Global News Weekly Roundup – 31 August 2013

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Hello again you Smart and Beautifuls! A lofty amount of malicious deliciousness has taken place during my brief illness, but as my health was improving, I took notice of some extreme malevolence on the part of some of our global neighbours:

American rapper Eminem has been named Ireland’s new “Barry White” with rhymes so smooth they apparently make #Slanegirl residents’ knickers wet and knees drop. Oh my!

American military snitch Bradley Manning (oh, you Americans thrill me, you really do) attempts a beautiful ruse – ye old bait & switch, genderstyle – in an effort to live out his 35 year prison sentence in a female prison. You old scalawag, you! 

Nicholas Attin’s Escape from Babylon finally opened in Caribbean cinemas with a professionally trained and diverse cast, filmed on location in Trinidad – imagine, a criminal underworld in Trinidad?  Unfathomable, yet Attin makes it believable. I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Attin.

On a recent trip to China, Jamaican Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller told officials that if they want to do business with the tiny island paradise, ‘dem haffi pay dung pon it’ to the tune of $1.5B, which the Chinese are more than happy to pay as a down payment on the island.

It was so nice that a large crowd gathered for #NottingHillCarnival. I’m always glad to see the mentally ill blending in with the general population for such a culturally rich event. But someone please tell them that carnival is for dancing, not dry-humping.

Aaaannd…those American Video Mediocrity Awards, during which I felt personally victimized by that Cyrus girl’s perfauxmance. Initially, I was concerned, thinking, “Dear Lord! Somebody help her! She’s trying not to swallow her tongue, she’s having a seizure!” But soon I realized I was being taken on a neuropsychotic ride. Additionally, while Jimberlake was bringing sexy back, that Thicke bloke was bringing Beetlejuice back with that horrid zebra ensemble.

Robin Beetlejuice at the VMAs

But enough about me; where are my manners?  How ARE you, you precious bastards?

F_US2

Wild Wing Café’s There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity’ Experiment

Somewhere in America, a restaurant chain has experienced an explosive Facebook marketing campaign that puts their business on the map, but for all the wrong reasons. Something called Wild Wing Café refused to serve a group of 25 black patrons who had been waiting approximately 2 hours to be seated because a white patron reported feeling threatened by their presence.

Mathematically, that reflects poorly on the deciding manager.

A local news station reported that a Wild Wing Café representative reached out to the offended party to apologize, and offered a free meal to the group.

I asked a relative who lives in the States to put the matter into context for me, and she simply replied, “Its South Carolina.”

My problem with this story should be obvious: who the hell waits 2 hours to be seated???

But onward to the real news…

F_Switzerland

’ No Bikes, No Filming, No littering’, Zurich’s New Hooker Attraction Gears Up for Business

Resulting from an earlier 2.5M franc sex-box referendum, Zurich has opened a new theme park offering hookers semi-private stables in which to perform their services. As such, street solicitation is no longer permitted and sex workers are expected to adhere to working in the confines of available stables.

Zurich’s newly designed sex stables, manned by security guards, feature an alarm, emergency exit, and giant erotic posters with condoms on them to remind patrons to wear them – yes, because they’re so bloody effective.

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The Swiss city also spared no taxpayer expense in creating ‘ambience’ for shoppers that include bench seating, healthy trees and coloured lighting.

Zurich Sex Stable

The sex boxes are said to reduce violence and improve working conditions for sex workers, but locals say they are mainly to reduce visibility of sex workers in larger communities. There are rules however, patrons must drive down a strip as they shop, one man per car (no word on how many women or boys are allowed in the vehicle), no cycles of any kind (bi-,tri-, or motor), no filming, and no littering. Gotta keep Dirty Disneyland clean!

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F_Zimbabwe

Mugabe-Inspired Bum Cloth Nixed

A patriotic, entrepreneurial idea at its best has been nixed in Zimbabwe. In an effort to increase recycling within the African country, 26 year old Takura Mufumisi was said to have used posters of newly re-elected President Mugabe as bum cloth, i.e. toilet paper (not to be confused with bumboclaat) in a local bar. However, election laws prohibit the use of campaign posters in that manner.

Fortunately for Mr. Mufumisi, he was acquitted due to lack of evidence earlier this month. According to reports, the lone witness could only testify that Mr. Mufumisi went into the shitter, but could not confirm what he wiped his arse with. Locals are looking into alternate and more acceptable recycling programs.

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Liat Air

LIAT Airlines: ‘We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Wheels to Fly’

43 Barbados-bound passengers on LIAT Flight 774 are reconsidering their choice of airline carrier following a budget flight from Guyana in another damning incident for the beleaguered airline.

A LIAT representative calls the most recent incident a “main wheel failure during takeoff.”  However passengers reported that the main wheel was actually successful in falling off of the aircraft.

Sources indicate that the pilot was advised to continue on to Grantley Adams International Airport following discussions with maintenance personnel.

The Leader In Airline Trauma, who advertises fares as low as $100 on its website, recently inked a $65M deal to finance an upgrade of its fleet; airline insiders say it can offer competitive fares because it spends less on airline maintenance and ancillary items such as staff training and wheels citing, on condition of anonymity, “When you’re in the air, wheels are not important, wings are.”

Part of the reason LIAT can offer such sub-stellar service is because they lack legitimate competition for intra-island travel. However, that may soon change as Aerogaviota Caribbean is poised to take over after recently launching flights between Havana, Cuba and Kingston, Jamaica. If LIAT is not carefully considerate, they may become the BlackBerry of the Caribbean airline industry, taking a rear, economy coach seat to Aerogaviota.

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Oxford Dictionary of English

Oxford Wrongly Classifies ‘Twerking’ as a Dance, Rather Than Mental Illness

In other developments, the lovely gents responsible for the Oxford Dictionary have announced that future editions of the famous book of words will include the word Twerk (verb), which will be defined incorrectly as, “dancing to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.”

This is completely irresponsible on the part of Oxford as the phenomenon of twerking is CLEARLY a neuropsychiatric disorder that would be more appropriately identified within the tempered pages of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Twerking is not a dance; it is a part of a wide spectrum of tic disorders.

What is being characterized as “dancing” is actually a series of physical (motor) tics as seen in people with Tourrette syndrome. Like Tourette’s, twerking is no longer a rare condition, but it is still very much bizarre affecting mainly females as they pass through adolescence into adulthood.

Twerking in adulthood is a rarity, though it is often observed within the confines of many nightclubs where women “dance” on poles and in laps of patrons. Twerking in this instance is used as a catch and release method when the buttocks clenches and releases in an effort to keep hold of the paper currency, usually small denominations,  that is being thrown at those exhibiting this disorder.

Twerking is not fatal and can be treated with exorcism.

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F_Kenya

Kenyan Woman-shortage Creates Happy Love Triangles

Kenyans have reportedly begun smoking the wrong end of the cannabis plant as demonstrated by two men allegedly agreeing to marry the same woman.

The woman, a widow with 2 children who has elected to remain anonymous, had been cheating on each suitor with the other for over 4 years as she simply ‘could not decide betwixt the two.’

I Smell Bullshit

To solve the problem, Sylvester Mwendwa and Elijah Kimani have agreed to share the unnamed Jezebel in matrimony to ‘keep the peace.’ In other words, one-a-mind-and-one-a-grind.

Local attorneys advised that the union would be legally recognised only in the event that polyandry (a form of slackness) was a proven part of their custom which, according to locals, it is not. However, a family lawyer indicated the trio may get away with their scheme as the law does not expressly forbid polyandry.

In this split-object triangle, the two men will move into her house and rotate husband duties.  Mwendwa reportedly told BBC, “She is like the central referee. She can say whether she wants me or my colleague.”

I don’t know any man with fully descended testicles who would agree to such an arrangement. Do you? Chat back in the comments – unless you’re a voyeur, in which case, no pressure.

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The Internet

 

Revenge Porn, the New American Pastime

You know the story:

Girl meets boy

Girl dates boy

Boy asks girl for nude photo

Girl sends boy pic of the ‘dirty pillows’

Boy breaks up with girl

Boy retains custody of pic and shares on ‘revenge porn’ site

Girl gets trolled, and cries foul, etcetera, etcetera…

Such is the story of www.endrevengeporn.com’s founder, Holly Jacobs, who says her former boyfriend’s second personality emerged when he learned she was seeing someone new – a claim he denies. Civil and criminal charges are pending.

Apparently it is within every American’s right, except those in New Jersey where it is a felony, to pornify someone without getting their consent.  While you cannot take nonconsensual pics legally, you can share them legally. After all, sharing is caring.

Why didn’t she get the photo taken down?

The website refused, invoking the First Amendment.

Why didn’t she go to the police?

Posting the pics did not meet the ‘harassing course of conduct’ requirement of the criminal harassment law.

Why didn’t she have the ex-boyfriend killed?

Because she had already left a trail leading back to her by performing steps a) and b) above.

My recommendation to you who like to immortalize yourself in naked selfies, ESPECIALLY YOU TEENAGE TWITS:  Don’t allow anyone to possess compromising photos of you unless you are in possession of equally damning photos of them, ensuring mutual assured destruction.

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The Divine MJ

In other news and contrary to popular belief, not everyone who advocates for the divine MJ do so because they want to be smoked-out, red-eyed potheads. It is a plant, like many others, with countless health benefits.  A Jamaican scientist advocates for the proper, medicinal use of ganja – FINALLY!

Dr. Lowe, I need a word with you sir…

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Ciao!

And remember darlings, if you stop to throw a stick at every dog that barks at you, you’ll never reach your destination. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #HealthIsWealth #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

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MIDWEEK MASHUP: WICKEDEST DUBSTEPS

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

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Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:

Super Bass: Dubstep – Wicked Edition

When confined to limited space, such as a work cubicle, or one’s own home during house arrest, one must find ways to stay afloat on the rough seas of normalcy and mediocrity.

Here are some of the wickedest, bass-heavy melodies everyone on cubicle- or house-arrest should employ to maintain at least 63% of his/her sanity. I threw in a bit of techno for good measure – like water, techno is a universal solvent.

Studies show that bass-heavy beats can maintain healthy heart rates, lower cholesterol, and clear ones skin of acne blemishes. Side effects include dizziness, temporary hearing loss, and increased mental acuity. Follow these instructions immediately for the full experience – and at your own risk.

TURN SPEAKERS ON HIGH.

PRESS PLAY.

CLOSE EYES.

ENJOY RIDE.

Still here are you? I know you can’t really hear me right now as your ears are still ringing, but do let me know if your condition has improved at all. I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen

F_UK

Global News Weekly Roundup – 10 August 2013

Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Fortnight, Good Morrow lovelies! What a deliciously malicious week in the news! Speaking of malicious, Vladimir Putin seems to be falling out of everyone’s good graces at an alarming rate, starting with Barack Obama and Stephen Fry, yet he doesn’t seem terribly bothered. Her Majesty hasn’t been terribly bothered with me either. She’s been so preoccupied with Georgie Porgie that she has not been the least bit bothered by my burglary case. While I’ve been trying to prove my innocence, I’ve been watching the world’s headlines. They’re rather corrupt and a bit more maddening than usual. Wouldn’t you agree?

Sit back, share a morning cup of Earl Grey Goose tea with me, and catch up on the week in curious news.

F_Zimbabwe

Mugabe Touts Efficacy of Corruption, Says Ends Justify Means

“Do you think anybody would vote for me because I have a pretty smile and stylish wardrobe? Voters need to be compelled.”

Reigning king of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has been re-crowned in recent elections, though the opposition is crying foul, seeking redress from the courts.

Movement for Democratic Change has accused Mugabe and Zanu-PF of duplicating thousands of voter names and turning away opposition voters, among other fraudulent practices. They are calling for a new election by the end of this calendar year.

Mugabe was reportedly overheard saying, “There is no such thing as an honest government or election. If you want honesty/truth in government, you have to wait til you die and go to heaven, this is Africa!”

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F_Jamaica

Peek-a-boo, We Hear You! Jamaica’s Covert Spying Operations Uncovered

Jamaican police and military forces have joined the ranks of other national governments who spy on its citizens as several agencies were found tapping the phones of its residents.  When quizzed on their covert operations, authorities declined to comment on specifics like who was being spied on, how long they had been spying, and exactly what data they had gathered.  However, they claimed that spying is done to preserve the island’s national security. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, reminded residents that personal privacy was a thing of the past that could no longer be guaranteed as a 7-year old amendment to the Interception of Communications Act allows them to spy on its citizens for a full week sans warrant from the court.

Here’s what some locals had to say:

Thank you Gleaner for that lovely footage. #GovtTooNuff

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Chris Brown

Chris Brown to Leave Music for Boxing Career

Condolences are in order for members of #TeamBreezy as the R&B musician, and friend of Twitter, announced to Mainstream America – you know who you are – his tentative retirement from the music industry. Citing “infamy fatigue” and constant comparisons to the late Ike Turner, Brown conceded there is never a right time to Say Goodbye, but decided it was in his best interest to “chuck up the Deuces.”

