Global News Weekly Roundup – July 20 2013

Top of the morning afternoon to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree? This week’s mid-week mashup was ENjoyable! I’ve been pairing my wines with everything from breakfast foods, to spliffs, to chocolates, and I’ve been doing fine, just fine! I think even Her Majesty may be lightening up about my little legal matter. I know dear Charles has. Charles with a spliff







But enough about me; where are my manners?



Not Guilty

George Zimmerman Petitions Russia for Asylum, Asks Edward Snowden “Can I stay with you?”

American neighbourhood watchman George Zimmerman has reportedly started the week off by petitioning Russian leader Vladimir Putin for asylum claiming that he lives in daily fear for his life following his ‘Not Guilty’ verdict in the shooting death of an American youth of African descent named Trayvon Martin.

It is reported that in his petition, Zimmerman stated he was in “no position to live out the remainder of his life under the watchful eye of passersby, misjudged by potential employers, and in fear of being shot/killed – you know, life as a black man.”

While reactions to the verdict were split with some in favour and some opposed, several observers claimed the verdict was nothing more than “payback for OJ.”

He is also said to have reached out to fellow ostracized American, Edward Snowden, as a potential flat-mate. No word on Snowden’s response.


Senior Drug Distribution Executive Arrested in Mexico

CEO of Fortune 500 drug distribution company, Merck Zetas, Miguel Angel “Z-40” Trevino, has been arrested along with 2 other executive staff members.

While many are hopeful of a decrease in the violence employed by the organization, some indicate that Trevino’s arrest will have no real impact on the US-Mexico drug trade.

A source close to the case, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated “Mr. Trevino is a businessman in a very lucrative business. Its all about supply and demand. Zetas works very hard at supplying the insatiable American pharmaceutical demand. Its unfair, but someone is already primed to take over.”

It is unclear whether Trevino’s brother, Omar “Z-42”, will take over the reins or if it will be split between the DEA and the Sinaloa cartel, as in times past.

And yes, Kate is still pregnant.



Pippa Please

Pippa Pissed at @Pippatips

Seeking to throw her sister’s weight around, Pippa Middleton has unleashed her attack-lawyers on Icon Books in an effort to get them to remove the loveable Twitter account ‘@Pippatips.’

The witty @Pippatips is a charming, advice-ridden Twitter account that highlights Ms. Middleton’s own style. Offering advice such as “Headache tablets can be a great in helping deal with a headache” and “Dressing up in nice clothes is a stylish way to look great at a party” is deemed a public service, not a nuisance as Pippa claims. Its pure parody Mat Morrisroe- and Suzanne Azzopardi-style, i.e. its not that serious and neither is a woman named “Pippa.”
By the way, her sister is STILLLLLLL pregnant.




Pakistani leader shocked by attack on Malala, tries to lure her with promise of education

Adnan Rasheed penned a letter expressing shock over the shooting of young Malala Yousafzai by members of his own extremist group. Sources close to the story say his shock over the shooting of the young activist was said to be because “the Taliban’s infamy is rooted in bombings, not shootings.”

Rasheed invited Malala back to Pakistan, calling for her to

Taliban to Malala

Malala, now living in central England, responded to the offer with a simple

Malala to Taliban

The Taliban leader indicated the supposed smear campaign is an act any reasonable human being can determine to be bad behavior, but the judgment of the shooting of a teenaged girl ‘must be left to God.’

No, Kate hasn’t had that bloody baby yet.



Rihanna Chip Shampoo

Fans Introduce Snack-sharing Program During Rihanna Concert

UK music lovers are serious, hardworking and generous people and demonstrated those attributes recently at pop star Rihanna’s Diamonds World Tour at Manchester Arena when the junior diva arrived late for her own performance.

While it was rumoured that some of the shows attendees began throwing their crisps at the singer in retribution for her tardiness, some at the show countered that by citing that fans had waited so long for the show to start, they began sharing their provisions among each other while they waited patiently for the proverbial ‘curtain to rise.’ #BeOnTimeForWork #ShineBrightLikeaPringle

In other news,

Evan Rachel Wood - Gimme the Weed

American Actress Develops Gestational Cannabis Withdrawal

Evan Rachel Wood has been mindful to keep her Twitter-family appraised of her pregnancy through frequent updates. Referring to her pregnancy as a “whirlwind roller-coaster”, the 25 year old has confessed she was craving pickled onions and peanut butter Pop Tarts, cravings  she suggests were undoubtedly brought on by her severely reduced marijuana intake.

