Global News Weekly Roundup – 14 Septiembre 2013

AmericanExceptionalism

Well, the toast of the town and the post of the week awards appear to go to the man with the stone expression Vladimir Putin. With 24-hour news channels, 3G, 4G, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, et al, Vlad writes a post in a New York periodical due to “insufficient communication” between the societies. Could he have not just picked up the phone?

In perusing the piece, I agreed on some points, was perplexed by some, and amused by some. I agree that a US strike against Syria would result in more violence, not less. Putin’s announcement that Russia was not protecting the Syrian government, but rather the laws of the lands made me chuckle as we all know there exists a sort of brotherhood between he and Assad, and perhaps rightfully so as they are terribly close in proximity. What affects one will undoubtedly affect the other.

Can one argue the suggestion of exceptionalism in America, who has long suffered from egocentrism and at times arrogance serving as the world’s self-appointed police officer flitting about the world trying to colonise territories with histories, traditions, and religions that run counter to the American concept of democracy all in the name of oil freedom? Are Americans really satisfied with their involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq? But you can’t go by me; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Early Grey Goose tea.

Top of the evening to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

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F_International

Jamaican Bad Apples Spoiling the Whole Bunch in Barbados, Drug Mules Creating Division Between Islands

If you are a Jamaican national attempting to gain entry into Barbados with a Jamaican passport and you get this look from customs officials,

Stink Eye

don’t take it personally. Blame it instead on your fellow Jamaican travelers.

Apparently Jamaicans smuggle so much weed onto the popular Caribbean island, they need their own resident lawyer. Jamaican native Jaydene Thomas, who currently practices law in Barbados, has grown weary with her post of pleading cases for Jamaican smugglers and mules on what she says has become a weekly basis.  Following her work with a young, pregnant mule who ingested drugs, Thomas says that fellow Jamaicans who utilize the court’s frequent flyer program add to the negative view about Jamaicans and result in non-smuggling Jamaicans being denied entry – over 1,400 were denied entry in the last 5 years – or gaining entry, but being subjected to less than sociable treatment by officials.

Seemingly Jamaicans are very persistent entrepreneurs who are simply trying to fill an obvious demand that originates within Barbados’ borders. Apparently there is no ganja growing in Barbados, and Jamaicans have merely stepped in to fill the void.

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F_Canada

NSA Sends CSEC Floral Bouquet, Thankful for Decryption Capabilities

We all know by now that the NSA is spying on everyone in the universe and that blocking their attempts seems almost futile unless you have certain handy tips outlined in my July 13 post.  However, that has changed with the entrance of Canada’s Communications Security Establishment (CSEC) into the open cadre of super-spies alongside the likes of the International Man of Mystery, England’s finest.

International Man of Mystery

CSEC enabled NSA to decrypt data that you worked so hard to encrypt. All that porn, those photos you thought disappeared on Snapchat, the shipment of cocaine you’ve been plotting, all your money laundering, and all that international espionage you’ve been busying yourself with between naps is all laid bare before Big Brother – and all it took was a little ‘finessing.’ The reality of the situation is that CSEC released control of the standards process to NSA actually hoping the news would leak in an effort to distract Canadians from noticing they are actively being watched by CSEC sans warrants either directly or through its consortium of spies inclusive of the US, UK, Australia, and New Zealand better known by their mafia name – the Five Eyes. Yes, thank you CSEC, thank you.

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F_Japan

Japan Pissed at Being France’s Newest Victim of Cartoon Cruelty

Japan’s Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga is crying foul over an unflattering animation in French publication Le Canard Enchaine that portrayed the ill-effects of the Fukushima nuclear meltdown – skinny, mutated sumo wrestlers – in honour of Japan’s win to host the 2020 Olympics.

French Fukushima Sumo Cartoon

After almost 3 years, tens of thousands of residents still have not been able to return to their homes due to the nuclear disaster that struck the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Radioactive waste is said to still be seeping into the nearby grounds. While Prime Minister Shinzo Abe assured the International Olympic Committee that he and his team had the situation “under control,” Suga reportedly told BBC, “This kind of journalism gives the wrong impression about the waste water problem.”

We agree.  Just ask the 3-eyed fish growing pubic hair in the waters nearby.