Could this be a publicity ploy for his forthcoming album, X, or is he serious? No one knows for certain, but sources close to the embattled singer say he is considering boxing or MMA fighting as his next career move. “No doubt he’s a good fighter.” #FloatLikeaButterflyStingLikeaB

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F_Canada

Cyber Safety Act to Enforce Online Manners

Cyber-bullies are distressed over new Nova Scotia legislation that allows victims of bullying to sue; if the bully is a minor, the parents would become liable. If the bullying happens at school, the principal may become liable.

The new Cyber Safety Act loosely defines cyber bullying as any electronic communication that is reasonably expected to humiliate another person, or harm their “self-esteem…”

A conscientious observer noted,

Opponents of the law suggest this is a slippery slope due to the open interpretation of bullying that will be left to the victim. “Offense is taken, not given,” cited one cyber-bully. They’re arresting trolls now they want to sue bullies – what’s next, a law against ‘being mean?’

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JFLAG2   J-FLAG VS Queen Ifrica: Round I  Queen Ifrica

During Jamaica’s recent Grand Gala event, held to celebrate their 51st year of independence from the monarchy, reggae performer, daughter of Ska legend Derrick Morgan, and devout Rastafarian Ventrice “Queen Ifrica” Morgan (nee Fyah Muma) took some of her performance time to plead with the nation’s prime minister not to repeal the current buggery (anti-sodomy) laws.

Ruffling Doctor Bird feathers seemed to be her intention as she spoke out against homosexuality and skin bleaching, and in favour of legalizing marijuana.  In a move similar to popular dancehall artist Rodney “Bounty Killer” Price’s at a children’s fundraiser several years ago, Ifrica traded cheers for awkward silence when she verbally opposed Jamaica’s following what she called ‘international trends decriminalizing homosexuality.’ J-Flag is calling for the government to penalize artists’ use of indecent language, discriminatory rhetoric and the incitement of violence.

Ifrica said she was merely exercising her right to free speech.

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Hollywood Stars

 

Oh Yes She Did! – Emma Roberts Crashes Donut Line

*Disclaimer: We are not kind to celebs who think their status gives them preeminence above the rest of us. If this offends you, we’re sorry, and by ‘we’re sorry’ we mean, ‘you’ll get over it.’*

American actress Emma Roberts and her publicist were turned away when they attempted to reassign themselves from number 12,471 in a donut line to position number 2.

Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and niece of actress Julia Roberts, was at the tail end of a block-long line for the Gucci donuts when she decided, ‘I’m Emma Roberts bitches!’ and dragged her publicist to the entry way where a doorman sent them on their way. (Imagine, a donut shop so hip it has a doorman/bouncer, ah those New Yorkers!) She ended up leaving the line of young hipsters incessantly masturbating their iGadgets attempting to appear cool, hip, and edgy shortly after. The doorman admitted he was afraid of Roberts due to her recent arrest history for domestic battery, but was overheard saying, “I had a duty to protect and serve our donuts. They’re expensive y’know!”

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Oprah's Swiss Diss

Oprah Winfrey’s Swiss Diss

Once again, simple people have taken liberties with American TV personality and billionaire Oprah Winfrey, this time in Switzerland.

In town for singer Tina Turner’s nuptials, Oprah decided to go shopping sans entourage at one of those shicky micky boutiques – Trois Pommes.  Upon asking to see a 35K Franc crocodile handbag – the appropriate thing to do with a nasty croc, make a bloody bag out of it – the sales attendant allegedly replied, “No. That’s too expensive. I’ll show you this one.” The store’s head, Trudy Goetz, said the employee did nothing wrong in being “too kind,” looking out for the financial resources of its potential clientele in these tough economic times.

While Goetz said no disciplinary action would be taken against the employee, the offending sales associate is reportedly being remanded to basic sales training 101 where she would relearn the art of actually selling expensive merchandise, not keeping it around as store decor.

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VictorVictoria

 

Don-Dawn-Don, Transgender Wants to Be Man Again

He thought he was a woman trapped in a man’s body, but little did he know there was a man trapped inside the woman who was trapped inside that one body.

One fair day, Don Ennis announced to his wife that he was transgender and becoming a woman to be called Dawn. When “Dawn” fell into a weekend coma only to reawaken with breasts he did not remember acquiring, she decided she wanted to live life as a male once more. Ennis blamed his gender confusion on his mother – of course – saying she had fed him estrogen as a child.

Sources close to the matter cite “Dawn’s” inability to find fashionable shoes that fit as the real reason s/he shifted back to being male, plus those dreadful cramps! It’s a good thing he kept the penis.

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wheres the beef2

 

 

Beef Surprise for Dinner? The Surprise is THAT’S NOT BEEF

In an effort to meet an increased global demand for meat, a scientist has created a beef patty – in a laboratory.

The lab-grown burger, comprised of red beet juice, saffron, and cattle stem cells, took 5 years and $332K to produce – not a likely contender for fast food magnate McDonald’s whose burgers are cheaper and faster to make.

The mad Dutch scientist responsible for the petri-burger, Mark Post, anticipates his creation will become a ‘viable alternative to animal meat production’ in another 20 years. Meanwhile, veggie burgers will have to do.

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That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM!  Will I or won’t I get off of house arrest? Be sure to tune in next week to see if I’m free, or at least to check out what you missed in world news.

And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

 

MID-WEEK MASHUP: WORLD’S BEST GETAWAY CARS

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:

The World’s Best Getaway Cars

1003336_577577088950836_847186335_n

When choosing a getaway car, one has many considerations that facilitate making the best decision.

First, you must accept the reality that you will likely get stuck in traffic, so choosing a car that is petite is always a wise choice. A petite vehicle will allow you to weave effortlessly through congested areas.

Second, you must consider a vehicle with appropriate cargo space. If your intended spoils are greater in size than standard banknotes, a petite vehicle is not ideal.

Third, identification is inevitable. Sure, you can choose an average, neutral-coloured model, but those are usually made for moms and grads – not for those living on the edge, and let’s face it, getaway cars are exclusively for those who are teetering. Since you will most likely be spotted by some do-gooder seeking a reward, at least choose something stylish; this makes identification by helicopters above easier. Presentation is very important.

Escaping will no doubt involve a high speed chase, which means you will need a fast car, a very fast car.

Thanks Tracy, but no, I mean a really fast car.

If you are fortunate to get onto a main thoroughfare, like the Audubon, you will be able to evade capture, and possibly break the sound barrier. This is the most important factor when picking a getaway car – the need for speed.

Should the authorities apprehend you, your vehicle will likely be impounded and possibly sold to cover expenses related to chasing you; so why not have a car that can yield a high return? That’s just socially responsible. With those considerations laid bare, here are the best getaway cars, in no particular order, for your next heist.

ASCARI - ascari-a10-sports-car

Ascari A10 – While not the fastest, this can clock in at 220 mph, going from 0-60 in 2.8 seconds, with 625 horses and only $650,000.

ASTON MARTIN - Aston_Martin_ONE_77_by_jonsibal

Aston Martin One-77 can move as quickly as 220 mph, and is available at the non-recession price of almost 2M. Hmm, if I could afford this, I probably wouldn’t be pulling off a heist atall. Thank you Jonsibal.com for that lovely photo.

BUGATTI - Veyron-Super-Sport-Blue-Carbon-1

The Bugatti Veyron Super Sport – alas, a girls TRUE best friend (diamonds, my arse!) This is my personal favourite, and naturally the most expensive at the non-recession price in excess of 2.4M. It is THE FASTEST, clocking in at 267 mph, going from 0-60 in 2.4 seconds with 1,200 diligent horses. This one is sure to make any heist more enjoyable.

LAMBORGHINI - hd_lamborghini_aventador-wide

Lamborghini Aventador – named after a bull, yeah? Alright, well, its certainly a slower getaway vehicle, but definitely a quicker ride than that tricycle you’ve been considering. At 220 mph, you can still escape determined police authorities if needful, and in the recession price range of a little more than a quarter of a million, it’s the most practical choice for those on a budget.

PAGANI - pagani-huayra

Named after a fictional wind character, this Pagani Huayra comes with only 720 horses at a steep price in excess of 1M. Not the most economical, but still a contender for getting away in as little as 3 seconds.

GUMBERT APOLLO

The Gumpert Apollo is a curious selection for a getaway vehicle as it can – albeit allegedly – drive UPSIDE DOWN in a tunnel if driven over 190 mph. The top clock is 223 mph, so you’d have to be driving at maximum speed to float like a butterfly in this car. I’d like to see this demonstrated first before I put any scrilla down. Otherwise, I’d be back at the Bugatti counter.

What are you waiting for? Turn the key and take off! I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen

F_UK

Global News Weekly Roundup – 3 August 2013

Well top of the afternoon to you lovely bastards! Now that the Royal Crumb-snatcher has landed, we are free to resume our maliciously delicious lives. And how malicious it has been! It seems that when Sunny is away the trolls will play. Over the past weekend my beloved Twitter had a minor-major disruption when a journalist fed the trolls – something we’ve been warned to never, ever do. Let’s get right into it, shall we?

Monday

Internet Troll

Don’t Feed the Trolls – They’re Only 12

A Manchester troll has been arrested for the extreme trolling of journalist Caroline Criado-Perez.  The motive – Criado-Perez’s recent success in getting Jane Austen’s image on a banknote, something I’m sure most people were not even giving attention to – not that rolls need a motive.

This particular incident of trolling was peculiarly extreme, even for Twitter, resulting in the subsequent detention of at least two trolls.

Report Trolling

While the widely accepted home remedy for online trolls is ‘feed-a-fever & starve-a-troll’, Criado-Perez took a left turn and stared down the numerous trolls head on with the hashtag #Shoutingback.  The outcome, however, was remarkable in that a troll was actually arrested.

#Shoutingback has also yielded thousands of signatures on a petition requesting a “report abuse” button on Twitter as well as Twitter-cott on August 4th.

The sad truth is you cannot simply rid the world of trolls. If an account is suspended, one can merely create a new one within minutes. Section 14 of the Rules of the Internet states: “If you argue with a troll, they win.” The choice is up to you. Well played, Ms. Criado-Perez, well bloody played.

Troll Spray

On the other end of the spectrum, older trolls are said to be unhappy with the modern direction trolling has taken, citing old school trolling was more based in snarky sarcasm, but current trolling has become rooted in abuse; sounds like a discourse on “rap” vs “hip hop”.

F_Scotland

Will Voters Keep Scotland in the UK? Definitely Maybe

A recent Panelbase survey indicated that while support for Scottish independence from the UK increased, union support outnumbers independence support by as much as 11%.  However, rampant speculation suggests that pro-indie supporters will outnumber pro-unis at next year’s polls. This speculation suggests that pro-unis will become complacent and overconfident that they will win in the year ahead. The possibility still remains that undecideds may lean towards independence, tilting the scales for the realization of an independent Scotland.

In an effort to increase the pro-indie numbers and turnout, undecideds have been urged by SNP to watch Braveheart every weekend until their vote is needed next September.

F_Jamaica

Elections for a New World Boss Halted as Kartel Releases Statement

Also over the weekend, skin-bleaching ambassador and currently incarcerated reggae dancehall artist Adidja Palmer, who performs under the moniker Vybz Kartel, recently released a statement following a dismissal of one of his murder charges.  In it he maintained gratitude to those who have supported his claim of innocence,  and denounced fellow artists and former protégés Andre “Popcorn” Sutherland and Leroy “Tommy Lee Sparta” Russell as ‘shameless traitors’ with ‘spiraling careers’.

In the race for a new world boss, Popcorn was primed for the position as Tommy Lee continues to fall behind in the polls following a recent meeting of his constituency in Trinidad where only 3 people were in attendance.

Popcorn - They All Fall Down

Tommy Lee, often referred to as Grey Goose for his fading complexion, is reported to have responded to Kartel’s renunciation stating, “I’ve always been loyal.”

Tommy Lee says I've always been loyal

Tuesday

F_US2

Red-headed Reporter Learns Rules of TMI

Another reporter has bitten the dust. Former WAAY correspondent Shea Allen was relieved of her duties at the Alabama station following the release of a personal blog post, Confessions of a Redheaded Reporter, which subsequently has been voted Cutest Blog on the Block. PPfftt.

In the post, the apparently perky-bosomed, elder-phobic mail thief confessed to violating the news reporter’s cardinal rule: Thou Shalt Not Sleep on the Job when she posted that she had “taken naps in the news car.” Just ask any #Royalbabywatch reporter – that is a definite “nyet nyet.”  It is, most likely, for this reason above all others that the crimson-haired maven was asked never to return to her post.