It has been reported that the actress only smokes marijuana as prescribed by her doctor for treatment of mild to moderate glaucoma. #WinkWinkNudgeNudge


Guantanamo to Offer Free Prostate Exams and Colonoscopies

The US government is celebrating a recent court decision that allows it to perform prostate exams and colonoscopies on all detainees of Guantanamo Bay’s naval base located in Cuba.

The procedures, recommended by physicians to be done on an annual basis, are performed at Guantanamo several times a day – prior to leaving one’s cell, and upon return, at least several times a day.

The US extols the frequency of the intimate medical procedures and their two-fold benefit, citing: 1) early detection of cancers or abnormalities leads to early treatment and 2) it serves to decrease the rate of smuggling by inmates because everyone knows that terrorists smuggle secrets under their balls and in their anal cavities.

There simply is no other way to degrade an inmate.

Kate is holding that baby in her womb for ransom.




Accidental Actress Reminds People She is Alive, People Forget Again Shortly After Announcement

Recently, actress Rae Dawn Chong took to the airwaves for reasons unknown and quickly began efforts to become famous – by attacking a well-known and beloved celebrity, Oprah Winfrey. We are unsure of why she was on the radio programme and our sources were as well, as they thought Chong had died some time ago following her role with Winfrey. Chong appeared alongside Winfrey several hundred years ago in the film The Color Purple; at present, Chong is starring in solo work, Green with Envy.

While we take no issues with being an overachiever, it seems that Chong does as she proceeded to applaud Winfrey for being “a total biotch,” “a great brown-noser,” and the “fat chick in school that did everything and everyone loved her.”

Whoopi on RDC

While many may be unfamiliar with Chong, you should be familiar with this story line: person makes insanely inappropriate comments, person claims comments were taken out of context, person apologizes profusely citing previously unknown mental illness for ‘irrational behaviour’. We’ve all seen this one – if not this woman – before.

When asked for her response, Oprah’s camp declined to comment; however, our sources said the former talk show host could be overheard saying

Oprah on RDC

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!  Be sure to check out events in your local area, and do tell everyone about it – that’s how we knit…our community together of course.

And remember darlings, a pessimist is just a well-informed optimist. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen


Mid-week Mashup: Winebibbing on a Budget

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Mid-Week Mashup comes to you in the form of:

Winebibbing on a Budget


Nice wine









  An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

State Trooper: “Sir, have you been drinking?”

Priest: “Just water”

Trooper: “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”










Lighten up lushes – it was merely a joke!

And with all the daunting headlines in the news this week, I think we all could use a generous glass paired with fine sarcasm.

Wine Glass

I want to share with you neighbours some of the best wines on a budget. Some of you may already be imbibing on these, but perhaps some of you want to progress in your “adult” behavior, and drinking is no better way to do that.

However, if you have an alcohol problem – though I can think of no better problem to have (other than that of having too much money) – you may want to heed the following alcohol warnings:

WARNING: The consumption of alcohol:

Wine Makes You Lean

1. May create the delusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking
2. May cause you to think you can sing
3. Is a major factor in dancing like a retard
4. May cause pregnancy
5. May leave you wondering what happened to your bra and panties
6. May make you think you are whispering when you are not
7. May cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them
8. May lead you to think people are laughing WITH you

With that said, on to the best wines for even the most meager of budgets (in no particular order):

Yellow Tail - The Reserve 2008

Who knew smooth and supple only cost around 10.00?

 Does hot weather precipitate Moscato season? Perhaps. This 11.00 fruity Cupcake offering is less than an evening at the cinema and much more enjoyable.

Moscato D'asti

I do believe 1 glass of wine counts as a serving of fruit, no?

Broadbent Vinho Verde

Portugal’s “celebrity” wine – everybody loves it! A 10.00 light, citrus companion partner for an equally handsome seafood fare.




Alamos Malbec

Berries and spice at 10.00 is nice!

And who doesn’t love an arrogant wine?

Arrogant Frog Pinot Noir

 Strawberries, cherries, vanilla, spice – it has a right to be a bit lofty, doesn’t it?

Next up…



Segura Viudas Brut Rose

Imagine Hello Kitty with stilettos – pink, sparkly, raspberry gently dancing with strawberry and, at around 9.00, loved by many!



BenMarco Cabernet Sauvignon

Instantly assailed by fruity fingertips tickling your nostrils, enticed by the robust blackberry and buxom blackcherry with the tastes of chocolate, vanilla and spice on her tongue, this smooth lady beckons you with her 20.00 smokey stare

  2007 Vina Eguia Rioja Reserva

A very masculine feel, strong and rich, with vanilla subtleties and cinnamon whiskers – this bloke’s a 10.00 smooth criminal.


Do you really need ten? These 8 should be enough to get you and me through August.

Cleaning is Drinking

Not much else to do during a summer of Royal house arrest, that and some sprucing up about the place. And remember mates, whether wine is a nourishment, medicine or poison is a matter of dosage.   I’ll let you know what you missed in the news in a few days. Cheerio! #GodSavetheQueen


Global News Weekly Round-up – July 13 2013

Editor’s note: This report contains no explicit language that readers may find offensive. My apologies.

As I sit calmly enjoying my full English breakfast complete with a healthy serving of Early Grey Goose tea, I ponder one of life’s many conundrums: why do men have nipples?  I also wonder why, after scouring and devouring the news from all over our fair globe, why haven’t I read of my own legal troubles in the Daily Mail? Why hasn’t Piers Morgan reported on former FBNN news reporter Sunshine deMorning’s arrest?  Is it because Her Majesty has decided that there shall be no report of my situation? Is this the intent of a cover-up? Have I slipped unknowingly into the bum-crack of a major scandal? But enough about me; where are my manners?

Top of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?



Miseducation of Lauryn Hill

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill: Only Little People Pay Taxes 

This week, American Grammy-winner Lauryn Hill decided she was ‘ready for the show’ as she presented to a minimum security prison in Danbury, Connecticut to serve a 3 month sentence for tax evasion.  Her attorney could be overheard saying, “If I ruled the world, Ms. Hill, a mother of 6, would have received probation, but the prosecution sought to settle the score by giving my client prison time instead.”

In some media reports, Hill has been portrayed as just another millionaire elitist who feels the sweetest thing was pocketing the taxes on over $2M USD of income. The prosecuting attorney echoed the sentiment when she lauded Hill’s charity work, but called her defense “a parade of excuses centering around her feeling put upon,” to which the Fu Gee La singer responded, “Everything is everything.”

Big Brother TV

Big Brother Cited for Discriminatory Practices, GinaMarie Zimmerman: I’m Racist Too! 

Big Brother 15 contestant GinaMarie Zimmerman is crying foul after the show caved to public pressure and aired the dirty laundry of only one of its most infamous housemates, 22 year old Aaryn Gries.  Zimmerman took umbrage at the show’s montage highlighting Gries’ racially inappropriate commentary directed to an Asian housemate (she was recorded telling Korean-American housemate, Helen Kim, to “shut up, go make some rice”) and a homosexual housemate (who she referred to as “that queer”) while excluding her own racially inappropriate comments, which were directed at an African American housemate (“Be careful what you say in the dark because you might not be able to see the b@!$#.”)

Sources cite Gries’ ability to verbally degrade two groups of people made her not only an “equal opportunity racist”, but also more palatable as a reality TV villain,  whereas Zimmerman’s singular comment just made her seem like a hater, leading to her verbal indiscretions being omitted from the show’s montage.

Consequently, both Gries and Zimmerman have lost their employment since the comments were made public.  In an effort to rebound financially, the two have been exploring ways to make money selling drugs.

Drug work is work. I am not personally advocating this type of work, as it is lucrative yet very dangerous – much like working for the NSA. You must however, make your own decisions.

By the way, Kate is still very much impregnated. The sperm has indeed hit the egg, but the fetus has not yet left the stall.




Global Perception of Corruption Increases, Now on Par With Actual Corruption

In other news, the annual survey, Global Corruption Barometer, conducted by Berlin-based Transparency International (TI) recently published its findings that reveal people’s perception of, and participation in, corruption.  More than half of the 114,000 respondents believe that corruption has increased in recent times. The survey also showed that the greasiest palms belong to politicians, police, and the judiciary. Additionally, the survey found that water is indeed wet.

According to the survey, 27% of respondents paid a bribe during the past year to access public services. 2/3 had been asked to pay a bribe, but refused citing poverty.  51 countries identified political parties as the most corrupt institution. Huguette Labelle, TI’s Chair, indicated that people actually believed they had the power to stop corruption. Those people were also identified as believing that reindeer know how to fly. For more on TI’s findings as well as a map of the countries who pay the most in bribes, click here.


The US’ Afghan Problem: Love Don’t Live Here No More, Obama Pulling Out

After spending well over a decade in Afghanistan,  US President Barack Obama has threatened to completely remove all US troops from the nation citing, “failure to colonize” following a row with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

The proverbial bloom fell off the rose when the US’ attempts to negotiate with the Taliban were met by Karzai’s stern disapproval.  Karzai reportedly accused the United States of “trying to negotiate a separate peace with both the Taliban and their backers in Pakistan”, which could result in an open door to Afghanistan’s enemies. Sources close to the US state that President Obama was merely trying to get the Taliban to reduce the taxes on opium; the Taliban has been known to control up to 96% of Afghanistan’s poppy fields, driving up the price of heroin throughout the world.

CNN Chief National Correspondent John King indicated senior administration officials regard dealing with Karzai as being on par with “dealing with a child”, leaving a very frustrated President Obama.


Obama Sick n Tired







Faced with the ‘zero-option’ threat during his last talk with President Obama, a defiant Karzai responded,


Karzi to Obama - Dont go away mad

as he ended talks with the US.

While various foreign affairs pundits are confident that negotiations between Obama and Karzai will continue, it is also believed that Karzai  is confident that he now holds the upper hand as a complete pullout would put the United States at a strategic disadvantage in a volatile region and greatly reduce American access to reduced-rate oil and heroin.




Top 3 Ways to Fly Under the Radar of Government Spies – well, there are really 10 but I picked the top 3

In light of new revelations that France spies on its citizens, the following public service announcement is in order:

According to a report in French publication, Le Monde, French security service Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, like the US, has also been engaging in the naughty practice of monitoring its citizens’ calls, texts, emails, and internet searches from its underground headquarters. The revelation supports French President Francois Hollande’s position of hypocrisy following his faux outrage at US interception of French communications.

If you are like me, and you like to frustrate the authorities and challenge their policies, then Australian lecturer James H. Hamlyn-Harris has ways for citizens of the free world to decrease your government’s ability to spy on you on the internet.

#1 – Safe text

Phone texts and emails are generally not secure and Microsoft, accused of collaborating with NSA and FBI by famed whistle-blower Edward Snowden, monitors your Skype chat. Explore a service that can offer web encryption and phone applications that can encrypt text messages.

#2 –  Encryption

Hamlyn-Harris’ recommended approach is using a serious encryption system scrambles the hell out of file contents with a strong algorithm.

And as in most, if not all, forms of life

#3 – Trust No One

Hamlyn-Harris cites, “The only way to be sure is to encrypt your files before they leave your computer. Don’t use the provider’s encryption software. Use open source software.”

For the other 7 ways, click here.

Aaannndd…yes, that Middleton woman is still pregnant.



F_ChinaF_Nigeria China Makes $1B Down-payment on African Country

In its continued quest for world domination, China recently “loaned” the oil-rich Nigerian government $1.1B at a low interest under the guise of ‘infrastructure-building.’  The funds are said to be going towards building up airport terminals, roads, and transportation.

Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China was quoted as saying, “China and Nigeria had been brought together by a common task of pursuing national development.” However, sources close to the matter indicate that Jinping was referring only to China’s national development, not Nigeria’s.

Although China plans to conquer the world, the country does not show much animosity.  During a Christmas visit abroad, Jinping even wrote to Santa that China had the world’s best interests at heart and his impact on Nigeria’s oil industry will in no way resemble King Leopold’s impact on Congo’s rubber industry.

Goodluck Jonathan.



F_Myanmar  Myanmar’s Military Problem: Kids Will Be Kids

In other news, Myanmar, a nation long riddled with accusations of human rights abuses has reportedly released 42 children from its armed forces in an effort to decrease the number of child soldiers and appease the UN.

While no conclusive data exists identifying just how many child soldiers are in the nation’s employ, sources estimate the actual number is closer to 5,000, causing some to criticize the country as merely  seeking international support and doing little in return.  Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have been quoted as saying the real reason the 42 children were released was due to the pint sized soldiers “talking back, throwing tantrums, and whining. You know, acting like children.”

Kate, I do believe you’re taking this thing a bit too far.




F_UK Serco & G4S Charge Government for Monitoring Dead Offenders, Defends “Cost-sharing”

A recent PricewaterhouseCoopers audit has revealed that government contractors Serco and G4S have been overcharging for monitoring criminals, particularly ones who have been deceased for an extended period of time. Sources close to the firms cite that it simply cost more to monitor persons who live in other worlds.

Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was quoted as saying, “There has been a small number of cases where charging continued for a period when the subject was known to have died” which means there was a large number of cases, but admitting so would reflect badly on him.

Although companies being contracted to manage criminals often require fraud investigations themselves, the Secretary of State is considering integrating more private companies with the criminal justice system, citing a clear conscience with employing rats to watch government cheese as long as it’s at a reduced rate.

Yes, Kate is still pregnant.



F_US2Texas Teen Jailed for Sarcasm Released on Bond

19 year-old Justin Carter has been temporarily released from jail on $500K USD bond after 5 months; the charge: making terrorist threats, i.e. sarcasm.

In February, the youth was engaged in a Facebook feud over a video game. When the other party called Justin “crazy”, he verbally retaliated with, “I’m f@#%$ in the head alright. I’ma [sic] shoot up a kindergarten and watch the blood of the innocent rain down and eat the beating heart of one of them” followed immediately by internet idioms, “LOL” and “J/K”, meaning ‘laughing out loud’ and ‘just kidding’, respectively.

An unidentified woman, allegedly living in Canada, sought out Carter’s information online, found his address and linked police to his residence.

If convicted, he faces a 10 year prison term – for sarcasm.

Meanwhile, authentic terrorists everywhere are offended.




F_Russia Snowden Has Re-requested Russian Asylum, Now Promises to Behave

Edwhistleblower Snowden, who remains in limbo in a Russian airport transit area, has petitioned Russia to stay “until such time as these (Western) states accede to law and my legal travel is permitted.” The former NSA contractor no longer has legal travel documents that would permit him to travel to Venezuela, one of the countries that gladly offered him asylum.

Many believe that since the entire world is watching, the time has come for Snowden to face his accusers.  The US has been putting a considerable amount of pressure on nations in an effort to flush him back to the States to face espionage charges. Snowden has, in turn, made a citizen’s arrest by reportedly indicating he wants the US to also face charges of violating the Fourth Amendment for searching and seizing citizens’ personal information sans warrant or probable cause.

It would appear, Mr. Obama that you and your administration are under arrest. However, your pursuit of Mr. Snowden, in tandem with major media outlets reporting on said-pursuit, has been a major success in distracting the public from the main elephant – PRISM.

And yes, Kate is…o’ never mind.


That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Cheeribum!  Be sure to check out Mexico’s Parque Eco Alberto’s Nightwalk theme park attraction and experience what its like to run for the border! Nightwalk simulates an illegal border crossing from Mexico into the United States. Fun, fun, fun!

And remember darlings, when the question is, “Why?” the answer is always “Money.” Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueenF_UK

Mid-week Mashup: Summer Reggae/Soca Fests

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Mid-Week Mashup comes to you in the form of:

Summer Reggae/Soca Festivals

JA Reggae Sumfest

Nothing transcends cultures like reggae music.

‘Tis the season to go on holiday and the world is wide open to those whose papers are in order.  Many of you live in areas that experience the wickedest of winters. Some of you simply want to escape and let your hair down, or take it off, or whatever. It is summer, and no better time exists to get out and do something.

The hot, summer air is thick with music and much of it is reggae/dancehall interwoven with soca. There are festivals “on de hill”, “in di mountain”, “pon de rock”, “unda di bush”, and everywhere in between.

Said the little lamb to the shepherd boy

Do you hear what I hear?

Ringing through the sky shepherd boy

Do you hear what I hear?

Di pan, di pan sailing through di breeze

Whine yu waist an wuk up wid me

Whine yu waist an wuk up wid me

Yes friends, carnival season is in swing throughout Toronto, Canada, the US, and the Caribbean!  Do you remember?


Currently, this is running the border:

Try this is your next Zumba class, mates!