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F_China

China Continues Spending Spree, Puts $16M Deposit Down on Barbados

Cheapside Market, Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, and the Wildey Gymnasium have been held up as shining examples of the economic progress and improvements Barbados’ residents have enjoyed as a result of partnership between the island and the People’s Republic of China. Construction and infrastructure development throughout the island has been done through Chinese grants and interest-free loans. But we all know that while the loans are interest free, nothing is really free when money is attached.

china buys

China has been placing holding deposits all over the globe with down payments made in Nigeria, Barbados, parts of the US, and more recently, Jamaica’s Goat Island.  Forget learning Spanish in school, we recommend learning Mandarin.

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F_Germany

Things White Nuts Say, Germany’s Petty Colour Problems

Its election time in Germany and almost all eyes are fixed on Merkel, who has suffered a recent dip in polls while challenger Steinbrück is quietly creeping upwards. An ad firm employed by the Italian company responsible for Ferrero Rochers, you know, those little hazelnut candies with the chocolate filling that come in gold wrapped balls, took ad-vantage of election season and used it as a theme in a commercial for Ferrero Kusschen.

Yes, a big-ass talking chocolate box at an election rally heralding, “We want white Ferrero Küsschen forever.”  Enthusiasts hold placards reading, “Yes Weiss Can”, meaning Yes White Can, “Weiss Nuss Bleiben” meaning White Nuts Stay, and “Germany Votes White.” Critics’ complaints that the advert is racist and xenophobic resulted in Ferrero preemptively removing the ad in lieu of waiting for consumers to weigh in.

Ferrero insists they were talking about chocolate, not people. Of course they were talking about chocolates; there aren’t any other voting options in Germany other than white as Karamba Diaby is still being primed.

I mean, adverts can’t be racist, can they? Take for instance this one,

Ferrero-Kusschen_2658569bor this one,

dunkin-donuts-racist-ad

or this one,

Brazilian Chocolate Cigarettes

or this one,

Hip Hop Cupcakes

or this one,

racist_poster

or…

rastus

No. Adverts can’t be racist, that’s pure rubbish.

Do you think the Ferrero Kusschen advert is subtly xenophobic as critics claim? Chat back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, keep calm and carry on.

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Burkini at Play

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In other news, though summer season is winding down, the Burkini (and Veilkini) continues to make splashes in some German communities following a ruling by a German court requiring a young lass to take part in school swimming lessons. While some of her Muslim classmates are already wearing the modest swim attire, the stellar student’s Moroccan parents argued the lessons run counter to their faith practices and principles of modesty. The 13 year old wants to swim, but separate from boys as she says Islam prohibits her from wearing a swimsuit in the presence of males, and seeing males topless.

The burkini, seen below, has previously been modeled by our very own Nigella Lawson. I personally celebrate modest apparel, but I don’t think I could pull this off, do you?

 

Burkini - Muslim Swimwear

 

 

A. Full Coverage – Can’t Touch This

A. Full Coverage – Can’t Touch This

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B. Peekaboo Tankini – You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch

B. Peekaboo Tankini – You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C.  ‘I had an unfortunate incident with a piranha’

C. ‘I had an unfortunate incident with a piranha’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

D. Just Some String from the Craft Store

D. Just Some String from the Craft Store

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Agostea

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elsewhere, German nightclubs have fallen under the watchful eye of the keepers of political correctness for what some are calling racist door policies after a local student of Kurdish descent filed a lawsuit because he was denied entry to top hotspot Agostea.

A judge awarded the student €1K as a result of Agostea’s infraction, violating the 2006 General Equal Treatment Law.

A bouncer on duty the night of the alleged incident reportedly told the well-coiffed plaintiff that, “The boss doesn’t want foreigners to come in.”

My outrage at this incident should be obvious.

Did your boss tell you to tell ‘foreigners’ he didn’t want them to come in, dumbass?

That’s akin to a kid answering a ringing home phone and the parent instructing them to tell the person on the other end that the parent is not at home. The kid answers and politely tells the caller, ‘Mi mum said to tell you she’s not here.’

Honestly, I’m not defending ‘racist’ door policies, but many of us know that nightclubs sell exclusivity when they are building their brand by setting atmosphere in their venues. Usually this is achieved by only letting ‘pretty people’ inside, you know, the skinny, shiny, happy, rich-looking people. Would the student in question have upset the atmosphere at Agostea? Dunno, perhaps; perhaps not, but the mere fact that one can sue an establishment and be awarded this amount of skrilla makes all nightclubs vulnerable and soon they could be closing their doors completely. A racist door policy is hard to prove under the current nightclub theme of exclusivity, except in cases of racist bouncers revealing their boss’ racist policies. Similar cases are pending in 5 other regions.