F_Zimbabwe

Mugabe to Retain Kung-fu Grip on Zimbabwe

President Robert Mugabe expects to continue running the African country with an iron grip, but opponents say he can barely run his own bath let alone an entire country.

Mugabe, who is hundreds of years old, has been widely known to employ tactics such as violence and intimidation via surrogates to get what he wants within the nation, including the presidential seat; supporters of the opposition party are hopeful that this election would be a clarion call to Mugabe and his team that the country will no longer support his corruption in politics.

After a recent visit with US President Barack Obama, Mugabe castigated his American counterpart over his support of same-sex marriages. Obama is said to have wished Mugabe luck in the upcoming elections and urged Zimbabwe to accept same-sex unions should they desire to continue to receive aid.

Following the tense meeting between the two leaders, sources close to the Obama Administration confirm there has been no further attempt at dialogue by President Obama citing, “F#^% it. Zimbabwe has no oil anyway.”

Wednesday

F_Russia

Russia Refuses to Let Freak-flag Fly

Vitaly Milonov’s legislative baby has grown into a successfully instituted ban on public displays of “non-traditional” affection. The ban, said to be aimed at homosexuals, includes steep fines and jail time if violated. Milonov recently told news reporters that the ban will be active during next year’s Winter Olympics being held in Sochi and will be applied evenly to locals and foreign visitors alike.

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is said to be concerned over the safety of homosexual fans and athletes’ stay while in Russia. Sources close to the matter report that the IOC has reportedly been urging athletes and spectators to travel with closets in the event they need to “go back in” because, “Putin don’t play that.”

In response to the ban, many foreign nationals have participated in a boycott of Russia’s most popular morning beverages, Stolichnaya and Russian Standard. Russian officials seem un-bothered by the recent boycott efforts stating, “There are three things we all know Americans cannot live without: food, coffee, and vodka.”

F_France

For Strauss-Khan, Its Just Pimpin Pimpin

The aging former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Khan will now face trial on “aggravated pimping” charges related to a Lille hotel prostitution ring.  The embattled Strauss-Khan said he was at a party with the women, but didn’t know they were prostitutes.  Strauss-Khan was overheard telling his lawyers, “I had no idea they were prostitutes.  Why is it not natural to assume they would have sex with me for free? I’m Dominique Strauss-Khan after all.”

Investigators are said to have found copies of American comedian Katt Williams’ The Pimp Chronicles and Its Pimpin Pimpin among Strauss-Khan’s belongings following the arrest.  A police aid close to the case said it looked as though Strauss-Khan was “trying to improve his pimp game.”

Strauss-Khan faces ten years in prison.

F_Greece

For Greece’s Elite, Membership Had Its Privileges

Greece’s top earning residents are said to be in a panic following a government plan that would end the benefit of free dedicated police protection. The move was done in an effort to appease bailout creditors and meet budget targets for the cash-strapped nation.

While paying for dedicated police services would reduce the nation’s debt, ease the country’s economic burden, and potentially add to Greece’s coffers, some of Greece’s elite who earn well above the €100,000 benchmark claim the pay-for-protection scheme would leave them vulnerable to attack and could potentially become a slippery slope. “First, we’ll pay for our own protection. Next, we’ll have to pay taxes. Where does it end?”

Thursday

Old School v New School Technology

Why You May Want to Return to TVs with Rabbit-ear Antennas

Recent reports about Samsung’s newly repaired flaws found by iSEC Partners didn’t leave a good taste in hackers’ mouths, but left them feeling hopeful that they could soon resume making consumers’ lives uneasy by spying on them, invading their privacy, and potentially stealing their information.

Prior to the repairs, hackers were able to turn on the TV’s camera remotely and reroute a user to various malicious websites. Now they’ll have to explore other ways to exploit software glitches in so-called ‘smart devices’ that boast internet connectivity with little to no security.

A hacker’s dream: “If there’s a vulnerability in any application, there’s a vulnerability in the entire TV,” said iSEC analyst Aaron Grattafiori.

Rabbit ears and foil, anyone?

Geisha Facial

Geisha Facial My Arse – That’s Birdshit!

