Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Fortnight, Good Morrow lovelies! What a deliciously malicious week in the news! Speaking of malicious, Vladimir Putin seems to be falling out of everyone’s good graces at an alarming rate, starting with Barack Obama and Stephen Fry, yet he doesn’t seem terribly bothered. Her Majesty hasn’t been terribly bothered with me either. She’s been so preoccupied with Georgie Porgie that she has not been the least bit bothered by my burglary case. While I’ve been trying to prove my innocence, I’ve been watching the world’s headlines. They’re rather corrupt and a bit more maddening than usual. Wouldn’t you agree?
Sit back, share a morning cup of Earl Grey Goose tea with me, and catch up on the week in curious news.
Mugabe Touts Efficacy of Corruption, Says Ends Justify Means
“Do you think anybody would vote for me because I have a pretty smile and stylish wardrobe? Voters need to be compelled.”
Reigning king of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has been re-crowned in recent elections, though the opposition is crying foul, seeking redress from the courts.
Movement for Democratic Change has accused Mugabe and Zanu-PF of duplicating thousands of voter names and turning away opposition voters, among other fraudulent practices. They are calling for a new election by the end of this calendar year.
Mugabe was reportedly overheard saying, “There is no such thing as an honest government or election. If you want honesty/truth in government, you have to wait til you die and go to heaven, this is Africa!”
Peek-a-boo, We Hear You! Jamaica’s Covert Spying Operations Uncovered
Jamaican police and military forces have joined the ranks of other national governments who spy on its citizens as several agencies were found tapping the phones of its residents. When quizzed on their covert operations, authorities declined to comment on specifics like who was being spied on, how long they had been spying, and exactly what data they had gathered. However, they claimed that spying is done to preserve the island’s national security. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, reminded residents that personal privacy was a thing of the past that could no longer be guaranteed as a 7-year old amendment to the Interception of Communications Act allows them to spy on its citizens for a full week sans warrant from the court.
Here’s what some locals had to say:
Thank you Gleaner for that lovely footage. #GovtTooNuff
Chris Brown to Leave Music for Boxing Career
Condolences are in order for members of #TeamBreezy as the R&B musician, and friend of Twitter, announced to Mainstream America – you know who you are – his tentative retirement from the music industry. Citing “infamy fatigue” and constant comparisons to the late Ike Turner, Brown conceded there is never a right time to Say Goodbye, but decided it was in his best interest to “chuck up the Deuces.”
Could this be a publicity ploy for his forthcoming album, X, or is he serious? No one knows for certain, but sources close to the embattled singer say he is considering boxing or MMA fighting as his next career move. “No doubt he’s a good fighter.” #FloatLikeaButterflyStingLikeaB
Cyber Safety Act to Enforce Online Manners
Cyber-bullies are distressed over new Nova Scotia legislation that allows victims of bullying to sue; if the bully is a minor, the parents would become liable. If the bullying happens at school, the principal may become liable.
The new Cyber Safety Act loosely defines cyber bullying as any electronic communication that is reasonably expected to humiliate another person, or harm their “self-esteem…”
A conscientious observer noted,
Opponents of the law suggest this is a slippery slope due to the open interpretation of bullying that will be left to the victim. “Offense is taken, not given,” cited one cyber-bully. They’re arresting trolls now they want to sue bullies – what’s next, a law against ‘being mean?’
During Jamaica’s recent Grand Gala event, held to celebrate their 51st year of independence from the monarchy, reggae performer, daughter of Ska legend Derrick Morgan, and devout Rastafarian Ventrice “Queen Ifrica” Morgan (nee Fyah Muma) took some of her performance time to plead with the nation’s prime minister not to repeal the current buggery (anti-sodomy) laws.
Ruffling Doctor Bird feathers seemed to be her intention as she spoke out against homosexuality and skin bleaching, and in favour of legalizing marijuana. In a move similar to popular dancehall artist Rodney “Bounty Killer” Price’s at a children’s fundraiser several years ago, Ifrica traded cheers for awkward silence when she verbally opposed Jamaica’s following what she called ‘international trends decriminalizing homosexuality.’ J-Flag is calling for the government to penalize artists’ use of indecent language, discriminatory rhetoric and the incitement of violence.
Ifrica said she was merely exercising her right to free speech.
Oh Yes She Did! – Emma Roberts Crashes Donut Line
*Disclaimer: We are not kind to celebs who think their status gives them preeminence above the rest of us. If this offends you, we’re sorry, and by ‘we’re sorry’ we mean, ‘you’ll get over it.’*
American actress Emma Roberts and her publicist were turned away when they attempted to reassign themselves from number 12,471 in a donut line to position number 2.
Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and niece of actress Julia Roberts, was at the tail end of a block-long line for the Gucci donuts when she decided, ‘I’m Emma Roberts bitches!’ and dragged her publicist to the entry way where a doorman sent them on their way. (Imagine, a donut shop so hip it has a doorman/bouncer, ah those New Yorkers!) She ended up leaving the line of young hipsters incessantly masturbating their iGadgets attempting to appear cool, hip, and edgy shortly after. The doorman admitted he was afraid of Roberts due to her recent arrest history for domestic battery, but was overheard saying, “I had a duty to protect and serve our donuts. They’re expensive y’know!”
Oprah Winfrey’s Swiss Diss
Once again, simple people have taken liberties with American TV personality and billionaire Oprah Winfrey, this time in Switzerland.
In town for singer Tina Turner’s nuptials, Oprah decided to go shopping sans entourage at one of those shicky micky boutiques – Trois Pommes. Upon asking to see a 35K Franc crocodile handbag – the appropriate thing to do with a nasty croc, make a bloody bag out of it – the sales attendant allegedly replied, “No. That’s too expensive. I’ll show you this one.” The store’s head, Trudy Goetz, said the employee did nothing wrong in being “too kind,” looking out for the financial resources of its potential clientele in these tough economic times.
While Goetz said no disciplinary action would be taken against the employee, the offending sales associate is reportedly being remanded to basic sales training 101 where she would relearn the art of actually selling expensive merchandise, not keeping it around as store decor.
Don-Dawn-Don, Transgender Wants to Be Man Again
He thought he was a woman trapped in a man’s body, but little did he know there was a man trapped inside the woman who was trapped inside that one body.
One fair day, Don Ennis announced to his wife that he was transgender and becoming a woman to be called Dawn. When “Dawn” fell into a weekend coma only to reawaken with breasts he did not remember acquiring, she decided she wanted to live life as a male once more. Ennis blamed his gender confusion on his mother – of course – saying she had fed him estrogen as a child.
Sources close to the matter cite “Dawn’s” inability to find fashionable shoes that fit as the real reason s/he shifted back to being male, plus those dreadful cramps! It’s a good thing he kept the penis.
Beef Surprise for Dinner? The Surprise is THAT’S NOT BEEF
In an effort to meet an increased global demand for meat, a scientist has created a beef patty – in a laboratory.
The lab-grown burger, comprised of red beet juice, saffron, and cattle stem cells, took 5 years and $332K to produce – not a likely contender for fast food magnate McDonald’s whose burgers are cheaper and faster to make.
The mad Dutch scientist responsible for the petri-burger, Mark Post, anticipates his creation will become a ‘viable alternative to animal meat production’ in another 20 years. Meanwhile, veggie burgers will have to do.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM! Will I or won’t I get off of house arrest? Be sure to tune in next week to see if I’m free, or at least to check out what you missed in world news.
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen