea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elsewhere, German nightclubs have fallen under the watchful eye of the keepers of political correctness for what some are calling racist door policies after a local student of Kurdish descent filed a lawsuit because he was denied entry to top hotspot Agostea.

A judge awarded the student €1K as a result of Agostea’s infraction, violating the 2006 General Equal Treatment Law.

A bouncer on duty the night of the alleged incident reportedly told the well-coiffed plaintiff that, “The boss doesn’t want foreigners to come in.”

My outrage at this incident should be obvious.

Did your boss tell you to tell ‘foreigners’ he didn’t want them to come in, dumbass?

That’s akin to a kid answering a ringing home phone and the parent instructing them to tell the person on the other end that the parent is not at home. The kid answers and politely tells the caller, ‘Mi mum said to tell you she’s not here.’

Honestly, I’m not defending ‘racist’ door policies, but many of us know that nightclubs sell exclusivity when they are building their brand by setting atmosphere in their venues. Usually this is achieved by only letting ‘pretty people’ inside, you know, the skinny, shiny, happy, rich-looking people. Would the student in question have upset the atmosphere at Agostea? Dunno, perhaps; perhaps not, but the mere fact that one can sue an establishment and be awarded this amount of skrilla makes all nightclubs vulnerable and soon they could be closing their doors completely. A racist door policy is hard to prove under the current nightclub theme of exclusivity, except in cases of racist bouncers revealing their boss’ racist policies. Similar cases are pending in 5 other regions.

A lawyer for the club is said to be appealing the ruling as he has footage from inside the club that shows while it wasn’t a total blackout, it wasn’t just a white party either.

Perhaps we should all take a page out of Peer Steinbrück’s book and start our own clubs.

picture-alliance/dpa/Alfred Steffen/SZ-Magazin

Have you been to Agostea? What’s the real deal? Enquiring minds want to know.

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Church of Scotland

Church of Scotland Considering Banning Heterosexual Weddings

Despite blessed assurances by the Scottish government regarding protections for religious bodies not amenable to conducting homosexual wedding ceremonies, the Church of Scotland has made alternate arrangements.

In a preemptive strike against potential litigation involving its ministers who would be refusing to officiate homosexual wedding ceremonies, the CoS is considering ceasing officiating all weddings, both hetero- and homosexual alike citing, ‘if we discriminate against everyone, then its fair.’

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That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – HIDEY HO! And remember darlings, when the question is ‘why?’ the answer is always ‘money.’

Enjoy the weekend, and this video from Slinger “Mighty Sparrow” Francisco who IS NOT DEAD, but remains in serious condition in a NY hospital.

#GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

Global News Weekly Roundup – 7 September 2013

I sit, I ponder breakfast and underwear choices, and therefore, I am.

I think Her Majesty has poisoned me as I quiver to overcome another round of physical ailments, this one in the form of Verti Go-go, limiting my ability to report on the news, and again missing this week’s version of Mid-week Mash-ups. Me thinks she’s still feeling particularly affronted by the Wickedest Dub steps Edition; I’ve got a cure for that – MORE DUBSTEP, at a time of my own choosing.

But enough about me; where are my manners?

Bottom of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

Official BOS Header Image

G20 2013

 

 

G20 Summit: Boys Behaving Badly

While the top 20 world powers gathered to discuss trade and economic issues, the G20 quickly devolved into a schoolyard war of words over Syria, who has become the hot girl all the hypermachismos are fighting over. Putin, Obama, Cameron and Kerry have all taken center stage.

It ended up being China, Russia, and the Pope vs America and England with the former stating, ‘There is no military solution to current Syrian atrocities’ which is code for ‘You are going to eff up oil prices for everyone if you go in there.’

German Chancellor Angela Merkel remains skeptical that Putin and Obama can meet on middle ground. Meanwhile, our very own and splendid David Cameron was merely being goaded into action by a Putin spokesman who stated, “Britain is a small island – nobody pays any attention to them apart from the Russian oligarchs who have bought up Chelsea” to which Cameron replied, “Very interesting. With the greatest respect, I hear what you’re saying.”  Translated, that means ‘That’s clearly nonsense. You’re an idiot, and I shan’t discuss this any further.’

Cameron was also quick to point out that the ‘small island’ has colonized the entire universe and would do so again if Putin continued to ‘pop off at the mouth.’

While the elephants play, the grass continues to get trampled.

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F_China

 

 

 

 

China’s ‘Brother Watch’ Does Time for Corruption

Shaanxi’s former work safety director Yang Dacai, widely known for his penchant for expensive timepieces, has been sentenced to 14 years imprisonment following a daylong trial in which he was found guilty of accepting bribes to the tune of ¥250K. He also had property valued at over ¥5M that clearly could not have been covered by his modest salary.

The trial came on the heels of the ruling Communist Party’s Discipline Inspection Commission’s investigation, which found Dacai guilty of inappropriate ‘smiling face’ behaviour’.  Inappropriate smiling is considered a grievous offense as it resulted in Dacai being relieved of his duties.

Onlookers are said to be shocked at the outcome as corruption is almost unheard of in the region.

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kkknaacp

 

 

 

 

 

 

Non-historic Alphabet Meeting Takes Place as KKK Meets with NAACP

NAACP President Ben Jealous has reportedly had his share of headaches since taking the helm of the oldest civil rights organization in America, but Casper, Wyoming Chapter President Jimmy Simmons seemed to be the prince of all headaches when he decided to have a fireside chat with the neighbouring Klu Klux Klan.

In response to a series of recent assaults on black men – who all were with white women at the time – Simmons invited the United Klans of America (UKA) organizer, John Abarr, to meet with him. Simmons’ group reportedly wanted to be assured that his constituents would be free to date white women openly without fear of retribution by the KKK.

Both Democratic groups met under heavy security in the tiny town behind locked doors to discuss, among other things, the assaults. However, the meeting did little to advance any common ground between the two as Abarr, who ranks as a kleagle (not to be confused with kegel) seemed to eschew the violent history of his organization. This is seen by many as unfortunate as so many virtuous things come in black and white:

 

Brownie and Ice cream

 

 

 

 

Brownies & Vanilla Ice Cream

 

 

 

Piano Keys

 

 

 

 

Beautifully tickled piano keys

 

 

 

 

Cows on Broadway

 

 

 

Performing cows

 

 

 

 

enicats

 

 

 

 

Kitty cats

 

 

 

 

Heidi & Seal

 

 

 

Seal & Heidi, wait, no, um…nevermind.

 

 

 

The meeting ended with Abarr completing a membership application to join the NAACP inclusive of $30 application fee and an additional $20 donation to the organization.

Sources close to the situation state that Simmons was reportedly miffed that Abarr did not extend the olive branch of Klan membership to him in return. Abarr is said to have responded that enrollment is open to those who ‘look/are white,’ adding that Ben Jealous would be eligible to join the UKA.

The historic meeting is also said to be the subject of an upcoming TV movie starring American comedians Will Ferrell and Katt Williams.

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F_Nigeria

 

 

 

 

‘No Afro’ Zone, Covenant University Implements Puritan Dress Code

In an effort to reduce student enrollments and agitate fashionistas, Covenant University, located in Nigeria’s Ota, Ogun State, has employed a revised dress code which expressly forbids, among other things, jeans, shoes with high heels, and short skirts, and by short they mean anything that is above mid-calf in length as seen here:

Covenant University New Dress Code

Also forbidden is “afro-looking or bushy hair,” and females desiring to wear traditional Nigerian attire may do so outside of lecture and examination halls.

The new rules have an impact on male students as well. Jewelry, beards, and tattoos are all strictly prohibited. If prospective students have tattoos, they must declare them upon admission.

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F_UK

 

 

 

 

Reach Out and Dutch Someone? Woman Walks Out on Bill without Paying Fair Share, Date Holds BB as Ransom

When Fakhara Sultana met her Zoosk date for drinks, she so believed in chivalry that she allegedly left the house without any money in her purse.

When Kishore Nimmala met his Zoosk date for drinks, he believed in feminism and gender equality.

Unfortunately, the two were meeting each other, and even the stars knew this evening would not end well.

The date has ended, but the resulting criminal trial remains ongoing as Nimmala has been charged with theft for reportedly taking Sultana’s phone and holding it for ransom for not paying her fair share of the £54 pound bar tab they ran up together.

Who leaves the house for a date without any cash?? Do you? Chat-back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, no pressure.

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F_Japan

 

 

 

 

Japan Fights Internet Addiction by Hosting Concentration Camps

Japan’s Education Ministry has introduced what they are calling ‘internet fasting camps’ in an effort to get its youth to unplug and join the real world. Over 500K students are said to be at risk of problems such as declining grades, cyberstalking and slut-shaming. Students, however, are reported to prefer texting to talking in person and playing internet version of games than those same games with another individual in a face to face setting.

The camps are said to be in operation by next year.

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F_Brasil

 

 

 

 

 

Textos Prohibidos, Is it that Serious?

If you didn’t catch that, Adriana Andrade tried to keep her boyfriend from reading her text messages, but he was so persistent that the only way she could be successful was to swallow her cellphone. Yes, you read that right, and no, we didn’t make that up – we didn’t have to!

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!

As a reminder and public service announcement, please stay focused on the road while driving. Distracted driving is taking far too many lives needlessly. Remember, no talking, no texting, no sexing, no eating/drinking, no applying make-up, and no breast-feeding.

Mother-arrested-China-breastfeeding-baby-driving-mopedjpeg-2254995

STAY FOCUSED ON THE ROADWAY.

Be sure to check out Payday, a Barbadian comedy-drama/buddy film showcasing a raw slice of Barbadian community life.

And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

Global News Weekly Round-up – July 13 2013

Editor’s note: This report contains no explicit language that readers may find offensive. My apologies.

As I sit calmly enjoying my full English breakfast complete with a healthy serving of Early Grey Goose tea, I ponder one of life’s many conundrums: why do men have nipples?  I also wonder why, after scouring and devouring the news from all over our fair globe, why haven’t I read of my own legal troubles in the Daily Mail? Why hasn’t Piers Morgan reported on former FBNN news reporter Sunshine deMorning’s arrest?  Is it because Her Majesty has decided that there shall be no report of my situation? Is this the intent of a cover-up? Have I slipped unknowingly into the bum-crack of a major scandal? But enough about me; where are my manners?

Top of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

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Monday

Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill: Only Little People Pay Taxes 

This week, American Grammy-winner Lauryn Hill decided she was ‘ready for the show’ as she presented to a minimum security prison in Danbury, Connecticut to serve a 3 month sentence for tax evasion.  Her attorney could be overheard saying, “If I ruled the world, Ms. Hill, a mother of 6, would have received probation, but the prosecution sought to settle the score by giving my client prison time instead.”

In some media reports, Hill has been portrayed as just another millionaire elitist who feels the sweetest thing was pocketing the taxes on over $2M USD of income. The prosecuting attorney echoed the sentiment when she lauded Hill’s charity work, but called her defense “a parade of excuses centering around her feeling put upon,” to which the Fu Gee La singer responded, “Everything is everything.”

Big Brother TV

Big Brother Cited for Discriminatory Practices, GinaMarie Zimmerman: I’m Racist Too! 

Big Brother 15 contestant GinaMarie Zimmerman is crying foul after the show caved to public pressure and aired the dirty laundry of only one of its most infamous housemates, 22 year old Aaryn Gries.  Zimmerman took umbrage at the show’s montage highlighting Gries’ racially inappropriate commentary directed to an Asian housemate (she was recorded telling Korean-American housemate, Helen Kim, to “shut up, go make some rice”) and a homosexual housemate (who she referred to as “that queer”) while excluding her own racially inappropriate comments, which were directed at an African American housemate (“Be careful what you say in the dark because you might not be able to see the b@!$#.”)

Sources cite Gries’ ability to verbally degrade two groups of people made her not only an “equal opportunity racist”, but also more palatable as a reality TV villain,  whereas Zimmerman’s singular comment just made her seem like a hater, leading to her verbal indiscretions being omitted from the show’s montage.

Consequently, both Gries and Zimmerman have lost their employment since the comments were made public.  In an effort to rebound financially, the two have been exploring ways to make money selling drugs.