Dried nightingale excrement + water + rice bran = the latest beauty craze that is sweeping across women’s faces everywhere.  Hailed as a beauty treatment that exfoliates and removes dirt and impurities, upscale spas are seeing an uptick in what has been coined the ‘Geisha Facial.’ The benefits of such facials are said to rejuvenate tired skin, leaving a glowing complexion for the client. While many have taken to the celebrity treatments, some modern women remain skeptical.  One patron of a swanky spa offering the facial told us, “Calling it poop makes it sound dainty. At almost $200 per treatment, let’s call it what it is – birdshit.”

#SoapandWater

Friday

F_Barbados

Revelers Beware, Police Enforcing Mystery Law

Well its Crop Over season and locals and foreign attendees shouldn’t expect anything less than stage-5 reveling.  However, patrons should be warned that the Royal Barbados Police Force is prepared to make examples out of anyone who plans to ‘bandjump.’

The law in place against band encroachment can yield a hefty fine or 6-month imprisonment to anyone found guilty of violating it.

Inspector Bruce Rowe admits, in an effort to let masqueraders “revel in peace,” he and his men are seeking out those who are ‘riding dirty.’

F_Syria

In other news, Syrian Muslims are dealing with effects of life without the benefit of croissants.  The tasty pastries have fallen under a recent ruling by Sheikh Abu Mohammed of the Islamic court Hai’aa al-Sharia as forbidden, or haram.  The recent fatwa, citing “colonial oppression,” pointed to the crescent shape as being a celebratory representative of European victory over Muslims. One onlooker responded, “This is what happens when you can’t eat bacon – you just get cranky.”

No mean parents

An incredible story comes from the States – albeit unconfirmed – of a father teaching his 7 year old son a lesson about lying.

Dad and son went to the store. Dad told son he could pick out 8 gifts for his upcoming 8th birthday party. As the dad and son reached the counter to check out, the purchase came to several hundred dollars. The dad looked at the cashier and said:

‘I hate to do this to you, but I’m not buying any of these items. I told my son he could pick out gifts for his birthday, but I lied to him to teach him a lesson about lying to me and his mom. Now he knows how it feels. Do you want me to put these things back for you?’

No Way

The young lad is reported to have filed for emancipation from his parents.

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!  Be sure to check out Toronto Carnival’s Grand Parade or Vienna’s Rathausplatz Festival activities and events. And do tell about it – I’ll have to live vicariously through you all until my probation matter has been sorted out by Her Majesty, or until I can become disconnected from this bloody ankle monitor.

And remember darlings, Kate’s baby is just an heir; he’s not the Messiah. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK

Mid-week Mashup: Just Make Me Laugh – Online Funnies

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:

Just Make Me Laugh

Since the advent of the internet a few years ago, our world has become smaller, and as such we have been able to share things with each other that we weren’t able to just a few years back.  Most of you who goof off at work all day know what I’m talking about. The internet has allowed us to see what goes on in other people’s backyards, taught us how to apply makeup, how to play guitar chords like the pros, and even how to twerk.

When I’m online, I mainly am looking for medicinal laughter, the kind of laughter that can lift you out of a momentary funk within minutes of visual application.

These are the top 6 things that have made me and my cronies laugh out loud while we surf the internet (in no particular order).

Tutorials

At times, I search out what products to use on my hair to achieve certain modern and stylish looks. Never did I think to look for products I should not use on my hair, but this tutorial sums up what not to do when trying to look like that lass on the magazine cover.

News Segments

As a news reporter, I appreciate a good segment that is professionally done, even if its simply about road conditions. This sky-report is one of them.

Classic Soap Operas

Sometimes I just want to space out while the telly is on and watch serials from days gone by like As the Stomach Turns.

Silent Films

There are moments when the chattering heads of journalists leaves me wanting silence, at the same time wanting a good film. So what’s a good alternative for a housebound gal? A good silent film.

Dating Tips

Being single in a coupled-up world can be daunting when you too are trying to locate your bloody lobster. I’m always wondering what my male counterparts do to attract that special someone.

Hmm, perhaps they should try one of those services?

Cultural Politics

This next video was informative in demonstrating how culture plays a role in political responses. What if “too cool for school” American President Barack Obama was a short-tempered Jamaican? Would the US have gone to war again? Perhaps George Bush has Jamaican roots – out of many, one people.

You see that button…in the upper right corner? The “x”, click it and go back to work. I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Will the Scots leave the UK? Will Nicki Minaj accept DJ Khaled’s proposal? #YMCBWeddingWatch

Stay tuned – Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen

F_UK