A lawyer for the club is said to be appealing the ruling as he has footage from inside the club that shows while it wasn’t a total blackout, it wasn’t just a white party either.

Perhaps we should all take a page out of Peer Steinbrück’s book and start our own clubs.

picture-alliance/dpa/Alfred Steffen/SZ-Magazin

Have you been to Agostea? What’s the real deal? Enquiring minds want to know.

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Church of Scotland

Church of Scotland Considering Banning Heterosexual Weddings

Despite blessed assurances by the Scottish government regarding protections for religious bodies not amenable to conducting homosexual wedding ceremonies, the Church of Scotland has made alternate arrangements.

In a preemptive strike against potential litigation involving its ministers who would be refusing to officiate homosexual wedding ceremonies, the CoS is considering ceasing officiating all weddings, both hetero- and homosexual alike citing, ‘if we discriminate against everyone, then its fair.’

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That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – HIDEY HO! And remember darlings, when the question is ‘why?’ the answer is always ‘money.’

Enjoy the weekend, and this video from Slinger “Mighty Sparrow” Francisco who IS NOT DEAD, but remains in serious condition in a NY hospital.

#GodSaveTheQueen

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Global News Weekly Roundup – 7 September 2013

I sit, I ponder breakfast and underwear choices, and therefore, I am.

I think Her Majesty has poisoned me as I quiver to overcome another round of physical ailments, this one in the form of Verti Go-go, limiting my ability to report on the news, and again missing this week’s version of Mid-week Mash-ups. Me thinks she’s still feeling particularly affronted by the Wickedest Dub steps Edition; I’ve got a cure for that – MORE DUBSTEP, at a time of my own choosing.

But enough about me; where are my manners?

Bottom of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

Official BOS Header Image

G20 2013

 

 

G20 Summit: Boys Behaving Badly

While the top 20 world powers gathered to discuss trade and economic issues, the G20 quickly devolved into a schoolyard war of words over Syria, who has become the hot girl all the hypermachismos are fighting over. Putin, Obama, Cameron and Kerry have all taken center stage.

It ended up being China, Russia, and the Pope vs America and England with the former stating, ‘There is no military solution to current Syrian atrocities’ which is code for ‘You are going to eff up oil prices for everyone if you go in there.’

German Chancellor Angela Merkel remains skeptical that Putin and Obama can meet on middle ground. Meanwhile, our very own and splendid David Cameron was merely being goaded into action by a Putin spokesman who stated, “Britain is a small island – nobody pays any attention to them apart from the Russian oligarchs who have bought up Chelsea” to which Cameron replied, “Very interesting. With the greatest respect, I hear what you’re saying.”  Translated, that means ‘That’s clearly nonsense. You’re an idiot, and I shan’t discuss this any further.’

Cameron was also quick to point out that the ‘small island’ has colonized the entire universe and would do so again if Putin continued to ‘pop off at the mouth.’

While the elephants play, the grass continues to get trampled.

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F_China

 

 

 

 

China’s ‘Brother Watch’ Does Time for Corruption

Shaanxi’s former work safety director Yang Dacai, widely known for his penchant for expensive timepieces, has been sentenced to 14 years imprisonment following a daylong trial in which he was found guilty of accepting bribes to the tune of ¥250K. He also had property valued at over ¥5M that clearly could not have been covered by his modest salary.

The trial came on the heels of the ruling Communist Party’s Discipline Inspection Commission’s investigation, which found Dacai guilty of inappropriate ‘smiling face’ behaviour’.  Inappropriate smiling is considered a grievous offense as it resulted in Dacai being relieved of his duties.

Onlookers are said to be shocked at the outcome as corruption is almost unheard of in the region.

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kkknaacp

 

 

 

 

 

 

Non-historic Alphabet Meeting Takes Place as KKK Meets with NAACP

NAACP President Ben Jealous has reportedly had his share of headaches since taking the helm of the oldest civil rights organization in America, but Casper, Wyoming Chapter President Jimmy Simmons seemed to be the prince of all headaches when he decided to have a fireside chat with the neighbouring Klu Klux Klan.

In response to a series of recent assaults on black men – who all were with white women at the time – Simmons invited the United Klans of America (UKA) organizer, John Abarr, to meet with him. Simmons’ group reportedly wanted to be assured that his constituents would be free to date white women openly without fear of retribution by the KKK.

Both Democratic groups met under heavy security in the tiny town behind locked doors to discuss, among other things, the assaults. However, the meeting did little to advance any common ground between the two as Abarr, who ranks as a kleagle (not to be confused with kegel) seemed to eschew the violent history of his organization. This is seen by many as unfortunate as so many virtuous things come in black and white:

 

Brownie and Ice cream

 

 

 

 

Brownies & Vanilla Ice Cream

 

 

 

Piano Keys

 

 

 

 

Beautifully tickled piano keys

 

 

 

 

Cows on Broadway

 

 

 

Performing cows

 

 

 

 

enicats

 

 

 

 

Kitty cats

 

 

 

 

Heidi & Seal

 

 

 

Seal & Heidi, wait, no, um…nevermind.

 

 

 

The meeting ended with Abarr completing a membership application to join the NAACP inclusive of $30 application fee and an additional $20 donation to the organization.

Sources close to the situation state that Simmons was reportedly miffed that Abarr did not extend the olive branch of Klan membership to him in return. Abarr is said to have responded that enrollment is open to those who ‘look/are white,’ adding that Ben Jealous would be eligible to join the UKA.

The historic meeting is also said to be the subject of an upcoming TV movie starring American comedians Will Ferrell and Katt Williams.

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F_Nigeria

 

 

 

 

‘No Afro’ Zone, Covenant University Implements Puritan Dress Code

In an effort to reduce student enrollments and agitate fashionistas, Covenant University, located in Nigeria’s Ota, Ogun State, has employed a revised dress code which expressly forbids, among other things, jeans, shoes with high heels, and short skirts, and by short they mean anything that is above mid-calf in length as seen here:

Covenant University New Dress Code

Also forbidden is “afro-looking or bushy hair,” and females desiring to wear traditional Nigerian attire may do so outside of lecture and examination halls.

The new rules have an impact on male students as well. Jewelry, beards, and tattoos are all strictly prohibited. If prospective students have tattoos, they must declare them upon admission.

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F_UK

 

 

 

 

Reach Out and Dutch Someone? Woman Walks Out on Bill without Paying Fair Share, Date Holds BB as Ransom

When Fakhara Sultana met her Zoosk date for drinks, she so believed in chivalry that she allegedly left the house without any money in her purse.

When Kishore Nimmala met his Zoosk date for drinks, he believed in feminism and gender equality.

Unfortunately, the two were meeting each other, and even the stars knew this evening would not end well.

The date has ended, but the resulting criminal trial remains ongoing as Nimmala has been charged with theft for reportedly taking Sultana’s phone and holding it for ransom for not paying her fair share of the £54 pound bar tab they ran up together.

Who leaves the house for a date without any cash?? Do you? Chat-back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, no pressure.

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F_Japan

 

 

 

 

Japan Fights Internet Addiction by Hosting Concentration Camps

Japan’s Education Ministry has introduced what they are calling ‘internet fasting camps’ in an effort to get its youth to unplug and join the real world. Over 500K students are said to be at risk of problems such as declining grades, cyberstalking and slut-shaming. Students, however, are reported to prefer texting to talking in person and playing internet version of games than those same games with another individual in a face to face setting.

The camps are said to be in operation by next year.

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F_Brasil

 

 

 

 

 

Textos Prohibidos, Is it that Serious?

If you didn’t catch that, Adriana Andrade tried to keep her boyfriend from reading her text messages, but he was so persistent that the only way she could be successful was to swallow her cellphone. Yes, you read that right, and no, we didn’t make that up – we didn’t have to!

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!

As a reminder and public service announcement, please stay focused on the road while driving. Distracted driving is taking far too many lives needlessly. Remember, no talking, no texting, no sexing, no eating/drinking, no applying make-up, and no breast-feeding.

Mother-arrested-China-breastfeeding-baby-driving-mopedjpeg-2254995

STAY FOCUSED ON THE ROADWAY.

Be sure to check out Payday, a Barbadian comedy-drama/buddy film showcasing a raw slice of Barbadian community life.

And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

F_UK