Drug work is work. I am not personally advocating this type of work, as it is lucrative yet very dangerous – much like working for the NSA. You must however, make your own decisions.

By the way, Kate is still very much impregnated. The sperm has indeed hit the egg, but the fetus has not yet left the stall.

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Tuesday

Corruption

Global Perception of Corruption Increases, Now on Par With Actual Corruption

In other news, the annual survey, Global Corruption Barometer, conducted by Berlin-based Transparency International (TI) recently published its findings that reveal people’s perception of, and participation in, corruption.  More than half of the 114,000 respondents believe that corruption has increased in recent times. The survey also showed that the greasiest palms belong to politicians, police, and the judiciary. Additionally, the survey found that water is indeed wet.

According to the survey, 27% of respondents paid a bribe during the past year to access public services. 2/3 had been asked to pay a bribe, but refused citing poverty.  51 countries identified political parties as the most corrupt institution. Huguette Labelle, TI’s Chair, indicated that people actually believed they had the power to stop corruption. Those people were also identified as believing that reindeer know how to fly. For more on TI’s findings as well as a map of the countries who pay the most in bribes, click here.

F_Afghanistan

The US’ Afghan Problem: Love Don’t Live Here No More, Obama Pulling Out

After spending well over a decade in Afghanistan,  US President Barack Obama has threatened to completely remove all US troops from the nation citing, “failure to colonize” following a row with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

The proverbial bloom fell off the rose when the US’ attempts to negotiate with the Taliban were met by Karzai’s stern disapproval.  Karzai reportedly accused the United States of “trying to negotiate a separate peace with both the Taliban and their backers in Pakistan”, which could result in an open door to Afghanistan’s enemies. Sources close to the US state that President Obama was merely trying to get the Taliban to reduce the taxes on opium; the Taliban has been known to control up to 96% of Afghanistan’s poppy fields, driving up the price of heroin throughout the world.

CNN Chief National Correspondent John King indicated senior administration officials regard dealing with Karzai as being on par with “dealing with a child”, leaving a very frustrated President Obama.

 

Obama Sick n Tired

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faced with the ‘zero-option’ threat during his last talk with President Obama, a defiant Karzai responded,

 

Karzi to Obama - Dont go away mad

as he ended talks with the US.

While various foreign affairs pundits are confident that negotiations between Obama and Karzai will continue, it is also believed that Karzai  is confident that he now holds the upper hand as a complete pullout would put the United States at a strategic disadvantage in a volatile region and greatly reduce American access to reduced-rate oil and heroin.

 

 

F_Australia

Top 3 Ways to Fly Under the Radar of Government Spies – well, there are really 10 but I picked the top 3

In light of new revelations that France spies on its citizens, the following public service announcement is in order:

According to a report in French publication, Le Monde, French security service Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, like the US, has also been engaging in the naughty practice of monitoring its citizens’ calls, texts, emails, and internet searches from its underground headquarters. The revelation supports French President Francois Hollande’s position of hypocrisy following his faux outrage at US interception of French communications.

If you are like me, and you like to frustrate the authorities and challenge their policies, then Australian lecturer James H. Hamlyn-Harris has ways for citizens of the free world to decrease your government’s ability to spy on you on the internet.

#1 – Safe text

Phone texts and emails are generally not secure and Microsoft, accused of collaborating with NSA and FBI by famed whistle-blower Edward Snowden, monitors your Skype chat. Explore a service that can offer web encryption and phone applications that can encrypt text messages.

#2 –  Encryption

Hamlyn-Harris’ recommended approach is using a serious encryption system scrambles the hell out of file contents with a strong algorithm.

And as in most, if not all, forms of life

#3 – Trust No One

Hamlyn-Harris cites, “The only way to be sure is to encrypt your files before they leave your computer. Don’t use the provider’s encryption software. Use open source software.”

For the other 7 ways, click here.

Aaannndd…yes, that Middleton woman is still pregnant.

**

Wednesday

F_ChinaF_Nigeria China Makes $1B Down-payment on African Country

In its continued quest for world domination, China recently “loaned” the oil-rich Nigerian government $1.1B at a low interest under the guise of ‘infrastructure-building.’  The funds are said to be going towards building up airport terminals, roads, and transportation.

Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China was quoted as saying, “China and Nigeria had been brought together by a common task of pursuing national development.” However, sources close to the matter indicate that Jinping was referring only to China’s national development, not Nigeria’s.

Although China plans to conquer the world, the country does not show much animosity.  During a Christmas visit abroad, Jinping even wrote to Santa that China had the world’s best interests at heart and his impact on Nigeria’s oil industry will in no way resemble King Leopold’s impact on Congo’s rubber industry.

Goodluck Jonathan.

 

 

F_Myanmar  Myanmar’s Military Problem: Kids Will Be Kids

In other news, Myanmar, a nation long riddled with accusations of human rights abuses has reportedly released 42 children from its armed forces in an effort to decrease the number of child soldiers and appease the UN.

While no conclusive data exists identifying just how many child soldiers are in the nation’s employ, sources estimate the actual number is closer to 5,000, causing some to criticize the country as merely  seeking international support and doing little in return.  Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have been quoted as saying the real reason the 42 children were released was due to the pint sized soldiers “talking back, throwing tantrums, and whining. You know, acting like children.”

Kate, I do believe you’re taking this thing a bit too far.

**

 

Thursday

F_UK Serco & G4S Charge Government for Monitoring Dead Offenders, Defends “Cost-sharing”

A recent PricewaterhouseCoopers audit has revealed that government contractors Serco and G4S have been overcharging for monitoring criminals, particularly ones who have been deceased for an extended period of time. Sources close to the firms cite that it simply cost more to monitor persons who live in other worlds.

Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was quoted as saying, “There has been a small number of cases where charging continued for a period when the subject was known to have died” which means there was a large number of cases, but admitting so would reflect badly on him.

Although companies being contracted to manage criminals often require fraud investigations themselves, the Secretary of State is considering integrating more private companies with the criminal justice system, citing a clear conscience with employing rats to watch government cheese as long as it’s at a reduced rate.

Yes, Kate is still pregnant.

**

Friday

F_US2Texas Teen Jailed for Sarcasm Released on Bond

19 year-old Justin Carter has been temporarily released from jail on $500K USD bond after 5 months; the charge: making terrorist threats, i.e. sarcasm.

In February, the youth was engaged in a Facebook feud over a video game. When the other party called Justin “crazy”, he verbally retaliated with, “I’m f@#%$ in the head alright. I’ma [sic] shoot up a kindergarten and watch the blood of the innocent rain down and eat the beating heart of one of them” followed immediately by internet idioms, “LOL” and “J/K”, meaning ‘laughing out loud’ and ‘just kidding’, respectively.

An unidentified woman, allegedly living in Canada, sought out Carter’s information online, found his address and linked police to his residence.

If convicted, he faces a 10 year prison term – for sarcasm.

Meanwhile, authentic terrorists everywhere are offended.

 

 

 

F_Russia Snowden Has Re-requested Russian Asylum, Now Promises to Behave

Edwhistleblower Snowden, who remains in limbo in a Russian airport transit area, has petitioned Russia to stay “until such time as these (Western) states accede to law and my legal travel is permitted.” The former NSA contractor no longer has legal travel documents that would permit him to travel to Venezuela, one of the countries that gladly offered him asylum.

Many believe that since the entire world is watching, the time has come for Snowden to face his accusers.  The US has been putting a considerable amount of pressure on nations in an effort to flush him back to the States to face espionage charges. Snowden has, in turn, made a citizen’s arrest by reportedly indicating he wants the US to also face charges of violating the Fourth Amendment for searching and seizing citizens’ personal information sans warrant or probable cause.

It would appear, Mr. Obama that you and your administration are under arrest. However, your pursuit of Mr. Snowden, in tandem with major media outlets reporting on said-pursuit, has been a major success in distracting the public from the main elephant – PRISM.

And yes, Kate is…o’ never mind.

**

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Cheeribum!  Be sure to check out Mexico’s Parque Eco Alberto’s Nightwalk theme park attraction and experience what its like to run for the border! Nightwalk simulates an illegal border crossing from Mexico into the United States. Fun, fun, fun!

And remember darlings, when the question is, “Why?” the answer is always “Money.” Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueenF_UK