Or this:

Feelin’ hot, Hot. HOT yet? No? Taste this:

You ready now? Then please direct your attention to Barbados’ upcoming Soca on de Hill, Sunday, July 21st.

Soca on de Hill 2013

Do you remember the first reggae song you heard? What was it? When did you first fall in love with reggae/soca? What did it feel like?

Too hot? Need something a few beats milder? Onwards to the international reggae scene:

One Love Fest in Essex – 8/16 to 8/18

UK One Love Reggae Fest - Essex

Austria’s Hill Vibes Reggae in Otztal – 8/14

Austria Hill Vibes Reggae Fest

Belgium’s Reggae Geel 2013 in Geel – 8/2 to 8/3

Belgium Geel Reggae Fest

Croatia’s Seasplash Fest  in Pula – 7/18 to 7/22

Croatia Seasplash Reggae Fest

And happening in France…

Garance’s Reggae Fest 2013 in Bagnois – July 24 to July 27

Bagnois France Reggae Fest

No Logo Reggae Fest in Fraisans – 8/14 to 8/15

Fraisans France No Logo Reggae Fest

Nostang’s Percussions Du Monde 2013 – 7/12 to 7/13

Nostang France Les Percussions du Monde Reggae Fest

And in Germany…

Burtenbach’s Sunrise Reggae & Ska Fest – 7/12 to 7/14

Burtenbach Germany Reggae Fest

Mulheim’s a der Buhr’s Love, Peace & Music Fest – 7/19 to 7/21

Mulheim Germany Love Peace Music Reggae Fest

Of particular interest, Nordstemmen’s Weedbeat 2013 – 7/12 to 7/14

Nordstemmen Germany Weedbeat Reggae Fest

And in Italia…

Chioggia’s One Love Fest – July 25 to July 28

Chioggia Italy One Love Reggae Fest

Gargeghe’s Sardinia Reggae Fest – 8/1 to 8/4

Gargeghe Italy Reggae Fest

Venezia’s Sunsplash 2013 – 7/19 to 7/23

Venice Italy Sunsplash Reggae Fest

And across Poland…

Reggaeland 2013 in Plock – 7/12 to 7/14

Poland Reggaeland Reggae Fest

Ostroda Reggae Fest 2013 – 8/9 to 8/11

Ostroda Poland Reggae Fest


Spain’s Trash n’ Ready Fest in Barcelona – 8/10

Spain Trash n Ready Reggae Fest

Slovenia’s Overjam Reggae Fest in Tolmin – 8/14 to 8/17

Slovenia Overjam Reggae Fest

And that’s just a fraction of the action for your musical satisfaction. For more information and more event listings, please visit my good global neighbours over at I guarantee there is a festival happening near you – wherever in the world you are!

If any of you attend any event, do let me know – and share photos! It will certainly help ease the sleepless, lonely nights and long, listless days on house arrest under Her Majesty’s slumbering eye. Now go on! Enjoy summer!  I’ll let you know what you missed in the news in just a few days more. Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen


Global News Weekly Round-up – July 6 2013

As I sit here pondering my breakfast and underwear choices, my barrister and my vicar are pondering my fate. It seems that Despicable Me 2 is not just a summer box office offering, but a mantra of sorts that I unwittingly assumed. My life is in flux and Her Majesty would have it no other way. I didn’t mean to break into that private Royal Court of Records; well, actually I did, I just never intended to get caught, I swear! I’m a reporter verdammt, not one of Borat-level notoriety, but a news reporter nonetheless and, under any circumstances, I must get my story. The story is what I was after. Now, they’re after me. Woe is me – woe, woe WOE is me. But enough about me; where are my manners?

Top of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been a rather eventful week around our lovely globe. Looking back, day-by-day, wouldn’t you agree?


F_JA Reggae Blip on American Music Award Show to Generate Uptick on American Music Scene

Reggae music, which many would say was popularized by Bob Marley, has had its fair amount of ebbs and flows within the international music scene. However, many proponents of the genre saw their hope renewed with the most recent segment of America’s popular BET Music Awards ceremony. The 5-minute break from the R&B and hip-hop heavy evening consisted of Dawn Penn, Chaka Demus and Pliers, Beenie Man and Elephant Man singing familiar, though well-aged, reggae and dancehall tunes including Penn’s and Demus & Pliers’ 1994 hits, “No, No, No” and “Murder She Wrote,” respectively.  VP Records’ VP, Aaron Talbert, applauded the performances of Beenie Man’s 13 year old hit “Girls Dem Suga” and Elephant Man’s decade-old hit “Pon Di River.”  Talbert told The Jamaica Observer, “Seeing artistes such as Gabrielle Union and Nikki Minaj sing and dance to these tracks should spark some interest which we at VP hope will result in a spike in digital sales.”  It is currently unknown how that is a reasonable expectation as the pair mentioned are not seen on any wide scale as musical taste-makers. If the intent of the ceremony was to see a spike in digital sales or even interest, which it clearly was not, the musical offering should have been something a bit more current by artists who have current music available. It is suspected, however, that BET’s reggae ‘blip’ did not do anything that would have increased attention in this particular genre of music. Talbert also “hopes the positive reception will result in BET making their playlist more diverse.”

Dear Aaron,

Jesse Jackson

F_PolandCoincidentally, Poland’s 12th Annual Ostrada Reggae Festival, featuring Jamaican acts such as U-Roy and Busy Signal, American act Groundation, Australian act Blue King Brown, and Canadian act Dubmatix –to name a few, will take place August 9-11. Perhaps they’ll feature more current musical offerings than the American BET Music Awards did. Dare to dream.

And Kate is still pregnant.


twitter3Twitter Faces Tough Times When Actor Bails

The world witnessed a terrible exhibition on Tuesday; it was horrific, devastating, calamitous, destructive, cataclysmic, appalling, grievous, heartbreaking, grim, pitiable, ruinous, unfortunate, woeful, and wretched, to say the least.  American actor Alec Baldwin has un-followed Twitter. It’s a tough blow to social media, but this is a time when we as a global community must come together and be strong for each other. Send us your tweets to show you care.


Yes, Kate is still pregnant.


F_Vatican City They Call Me SAINT Pope John Paul!

A Catholic Church committee in Vatican City approved making the late Pope John Paul II a saint.  Publicly, the bishops and cardinals who make up the committee attributed the grand decision to a healing miracle that occurred in 2011; privately, they attributed the decision, and actual miracle, to the fact that PJP had never molested altar boys prior to, or during his tenure. A miracle indeed.

F_FranceOccupy THIS!

French prosecutors who charged leader of the French National Front party Marine Le Pen have seemingly awakened a sexy, sleeping giant. The French leader, who has now lost her immunity status, has vowed to defend herself against charges of inciting racial hatred after referring to the increased Muslim presence in France as “an occupation.”  Specifically, during a 2010 speech she said routine, illegal blocking of public roadways for Muslim prayers is comparable with an occupation of parts of French territory.  You were thinking it, but she said it.

F_Egypt  Coup d’etat Magnifique!

Not referring to an official film selection at Cannes, but rather the current state of Egyptian politics. After defiantly telling his protestors to succinctly ‘bugger off’ as they called for him to step down from his presidential post, Mohamed Morsi was snatched up by the short and curlies by General Abdel Fattah al-Sisi and company resulting in the current suspension of the country’s constitution.  Adly Mansour has taken over as acting head of state.

Egypt’s first freely elected president is said to have started the drama by, what alJazeera calls, ‘failing the 2011 revolution by concentrating power in Islamist hands.’  So far, over a dozen people have died or become injured during the protests.

Morsi Ousted

By the way, Kate is still pregnant.

F_InternationalStop Snitching, Stop & Frisk, and Just Plain Stop! – An International Incident

En route to Bolivia from Moscow, Bolivian president Evo Morales’ plane was grounded and detained upon flying into French airspace.  What some have called an attempt to kidnap the Bolivian ruler, others have determined to be nothing more than a routine ‘stop & frisk’ in the search for drugs Edward Snowden.  Both Morales and Snowden have lashed out at the event, surmising that it was done at the behest of the Obama Administration, citing it as an act of aggression.

As you may recall, Snowden previously requested Russian asylum. Vladimir Putin extended the possibility of asylum to Snowden on one condition:

putin-stop-snitching to which Snowden replied, ImaSnitch.

