Well, the toast of the town and the post of the week awards appear to go to the man with the stone expression Vladimir Putin. With 24-hour news channels, 3G, 4G, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, et al, Vlad writes a post in a New York periodical due to “insufficient communication” between the societies. Could he have not just picked up the phone?
In perusing the piece, I agreed on some points, was perplexed by some, and amused by some. I agree that a US strike against Syria would result in more violence, not less. Putin’s announcement that Russia was not protecting the Syrian government, but rather the laws of the lands made me chuckle as we all know there exists a sort of brotherhood between he and Assad, and perhaps rightfully so as they are terribly close in proximity. What affects one will undoubtedly affect the other.
Can one argue the suggestion of exceptionalism in America, who has long suffered from egocentrism and at times arrogance serving as the world’s self-appointed police officer flitting about the world trying to colonise territories with histories, traditions, and religions that run counter to the American concept of democracy all in the name of oil freedom? Are Americans really satisfied with their involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq? But you can’t go by me; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Early Grey Goose tea.
Top of the evening to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?
Jamaican Bad Apples Spoiling the Whole Bunch in Barbados, Drug Mules Creating Division Between Islands
If you are a Jamaican national attempting to gain entry into Barbados with a Jamaican passport and you get this look from customs officials,
don’t take it personally. Blame it instead on your fellow Jamaican travelers.
Apparently Jamaicans smuggle so much weed onto the popular Caribbean island, they need their own resident lawyer. Jamaican native Jaydene Thomas, who currently practices law in Barbados, has grown weary with her post of pleading cases for Jamaican smugglers and mules on what she says has become a weekly basis. Following her work with a young, pregnant mule who ingested drugs, Thomas says that fellow Jamaicans who utilize the court’s frequent flyer program add to the negative view about Jamaicans and result in non-smuggling Jamaicans being denied entry – over 1,400 were denied entry in the last 5 years – or gaining entry, but being subjected to less than sociable treatment by officials.
Seemingly Jamaicans are very persistent entrepreneurs who are simply trying to fill an obvious demand that originates within Barbados’ borders. Apparently there is no ganja growing in Barbados, and Jamaicans have merely stepped in to fill the void.
NSA Sends CSEC Floral Bouquet, Thankful for Decryption Capabilities
We all know by now that the NSA is spying on everyone in the universe and that blocking their attempts seems almost futile unless you have certain handy tips outlined in my July 13 post. However, that has changed with the entrance of Canada’s Communications Security Establishment (CSEC) into the open cadre of super-spies alongside the likes of the International Man of Mystery, England’s finest.
CSEC enabled NSA to decrypt data that you worked so hard to encrypt. All that porn, those photos you thought disappeared on Snapchat, the shipment of cocaine you’ve been plotting, all your money laundering, and all that international espionage you’ve been busying yourself with between naps is all laid bare before Big Brother – and all it took was a little ‘finessing.’ The reality of the situation is that CSEC released control of the standards process to NSA actually hoping the news would leak in an effort to distract Canadians from noticing they are actively being watched by CSEC sans warrants either directly or through its consortium of spies inclusive of the US, UK, Australia, and New Zealand better known by their mafia name – the Five Eyes. Yes, thank you CSEC, thank you.
Japan Pissed at Being France’s Newest Victim of Cartoon Cruelty
Japan’s Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga is crying foul over an unflattering animation in French publication Le Canard Enchaine that portrayed the ill-effects of the Fukushima nuclear meltdown – skinny, mutated sumo wrestlers – in honour of Japan’s win to host the 2020 Olympics.
After almost 3 years, tens of thousands of residents still have not been able to return to their homes due to the nuclear disaster that struck the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Radioactive waste is said to still be seeping into the nearby grounds. While Prime Minister Shinzo Abe assured the International Olympic Committee that he and his team had the situation “under control,” Suga reportedly told BBC, “This kind of journalism gives the wrong impression about the waste water problem.”
We agree. Just ask the 3-eyed fish growing pubic hair in the waters nearby.
China Continues Spending Spree, Puts $16M Deposit Down on Barbados
Cheapside Market, Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, and the Wildey Gymnasium have been held up as shining examples of the economic progress and improvements Barbados’ residents have enjoyed as a result of partnership between the island and the People’s Republic of China. Construction and infrastructure development throughout the island has been done through Chinese grants and interest-free loans. But we all know that while the loans are interest free, nothing is really free when money is attached.
China has been placing holding deposits all over the globe with down payments made in Nigeria, Barbados, parts of the US, and more recently, Jamaica’s Goat Island. Forget learning Spanish in school, we recommend learning Mandarin.
Things White Nuts Say, Germany’s Petty Colour Problems
Its election time in Germany and almost all eyes are fixed on Merkel, who has suffered a recent dip in polls while challenger Steinbrück is quietly creeping upwards. An ad firm employed by the Italian company responsible for Ferrero Rochers, you know, those little hazelnut candies with the chocolate filling that come in gold wrapped balls, took ad-vantage of election season and used it as a theme in a commercial for Ferrero Kusschen.
Yes, a big-ass talking chocolate box at an election rally heralding, “We want white Ferrero Küsschen forever.” Enthusiasts hold placards reading, “Yes Weiss Can”, meaning Yes White Can, “Weiss Nuss Bleiben” meaning White Nuts Stay, and “Germany Votes White.” Critics’ complaints that the advert is racist and xenophobic resulted in Ferrero preemptively removing the ad in lieu of waiting for consumers to weigh in.
Ferrero insists they were talking about chocolate, not people. Of course they were talking about chocolates; there aren’t any other voting options in Germany other than white as Karamba Diaby is still being primed.
I mean, adverts can’t be racist, can they? Take for instance this one,
or this one,
or this one,
or this one,
No. Adverts can’t be racist, that’s pure rubbish.
Do you think the Ferrero Kusschen advert is subtly xenophobic as critics claim? Chat back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, keep calm and carry on.
In other news, though summer season is winding down, the Burkini (and Veilkini) continues to make splashes in some German communities following a ruling by a German court requiring a young lass to take part in school swimming lessons. While some of her Muslim classmates are already wearing the modest swim attire, the stellar student’s Moroccan parents argued the lessons run counter to their faith practices and principles of modesty. The 13 year old wants to swim, but separate from boys as she says Islam prohibits her from wearing a swimsuit in the presence of males, and seeing males topless.
The burkini, seen below, has previously been modeled by our very own Nigella Lawson. I personally celebrate modest apparel, but I don’t think I could pull this off, do you?
Elsewhere, German nightclubs have fallen under the watchful eye of the keepers of political correctness for what some are calling racist door policies after a local student of Kurdish descent filed a lawsuit because he was denied entry to top hotspot Agostea.
A judge awarded the student €1K as a result of Agostea’s infraction, violating the 2006 General Equal Treatment Law.
A bouncer on duty the night of the alleged incident reportedly told the well-coiffed plaintiff that, “The boss doesn’t want foreigners to come in.”
My outrage at this incident should be obvious.
Did your boss tell you to tell ‘foreigners’ he didn’t want them to come in, dumbass?
That’s akin to a kid answering a ringing home phone and the parent instructing them to tell the person on the other end that the parent is not at home. The kid answers and politely tells the caller, ‘Mi mum said to tell you she’s not here.’
Honestly, I’m not defending ‘racist’ door policies, but many of us know that nightclubs sell exclusivity when they are building their brand by setting atmosphere in their venues. Usually this is achieved by only letting ‘pretty people’ inside, you know, the skinny, shiny, happy, rich-looking people. Would the student in question have upset the atmosphere at Agostea? Dunno, perhaps; perhaps not, but the mere fact that one can sue an establishment and be awarded this amount of skrilla makes all nightclubs vulnerable and soon they could be closing their doors completely. A racist door policy is hard to prove under the current nightclub theme of exclusivity, except in cases of racist bouncers revealing their boss’ racist policies. Similar cases are pending in 5 other regions.
A lawyer for the club is said to be appealing the ruling as he has footage from inside the club that shows while it wasn’t a total blackout, it wasn’t just a white party either.
Perhaps we should all take a page out of Peer Steinbrück’s book and start our own clubs.
Have you been to Agostea? What’s the real deal? Enquiring minds want to know.
Church of Scotland Considering Banning Heterosexual Weddings
Despite blessed assurances by the Scottish government regarding protections for religious bodies not amenable to conducting homosexual wedding ceremonies, the Church of Scotland has made alternate arrangements.
In a preemptive strike against potential litigation involving its ministers who would be refusing to officiate homosexual wedding ceremonies, the CoS is considering ceasing officiating all weddings, both hetero- and homosexual alike citing, ‘if we discriminate against everyone, then its fair.’
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – HIDEY HO! And remember darlings, when the question is ‘why?’ the answer is always ‘money.’
Enjoy the weekend, and this video from Slinger “Mighty Sparrow” Francisco who IS NOT DEAD, but remains in serious condition in a NY hospital.