During the week, culminating by Wednesday into the US’ Stop Snitching campaign, we saw the US “whistleblower” still  in a state of  limbo within Moscow’s Sheremetyevo airport’s transit area. Since turning on his former employer, the US federal government, by exposing PRISM, an e-surveillance program used by NSA to access your internet communiqués, they have in turn revoked his US passport. He’s reportedly withdrawn his request for Russian asylum.

The Ecuadorian government has determined to only consider a request for asylum once Snowden has entered Ecuador or one of its embassies knowing full well that Snowden has no legal travel documents.

StopSnitchin Meanwhile US President Barack Obama has reportedly been involved in “high level discussion with the Russians about trying to find a solution to the problem.” [Emphasis mine] Just a hint for dear Edward, just as in the mafia, when anyone in power refers to you as a problem, the only forward thinking conclusion is to exterminate you. Dear Edward, please watch your back.

Oh yeah, and Kate is still pregnant.


F_USIts Just Thursday ’round Here

This day marks a rather uneventful time in British history, but bears minute significance in United States history. Today, the Americans, nee ‘former Brits’ celebrate “Independence Day.” This is the day when that ungrateful little brat broke away from the mother country to form its own government by leaving us a note, the Declaration of Independence. Lets see how well they’ve been doing. The latest rows have been over yet-to-pass immigration reform, $600K USD spent on increasing the number of Facebook “likes” by the State Dept., Ed Snowden, and of course the delay in the new healthcare provision – all in the name of good old fashioned politricks. With all their shicky-micky doctors and their shicky-micky diagnostic procedures coupled with lack of vigilance against wasteful practices with care that ranks 37th in quality, its no wonder in America, illness = very high levels of expenditure = bankruptcy.

Well done America, well done!  Anytime you’re ready, I’m sure Her Majesty would welcome you back into the fold along with your tired, your poor, and your overfed-yet-undernourished masses.

F_T&TWhen Pigs Have Badges?

In other news, though this event did not occur on Thursday, it came across the Its Always Sunny in de Morning news desk (basically my lap when I’m in the loo) on Thursday. This news event marks a harrowing tale of a young woman on holiday with mum and sister to the island of Trinidad in the West Indies. Her blog entry, “When Pigs Have Badges” drew me in on title alone. I love a good animal story. But this did not tell of kindly farm animals and farm justice; this was a news event of how Tameka Vasquez and her travel companions are currently out on $65K (TT) bond facing 6 months in prison and $13K (TT) in fines. Either the story betrays an egregious level of human rights abuses or there is more in the mortar than the pestle. I can’t really tell as I am facing my own row against injustice now, but her tale is worth a read.

On its face, it would appear to be a misunderstanding exacerbated by impolite speech, but as is understood, 3 sides of a story always exist – yours/mine/the truth.


F_BoliviaUS Embassy on Achy Breaky Ground

President Evo Morales released a threat to shut down the US embassy in Bolivia in response to this week’s earlier stop and frisk. (See above) President Morales was quoted as saying, “My hand would not tremble to close the US embassy. We have dignity, sovereignty. Without America, we are better off politically and democratically.”

 Well, Obama, I guess he told you. Meanwhile, France has apologized for the incident, while Spain refuses, citing, “#FOH.”


Thou Shalt Employ 7-second Delays

In other news, Ofcom has fined an Asian television channel for airing a speech that it says would “likely encourage the commission of a crime.” The Islamist scholar, reportedly said, ‘Muslims had a duty to kill anyone who insulted the Prophet Muhammad.’

While DM Digital, available on Sky in the UK and satellite platforms throughout Europe, the Middle East, Africa and Asia, accepted responsibility for violating broadcasting codes, it insisted that it was an accident.  While being forced to tighten up its editorial guidelines and dismiss those responsible for the show’s content, the station admitted, “7-second delays are for punks.”

F_Nicaragua OR F_VenezuelaChoices, Choices – Decision 2013

BREAKING NEWS: Fugitive whistleblower Edward Snowden has been spotted packing several linen suits, board shorts, suntan lotion, and a Spanish-English dictionary. Boarding a plane in Moscow, Snowden could be heard singing R&B artist Chris Brown’s “Deuces.” Stay tuned.

I know you mad but so what?
I wish you best of luck
And now I’m bout to throw them deuces up

Annnddddd, yes, Kate is still pregnant.


That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!  Be sure to check out Amy Winehouse: A Family Portrait at the Jewish Museum now through September.

And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen