Global News Weekly Roundup – 14 Septiembre 2013

Well, the toast of the town and the post of the week awards appear to go to the man with the stone expression Vladimir Putin. With 24-hour news channels, 3G, 4G, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, et al, Vlad writes a post in a New York periodical due to “insufficient communication” between the societies. Could he have not just picked up the phone?

In perusing the piece, I agreed on some points, was perplexed by some, and amused by some. I agree that a US strike against Syria would result in more violence, not less. Putin’s announcement that Russia was not protecting the Syrian government, but rather the laws of the lands made me chuckle as we all know there exists a sort of brotherhood between he and Assad, and perhaps rightfully so as they are terribly close in proximity. What affects one will undoubtedly affect the other.

Can one argue the suggestion of exceptionalism in America, who has long suffered from egocentrism and at times arrogance serving as the world’s self-appointed police officer flitting about the world trying to colonise territories with histories, traditions, and religions that run counter to the American concept of democracy all in the name of oil freedom? Are Americans really satisfied with their involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq? But you can’t go by me; I’m only on my 2^nd cup of Early Grey Goose tea.

Top of the evening to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

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Jamaican Bad Apples Spoiling the Whole Bunch in Barbados, Drug Mules Creating Division Between Islands

If you are a Jamaican national attempting to gain entry into Barbados with a Jamaican passport and you get this look from customs officials,

don’t take it personally. Blame it instead on your fellow Jamaican travelers.

Apparently Jamaicans smuggle so much weed onto the popular Caribbean island, they need their own resident lawyer. Jamaican native Jaydene Thomas, who currently practices law in Barbados, has grown weary with her post of pleading cases for Jamaican smugglers and mules on what she says has become a weekly basis.  Following her work with a young, pregnant mule who ingested drugs, Thomas says that fellow Jamaicans who utilize the court’s frequent flyer program add to the negative view about Jamaicans and result in non-smuggling Jamaicans being denied entry – over 1,400 were denied entry in the last 5 years – or gaining entry, but being subjected to less than sociable treatment by officials.

Seemingly Jamaicans are very persistent entrepreneurs who are simply trying to fill an obvious demand that originates within Barbados’ borders. Apparently there is no ganja growing in Barbados, and Jamaicans have merely stepped in to fill the void.

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NSA Sends CSEC Floral Bouquet, Thankful for Decryption Capabilities

We all know by now that the NSA is spying on everyone in the universe and that blocking their attempts seems almost futile unless you have certain handy tips outlined in my July 13 post.  However, that has changed with the entrance of Canada’s Communications Security Establishment (CSEC) into the open cadre of super-spies alongside the likes of the International Man of Mystery, England’s finest.

CSEC enabled NSA to decrypt data that you worked so hard to encrypt. All that porn, those photos you thought disappeared on Snapchat, the shipment of cocaine you’ve been plotting, all your money laundering, and all that international espionage you’ve been busying yourself with between naps is all laid bare before Big Brother – and all it took was a little ‘finessing.’ The reality of the situation is that CSEC released control of the standards process to NSA actually hoping the news would leak in an effort to distract Canadians from noticing they are actively being watched by CSEC sans warrants either directly or through its consortium of spies inclusive of the US, UK, Australia, and New Zealand better known by their mafia name – the Five Eyes. Yes, thank you CSEC, thank you.

**

Japan Pissed at Being France’s Newest Victim of Cartoon Cruelty

Japan’s Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga is crying foul over an unflattering animation in French publication Le Canard Enchaine that portrayed the ill-effects of the Fukushima nuclear meltdown – skinny, mutated sumo wrestlers – in honour of Japan’s win to host the 2020 Olympics.

After almost 3 years, tens of thousands of residents still have not been able to return to their homes due to the nuclear disaster that struck the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Radioactive waste is said to still be seeping into the nearby grounds. While Prime Minister Shinzo Abe assured the International Olympic Committee that he and his team had the situation “under control,” Suga reportedly told BBC, “This kind of journalism gives the wrong impression about the waste water problem.”

We agree.  Just ask the 3-eyed fish growing pubic hair in the waters nearby.

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China Continues Spending Spree, Puts $16M Deposit Down on Barbados

Cheapside Market, Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, and the Wildey Gymnasium have been held up as shining examples of the economic progress and improvements Barbados’ residents have enjoyed as a result of partnership between the island and the People’s Republic of China. Construction and infrastructure development throughout the island has been done through Chinese grants and interest-free loans. But we all know that while the loans are interest free, nothing is really free when money is attached.

China has been placing holding deposits all over the globe with down payments made in Nigeria, Barbados, parts of the US, and more recently, Jamaica’s Goat Island.  Forget learning Spanish in school, we recommend learning Mandarin.

**

Things White Nuts Say, Germany’s Petty Colour Problems

Its election time in Germany and almost all eyes are fixed on Merkel, who has suffered a recent dip in polls while challenger Steinbrück is quietly creeping upwards. An ad firm employed by the Italian company responsible for Ferrero Rochers, you know, those little hazelnut candies with the chocolate filling that come in gold wrapped balls, took ad-vantage of election season and used it as a theme in a commercial for Ferrero Kusschen.

Yes, a big-ass talking chocolate box at an election rally heralding, “We want white Ferrero Küsschen forever.”  Enthusiasts hold placards reading, “Yes Weiss Can”, meaning Yes White Can, “Weiss Nuss Bleiben” meaning White Nuts Stay, and “Germany Votes White.” Critics’ complaints that the advert is racist and xenophobic resulted in Ferrero preemptively removing the ad in lieu of waiting for consumers to weigh in.

Ferrero insists they were talking about chocolate, not people. Of course they were talking about chocolates; there aren’t any other voting options in Germany other than white as Karamba Diaby is still being primed.

I mean, adverts can’t be racist, can they? Take for instance this one,

or this one,

or this one,

or this one,

or this one,

or…

No. Adverts can’t be racist, that’s pure rubbish.

Do you think the Ferrero Kusschen advert is subtly xenophobic as critics claim? Chat back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, keep calm and carry on.

**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

In other news, though summer season is winding down, the Burkini (and Veilkini) continues to make splashes in some German communities following a ruling by a German court requiring a young lass to take part in school swimming lessons. While some of her Muslim classmates are already wearing the modest swim attire, the stellar student’s Moroccan parents argued the lessons run counter to their faith practices and principles of modesty. The 13 year old wants to swim, but separate from boys as she says Islam prohibits her from wearing a swimsuit in the presence of males, and seeing males topless.

The burkini, seen below, has previously been modeled by our very own Nigella Lawson. I personally celebrate modest apparel, but I don’t think I could pull this off, do you?

 

 

 

A. Full Coverage – Can’t Touch This

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B. Peekaboo Tankini – You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C. ‘I had an unfortunate incident with a piranha’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

D. Just Some String from the Craft Store

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elsewhere, German nightclubs have fallen under the watchful eye of the keepers of political correctness for what some are calling racist door policies after a local student of Kurdish descent filed a lawsuit because he was denied entry to top hotspot Agostea.

A judge awarded the student €1K as a result of Agostea’s infraction, violating the 2006 General Equal Treatment Law.

A bouncer on duty the night of the alleged incident reportedly told the well-coiffed plaintiff that, “The boss doesn’t want foreigners to come in.”

My outrage at this incident should be obvious.

Did your boss tell you to tell ‘foreigners’ he didn’t want them to come in, dumbass?

That’s akin to a kid answering a ringing home phone and the parent instructing them to tell the person on the other end that the parent is not at home. The kid answers and politely tells the caller, ‘Mi mum said to tell you she’s not here.’

Honestly, I’m not defending ‘racist’ door policies, but many of us know that nightclubs sell exclusivity when they are building their brand by setting atmosphere in their venues. Usually this is achieved by only letting ‘pretty people’ inside, you know, the skinny, shiny, happy, rich-looking people. Would the student in question have upset the atmosphere at Agostea? Dunno, perhaps; perhaps not, but the mere fact that one can sue an establishment and be awarded this amount of skrilla makes all nightclubs vulnerable and soon they could be closing their doors completely. A racist door policy is hard to prove under the current nightclub theme of exclusivity, except in cases of racist bouncers revealing their boss’ racist policies. Similar cases are pending in 5 other regions.

A lawyer for the club is said to be appealing the ruling as he has footage from inside the club that shows while it wasn’t a total blackout, it wasn’t just a white party either.

Perhaps we should all take a page out of Peer Steinbrück’s book and start our own clubs.

picture-alliance/dpa/Alfred Steffen/SZ-Magazin

Have you been to Agostea? What’s the real deal? Enquiring minds want to know.

**

Church of Scotland Considering Banning Heterosexual Weddings

Despite blessed assurances by the Scottish government regarding protections for religious bodies not amenable to conducting homosexual wedding ceremonies, the Church of Scotland has made alternate arrangements.

In a preemptive strike against potential litigation involving its ministers who would be refusing to officiate homosexual wedding ceremonies, the CoS is considering ceasing officiating all weddings, both hetero- and homosexual alike citing, ‘if we discriminate against everyone, then its fair.’

**

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – HIDEY HO! And remember darlings, when the question is ‘why?’ the answer is always ‘money.’

Enjoy the weekend, and this video from Slinger “Mighty Sparrow” Francisco who IS NOT DEAD, but remains in serious condition in a NY hospital.

#GodSaveTheQueen

Global News Weekly Roundup – 31 August 2013

 

Hello again you Smart and Beautifuls! A lofty amount of malicious deliciousness has taken place during my brief illness, but as my health was improving, I took notice of some extreme malevolence on the part of some of our global neighbours:

American rapper Eminem has been named Ireland’s new “Barry White” with rhymes so smooth they apparently make #Slanegirl residents’ knickers wet and knees drop. Oh my!

American military snitch Bradley Manning (oh, you Americans thrill me, you really do) attempts a beautiful ruse – ye old bait & switch, genderstyle – in an effort to live out his 35 year prison sentence in a female prison. You old scalawag, you! 

Nicholas Attin’s Escape from Babylon finally opened in Caribbean cinemas with a professionally trained and diverse cast, filmed on location in Trinidad – imagine, a criminal underworld in Trinidad?  Unfathomable, yet Attin makes it believable. I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Attin.

On a recent trip to China, Jamaican Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller told officials that if they want to do business with the tiny island paradise, ‘dem haffi pay dung pon it’ to the tune of $1.5B, which the Chinese are more than happy to pay as a down payment on the island.

It was so nice that a large crowd gathered for #NottingHillCarnival. I’m always glad to see the mentally ill blending in with the general population for such a culturally rich event. But someone please tell them that carnival is for dancing, not dry-humping.

Aaaannd…those American Video Mediocrity Awards, during which I felt personally victimized by that Cyrus girl’s perfauxmance. Initially, I was concerned, thinking, “Dear Lord! Somebody help her! She’s trying not to swallow her tongue, she’s having a seizure!” But soon I realized I was being taken on a neuropsychotic ride. Additionally, while Jimberlake was bringing sexy back, that Thicke bloke was bringing Beetlejuice back with that horrid zebra ensemble.

But enough about me; where are my manners?  How ARE you, you precious bastards?

Wild Wing Café’s ‘There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity’ Experiment

Somewhere in America, a restaurant chain has experienced an explosive Facebook marketing campaign that puts their business on the map, but for all the wrong reasons. Something called Wild Wing Café refused to serve a group of 25 black patrons who had been waiting approximately 2 hours to be seated because a white patron reported feeling threatened by their presence.

Mathematically, that reflects poorly on the deciding manager.

A local news station reported that a Wild Wing Café representative reached out to the offended party to apologize, and offered a free meal to the group.

I asked a relative who lives in the States to put the matter into context for me, and she simply replied, “Its South Carolina.”

My problem with this story should be obvious: who the hell waits 2 hours to be seated???

But onward to the real news…

’ No Bikes, No Filming, No littering’, Zurich’s New Hooker Attraction Gears Up for Business

Resulting from an earlier 2.5M franc sex-box referendum, Zurich has opened a new theme park offering hookers semi-private stables in which to perform their services. As such, street solicitation is no longer permitted and sex workers are expected to adhere to working in the confines of available stables.

Zurich’s newly designed sex stables, manned by security guards, feature an alarm, emergency exit, and giant erotic posters with condoms on them to remind patrons to wear them – yes, because they’re so bloody effective.

The Swiss city also spared no taxpayer expense in creating ‘ambience’ for shoppers that include bench seating, healthy trees and coloured lighting.

The sex boxes are said to reduce violence and improve working conditions for sex workers, but locals say they are mainly to reduce visibility of sex workers in larger communities. There are rules however, patrons must drive down a strip as they shop, one man per car (no word on how many women or boys are allowed in the vehicle), no cycles of any kind (bi-,tri-, or motor), no filming, and no littering. Gotta keep Dirty Disneyland clean!

**

Mugabe-Inspired Bum Cloth Nixed

A patriotic, entrepreneurial idea at its best has been nixed in Zimbabwe. In an effort to increase recycling within the African country, 26 year old Takura Mufumisi was said to have used posters of newly re-elected President Mugabe as bum cloth, i.e. toilet paper (not to be confused with bumboclaat) in a local bar. However, election laws prohibit the use of campaign posters in that manner.

Fortunately for Mr. Mufumisi, he was acquitted due to lack of evidence earlier this month. According to reports, the lone witness could only testify that Mr. Mufumisi went into the shitter, but could not confirm what he wiped his arse with. Locals are looking into alternate and more acceptable recycling programs.

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LIAT Airlines: ‘We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Wheels to Fly’

43 Barbados-bound passengers on LIAT Flight 774 are reconsidering their choice of airline carrier following a budget flight from Guyana in another damning incident for the beleaguered airline.

A LIAT representative calls the most recent incident a “main wheel failure during takeoff.”  However passengers reported that the main wheel was actually successful in falling off of the aircraft.

Sources indicate that the pilot was advised to continue on to Grantley Adams International Airport following discussions with maintenance personnel.

The Leader In Airline Trauma, who advertises fares as low as $100 on its website, recently inked a $65M deal to finance an upgrade of its fleet; airline insiders say it can offer competitive fares because it spends less on airline maintenance and ancillary items such as staff training and wheels citing, on condition of anonymity, “When you’re in the air, wheels are not important, wings are.”

Part of the reason LIAT can offer such sub-stellar service is because they lack legitimate competition for intra-island travel. However, that may soon change as Aerogaviota Caribbean is poised to take over after recently launching flights between Havana, Cuba and Kingston, Jamaica. If LIAT is not carefully considerate, they may become the BlackBerry of the Caribbean airline industry, taking a rear, economy coach seat to Aerogaviota.

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Oxford Wrongly Classifies ‘Twerking’ as a Dance, Rather Than Mental Illness

In other developments, the lovely gents responsible for the Oxford Dictionary have announced that future editions of the famous book of words will include the word Twerk (verb), which will be defined incorrectly as, “dancing to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.”

This is completely irresponsible on the part of Oxford as the phenomenon of twerking is CLEARLY a neuropsychiatric disorder that would be more appropriately identified within the tempered pages of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Twerking is not a dance; it is a part of a wide spectrum of tic disorders.

What is being characterized as “dancing” is actually a series of physical (motor) tics as seen in people with Tourrette syndrome. Like Tourette’s, twerking is no longer a rare condition, but it is still very much bizarre affecting mainly females as they pass through adolescence into adulthood.

Twerking in adulthood is a rarity, though it is often observed within the confines of many nightclubs where women “dance” on poles and in laps of patrons. Twerking in this instance is used as a catch and release method when the buttocks clenches and releases in an effort to keep hold of the paper currency, usually small denominations,  that is being thrown at those exhibiting this disorder.

Twerking is not fatal and can be treated with exorcism.

**

Kenyan Woman-shortage Creates Happy Love Triangles

Kenyans have reportedly begun smoking the wrong end of the cannabis plant as demonstrated by two men allegedly agreeing to marry the same woman.

The woman, a widow with 2 children who has elected to remain anonymous, had been cheating on each suitor with the other for over 4 years as she simply ‘could not decide betwixt the two.’

To solve the problem, Sylvester Mwendwa and Elijah Kimani have agreed to share the unnamed Jezebel in matrimony to ‘keep the peace.’ In other words, one-a-mind-and-one-a-grind.

Local attorneys advised that the union would be legally recognised only in the event that polyandry (a form of slackness) was a proven part of their custom which, according to locals, it is not. However, a family lawyer indicated the trio may get away with their scheme as the law does not expressly forbid polyandry.

In this split-object triangle, the two men will move into her house and rotate husband duties.  Mwendwa reportedly told BBC, “She is like the central referee. She can say whether she wants me or my colleague.”

I don’t know any man with fully descended testicles who would agree to such an arrangement. Do you? Chat back in the comments – unless you’re a voyeur, in which case, no pressure.

**

 

Revenge Porn, the New American Pastime

You know the story:

Girl meets boy

Girl dates boy

Boy asks girl for nude photo

Girl sends boy pic of the ‘dirty pillows’

Boy breaks up with girl

Boy retains custody of pic and shares on ‘revenge porn’ site

Girl gets trolled, and cries foul, etcetera, etcetera…

Such is the story of www.endrevengeporn.com’s founder, Holly Jacobs, who says her former boyfriend’s second personality emerged when he learned she was seeing someone new – a claim he denies. Civil and criminal charges are pending.

Apparently it is within every American’s right, except those in New Jersey where it is a felony, to pornify someone without getting their consent.  While you cannot take nonconsensual pics legally, you can share them legally. After all, sharing is caring.

Why didn’t she get the photo taken down?

The website refused, invoking the First Amendment.

Why didn’t she go to the police?

Posting the pics did not meet the ‘harassing course of conduct’ requirement of the criminal harassment law.

Why didn’t she have the ex-boyfriend killed?

Because she had already left a trail leading back to her by performing steps a) and b) above.

My recommendation to you who like to immortalize yourself in naked selfies, ESPECIALLY YOU TEENAGE TWITS:  Don’t allow anyone to possess compromising photos of you unless you are in possession of equally damning photos of them, ensuring mutual assured destruction.

**

In other news and contrary to popular belief, not everyone who advocates for the divine MJ do so because they want to be smoked-out, red-eyed potheads. It is a plant, like many others, with countless health benefits.  A Jamaican scientist advocates for the proper, medicinal use of ganja – FINALLY!

Dr. Lowe, I need a word with you sir…

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Ciao!

And remember darlings, if you stop to throw a stick at every dog that barks at you, you’ll never reach your destination. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #HealthIsWealth #GodSaveTheQueen

Global News Weekly Roundup – 10 August 2013

Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Fortnight, Good Morrow lovelies! What a deliciously malicious week in the news! Speaking of malicious, Vladimir Putin seems to be falling out of everyone’s good graces at an alarming rate, starting with Barack Obama and Stephen Fry, yet he doesn’t seem terribly bothered. Her Majesty hasn’t been terribly bothered with me either. She’s been so preoccupied with Georgie Porgie that she has not been the least bit bothered by my burglary case. While I’ve been trying to prove my innocence, I’ve been watching the world’s headlines. They’re rather corrupt and a bit more maddening than usual. Wouldn’t you agree?

Sit back, share a morning cup of Earl Grey Goose tea with me, and catch up on the week in curious news.

Mugabe Touts Efficacy of Corruption, Says Ends Justify Means

“Do you think anybody would vote for me because I have a pretty smile and stylish wardrobe? Voters need to be compelled.”

Reigning king of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has been re-crowned in recent elections, though the opposition is crying foul, seeking redress from the courts.

Movement for Democratic Change has accused Mugabe and Zanu-PF of duplicating thousands of voter names and turning away opposition voters, among other fraudulent practices. They are calling for a new election by the end of this calendar year.

Mugabe was reportedly overheard saying, “There is no such thing as an honest government or election. If you want honesty/truth in government, you have to wait til you die and go to heaven, this is Africa!”

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Peek-a-boo, We Hear You! Jamaica’s Covert Spying Operations Uncovered

Jamaican police and military forces have joined the ranks of other national governments who spy on its citizens as several agencies were found tapping the phones of its residents.  When quizzed on their covert operations, authorities declined to comment on specifics like who was being spied on, how long they had been spying, and exactly what data they had gathered.  However, they claimed that spying is done to preserve the island’s national security. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, reminded residents that personal privacy was a thing of the past that could no longer be guaranteed as a 7-year old amendment to the Interception of Communications Act allows them to spy on its citizens for a full week sans warrant from the court.

Here’s what some locals had to say:

Thank you Gleaner for that lovely footage. #GovtTooNuff

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Chris Brown to Leave Music for Boxing Career

Condolences are in order for members of #TeamBreezy as the R&B musician, and friend of Twitter, announced to Mainstream America – you know who you are – his tentative retirement from the music industry. Citing “infamy fatigue” and constant comparisons to the late Ike Turner, Brown conceded there is never a right time to Say Goodbye, but decided it was in his best interest to “chuck up the Deuces.”

Could this be a publicity ploy for his forthcoming album, X, or is he serious? No one knows for certain, but sources close to the embattled singer say he is considering boxing or MMA fighting as his next career move. “No doubt he’s a good fighter.” #FloatLikeaButterflyStingLikeaB

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Cyber Safety Act to Enforce Online Manners

Cyber-bullies are distressed over new Nova Scotia legislation that allows victims of bullying to sue; if the bully is a minor, the parents would become liable. If the bullying happens at school, the principal may become liable.

The new Cyber Safety Act loosely defines cyber bullying as any electronic communication that is reasonably expected to humiliate another person, or harm their “self-esteem…”

A conscientious observer noted,

Opponents of the law suggest this is a slippery slope due to the open interpretation of bullying that will be left to the victim. “Offense is taken, not given,” cited one cyber-bully. They’re arresting trolls now they want to sue bullies – what’s next, a law against ‘being mean?’

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   J-FLAG VS Queen Ifrica: Round I 

During Jamaica’s recent Grand Gala event, held to celebrate their 51^st year of independence from the monarchy, reggae performer, daughter of Ska legend Derrick Morgan, and devout Rastafarian Ventrice “Queen Ifrica” Morgan (nee Fyah Muma) took some of her performance time to plead with the nation’s prime minister not to repeal the current buggery (anti-sodomy) laws.

Ruffling Doctor Bird feathers seemed to be her intention as she spoke out against homosexuality and skin bleaching, and in favour of legalizing marijuana.  In a move similar to popular dancehall artist Rodney “Bounty Killer” Price’s at a children’s fundraiser several years ago, Ifrica traded cheers for awkward silence when she verbally opposed Jamaica’s following what she called ‘international trends decriminalizing homosexuality.’ J-Flag is calling for the government to penalize artists’ use of indecent language, discriminatory rhetoric and the incitement of violence.

Ifrica said she was merely exercising her right to free speech.

**

 

Oh Yes She Did! – Emma Roberts Crashes Donut Line

*Disclaimer: We are not kind to celebs who think their status gives them preeminence above the rest of us. If this offends you, we’re sorry, and by ‘we’re sorry’ we mean, ‘you’ll get over it.’*

American actress Emma Roberts and her publicist were turned away when they attempted to reassign themselves from number 12,471 in a donut line to position number 2.

Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and niece of actress Julia Roberts, was at the tail end of a block-long line for the Gucci donuts when she decided, ‘I’m Emma Roberts bitches!’ and dragged her publicist to the entry way where a doorman sent them on their way. (Imagine, a donut shop so hip it has a doorman/bouncer, ah those New Yorkers!) She ended up leaving the line of young hipsters incessantly masturbating their iGadgets attempting to appear cool, hip, and edgy shortly after. The doorman admitted he was afraid of Roberts due to her recent arrest history for domestic battery, but was overheard saying, “I had a duty to protect and serve our donuts. They’re expensive y’know!”

**

Oprah Winfrey’s Swiss Diss

Once again, simple people have taken liberties with American TV personality and billionaire Oprah Winfrey, this time in Switzerland.

In town for singer Tina Turner’s nuptials, Oprah decided to go shopping sans entourage at one of those shicky micky boutiques – Trois Pommes.  Upon asking to see a 35K Franc crocodile handbag – the appropriate thing to do with a nasty croc, make a bloody bag out of it – the sales attendant allegedly replied, “No. That’s too expensive. I’ll show you this one.” The store’s head, Trudy Goetz, said the employee did nothing wrong in being “too kind,” looking out for the financial resources of its potential clientele in these tough economic times.

While Goetz said no disciplinary action would be taken against the employee, the offending sales associate is reportedly being remanded to basic sales training 101 where she would relearn the art of actually selling expensive merchandise, not keeping it around as store decor.

**

 

Don-Dawn-Don, Transgender Wants to Be Man Again

He thought he was a woman trapped in a man’s body, but little did he know there was a man trapped inside the woman who was trapped inside that one body.

One fair day, Don Ennis announced to his wife that he was transgender and becoming a woman to be called Dawn. When “Dawn” fell into a weekend coma only to reawaken with breasts he did not remember acquiring, she decided she wanted to live life as a male once more. Ennis blamed his gender confusion on his mother – of course – saying she had fed him estrogen as a child.

Sources close to the matter cite “Dawn’s” inability to find fashionable shoes that fit as the real reason s/he shifted back to being male, plus those dreadful cramps! It’s a good thing he kept the penis.

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Beef Surprise for Dinner? The Surprise is THAT’S NOT BEEF

In an effort to meet an increased global demand for meat, a scientist has created a beef patty – in a laboratory.

The lab-grown burger, comprised of red beet juice, saffron, and cattle stem cells, took 5 years and $332K to produce – not a likely contender for fast food magnate McDonald’s whose burgers are cheaper and faster to make.

The mad Dutch scientist responsible for the petri-burger, Mark Post, anticipates his creation will become a ‘viable alternative to animal meat production’ in another 20 years. Meanwhile, veggie burgers will have to do.

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That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM!  Will I or won’t I get off of house arrest? Be sure to tune in next week to see if I’m free, or at least to check out what you missed in world news.

And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

 

Global News Weekly Roundup – 3 August 2013

Well top of the afternoon to you lovely bastards! Now that the Royal Crumb-snatcher has landed, we are free to resume our maliciously delicious lives. And how malicious it has been! It seems that when Sunny is away the trolls will play. Over the past weekend my beloved Twitter had a minor-major disruption when a journalist fed the trolls – something we’ve been warned to never, ever do. Let’s get right into it, shall we?

Monday

Don’t Feed the Trolls – They’re Only 12

A Manchester troll has been arrested for the extreme trolling of journalist Caroline Criado-Perez.  The motive – Criado-Perez’s recent success in getting Jane Austen’s image on a banknote, something I’m sure most people were not even giving attention to – not that rolls need a motive.

This particular incident of trolling was peculiarly extreme, even for Twitter, resulting in the subsequent detention of at least two trolls.

While the widely accepted home remedy for online trolls is ‘feed-a-fever & starve-a-troll’, Criado-Perez took a left turn and stared down the numerous trolls head on with the hashtag #Shoutingback.  The outcome, however, was remarkable in that a troll was actually arrested.

#Shoutingback has also yielded thousands of signatures on a petition requesting a “report abuse” button on Twitter as well as Twitter-cott on August 4^th.

The sad truth is you cannot simply rid the world of trolls. If an account is suspended, one can merely create a new one within minutes. Section 14 of the Rules of the Internet states: “If you argue with a troll, they win.” The choice is up to you. Well played, Ms. Criado-Perez, well bloody played.

On the other end of the spectrum, older trolls are said to be unhappy with the modern direction trolling has taken, citing old school trolling was more based in snarky sarcasm, but current trolling has become rooted in abuse; sounds like a discourse on “rap” vs “hip hop”.

Will Voters Keep Scotland in the UK? Definitely Maybe

A recent Panelbase survey indicated that while support for Scottish independence from the UK increased, union support outnumbers independence support by as much as 11%.  However, rampant speculation suggests that pro-indie supporters will outnumber pro-unis at next year’s polls. This speculation suggests that pro-unis will become complacent and overconfident that they will win in the year ahead. The possibility still remains that undecideds may lean towards independence, tilting the scales for the realization of an independent Scotland.

In an effort to increase the pro-indie numbers and turnout, undecideds have been urged by SNP to watch Braveheart every weekend until their vote is needed next September.

Elections for a New World Boss Halted as Kartel Releases Statement

Also over the weekend, skin-bleaching ambassador and currently incarcerated reggae dancehall artist Adidja Palmer, who performs under the moniker Vybz Kartel, recently released a statement following a dismissal of one of his murder charges.  In it he maintained gratitude to those who have supported his claim of innocence,  and denounced fellow artists and former protégés Andre “Popcorn” Sutherland and Leroy “Tommy Lee Sparta” Russell as ‘shameless traitors’ with ‘spiraling careers’.

In the race for a new world boss, Popcorn was primed for the position as Tommy Lee continues to fall behind in the polls following a recent meeting of his constituency in Trinidad where only 3 people were in attendance.

Tommy Lee, often referred to as Grey Goose for his fading complexion, is reported to have responded to Kartel’s renunciation stating, “I’ve always been loyal.”

Tuesday

Red-headed Reporter Learns Rules of TMI

Another reporter has bitten the dust. Former WAAY correspondent Shea Allen was relieved of her duties at the Alabama station following the release of a personal blog post, Confessions of a Redheaded Reporter, which subsequently has been voted Cutest Blog on the Block. PPfftt.

In the post, the apparently perky-bosomed, elder-phobic mail thief confessed to violating the news reporter’s cardinal rule: Thou Shalt Not Sleep on the Job when she posted that she had “taken naps in the news car.” Just ask any #Royalbabywatch reporter – that is a definite “nyet nyet.”  It is, most likely, for this reason above all others that the crimson-haired maven was asked never to return to her post.

Mugabe to Retain Kung-fu Grip on Zimbabwe

President Robert Mugabe expects to continue running the African country with an iron grip, but opponents say he can barely run his own bath let alone an entire country.

Mugabe, who is hundreds of years old, has been widely known to employ tactics such as violence and intimidation via surrogates to get what he wants within the nation, including the presidential seat; supporters of the opposition party are hopeful that this election would be a clarion call to Mugabe and his team that the country will no longer support his corruption in politics.

After a recent visit with US President Barack Obama, Mugabe castigated his American counterpart over his support of same-sex marriages. Obama is said to have wished Mugabe luck in the upcoming elections and urged Zimbabwe to accept same-sex unions should they desire to continue to receive aid.

Following the tense meeting between the two leaders, sources close to the Obama Administration confirm there has been no further attempt at dialogue by President Obama citing, “F#^% it. Zimbabwe has no oil anyway.”

Wednesday

Russia Refuses to Let Freak-flag Fly

Vitaly Milonov’s legislative baby has grown into a successfully instituted ban on public displays of “non-traditional” affection. The ban, said to be aimed at homosexuals, includes steep fines and jail time if violated. Milonov recently told news reporters that the ban will be active during next year’s Winter Olympics being held in Sochi and will be applied evenly to locals and foreign visitors alike.

The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is said to be concerned over the safety of homosexual fans and athletes’ stay while in Russia. Sources close to the matter report that the IOC has reportedly been urging athletes and spectators to travel with closets in the event they need to “go back in” because, “Putin don’t play that.”

In response to the ban, many foreign nationals have participated in a boycott of Russia’s most popular morning beverages, Stolichnaya and Russian Standard. Russian officials seem un-bothered by the recent boycott efforts stating, “There are three things we all know Americans cannot live without: food, coffee, and vodka.”

For Strauss-Khan, Its Just Pimpin Pimpin

The aging former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Khan will now face trial on “aggravated pimping” charges related to a Lille hotel prostitution ring.  The embattled Strauss-Khan said he was at a party with the women, but didn’t know they were prostitutes.  Strauss-Khan was overheard telling his lawyers, “I had no idea they were prostitutes.  Why is it not natural to assume they would have sex with me for free? I’m Dominique Strauss-Khan after all.”

Investigators are said to have found copies of American comedian Katt Williams’ The Pimp Chronicles and Its Pimpin Pimpin among Strauss-Khan’s belongings following the arrest.  A police aid close to the case said it looked as though Strauss-Khan was “trying to improve his pimp game.”

Strauss-Khan faces ten years in prison.

For Greece’s Elite, Membership Had Its Privileges

Greece’s top earning residents are said to be in a panic following a government plan that would end the benefit of free dedicated police protection. The move was done in an effort to appease bailout creditors and meet budget targets for the cash-strapped nation.

While paying for dedicated police services would reduce the nation’s debt, ease the country’s economic burden, and potentially add to Greece’s coffers, some of Greece’s elite who earn well above the €100,000 benchmark claim the pay-for-protection scheme would leave them vulnerable to attack and could potentially become a slippery slope. “First, we’ll pay for our own protection. Next, we’ll have to pay taxes. Where does it end?”

Thursday

Why You May Want to Return to TVs with Rabbit-ear Antennas

Recent reports about Samsung’s newly repaired flaws found by iSEC Partners didn’t leave a good taste in hackers’ mouths, but left them feeling hopeful that they could soon resume making consumers’ lives uneasy by spying on them, invading their privacy, and potentially stealing their information.

Prior to the repairs, hackers were able to turn on the TV’s camera remotely and reroute a user to various malicious websites. Now they’ll have to explore other ways to exploit software glitches in so-called ‘smart devices’ that boast internet connectivity with little to no security.

A hacker’s dream: “If there’s a vulnerability in any application, there’s a vulnerability in the entire TV,” said iSEC analyst Aaron Grattafiori.

Rabbit ears and foil, anyone?

Geisha Facial My Arse – That’s Birdshit!

Dried nightingale excrement + water + rice bran = the latest beauty craze that is sweeping across women’s faces everywhere.  Hailed as a beauty treatment that exfoliates and removes dirt and impurities, upscale spas are seeing an uptick in what has been coined the ‘Geisha Facial.’ The benefits of such facials are said to rejuvenate tired skin, leaving a glowing complexion for the client. While many have taken to the celebrity treatments, some modern women remain skeptical.  One patron of a swanky spa offering the facial told us, “Calling it poop makes it sound dainty. At almost $200 per treatment, let’s call it what it is – birdshit.”

#SoapandWater

Friday

Revelers Beware, Police Enforcing Mystery Law

Well its Crop Over season and locals and foreign attendees shouldn’t expect anything less than stage-5 reveling.  However, patrons should be warned that the Royal Barbados Police Force is prepared to make examples out of anyone who plans to ‘bandjump.’

The law in place against band encroachment can yield a hefty fine or 6-month imprisonment to anyone found guilty of violating it.

Inspector Bruce Rowe admits, in an effort to let masqueraders “revel in peace,” he and his men are seeking out those who are ‘riding dirty.’

In other news, Syrian Muslims are dealing with effects of life without the benefit of croissants.  The tasty pastries have fallen under a recent ruling by Sheikh Abu Mohammed of the Islamic court Hai’aa al-Sharia as forbidden, or haram.  The recent fatwa, citing “colonial oppression,” pointed to the crescent shape as being a celebratory representative of European victory over Muslims. One onlooker responded, “This is what happens when you can’t eat bacon – you just get cranky.”

An incredible story comes from the States – albeit unconfirmed – of a father teaching his 7 year old son a lesson about lying.

Dad and son went to the store. Dad told son he could pick out 8 gifts for his upcoming 8^th birthday party. As the dad and son reached the counter to check out, the purchase came to several hundred dollars. The dad looked at the cashier and said:

‘I hate to do this to you, but I’m not buying any of these items. I told my son he could pick out gifts for his birthday, but I lied to him to teach him a lesson about lying to me and his mom. Now he knows how it feels. Do you want me to put these things back for you?’

The young lad is reported to have filed for emancipation from his parents.

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!  Be sure to check out Toronto Carnival’s Grand Parade or Vienna’s Rathausplatz Festival activities and events. And do tell about it – I’ll have to live vicariously through you all until my probation matter has been sorted out by Her Majesty, or until I can become disconnected from this bloody ankle monitor.

And remember darlings, Kate’s baby is just an heir; he’s not the Messiah. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

Mid-week Mashup: Just Make Me Laugh – Online Funnies

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:

Just Make Me Laugh

Since the advent of the internet a few years ago, our world has become smaller, and as such we have been able to share things with each other that we weren’t able to just a few years back.  Most of you who goof off at work all day know what I’m talking about. The internet has allowed us to see what goes on in other people’s backyards, taught us how to apply makeup, how to play guitar chords like the pros, and even how to twerk.

When I’m online, I mainly am looking for medicinal laughter, the kind of laughter that can lift you out of a momentary funk within minutes of visual application.

These are the top 6 things that have made me and my cronies laugh out loud while we surf the internet (in no particular order).

Tutorials

At times, I search out what products to use on my hair to achieve certain modern and stylish looks. Never did I think to look for products I should not use on my hair, but this tutorial sums up what not to do when trying to look like that lass on the magazine cover.

News Segments

As a news reporter, I appreciate a good segment that is professionally done, even if its simply about road conditions. This sky-report is one of them.

Classic Soap Operas

Sometimes I just want to space out while the telly is on and watch serials from days gone by like As the Stomach Turns.

Silent Films

There are moments when the chattering heads of journalists leaves me wanting silence, at the same time wanting a good film. So what’s a good alternative for a housebound gal? A good silent film.

Dating Tips

Being single in a coupled-up world can be daunting when you too are trying to locate your bloody lobster. I’m always wondering what my male counterparts do to attract that special someone.

Hmm, perhaps they should try one of those services?

Cultural Politics

This next video was informative in demonstrating how culture plays a role in political responses. What if “too cool for school” American President Barack Obama was a short-tempered Jamaican? Would the US have gone to war again? Perhaps George Bush has Jamaican roots – out of many, one people.

You see that button…in the upper right corner? The “x”, click it and go back to work. I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Will the Scots leave the UK? Will Nicki Minaj accept DJ Khaled’s proposal? #YMCBWeddingWatch

Stay tuned – Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen

Global News Weekly Roundup – July 20 2013

Top of the morning afternoon to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree? This week’s mid-week mashup was ENjoyable! I’ve been pairing my wines with everything from breakfast foods, to spliffs, to chocolates, and I’ve been doing fine, just fine! I think even Her Majesty may be lightening up about my little legal matter. I know dear Charles has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But enough about me; where are my manners?

**

Monday

George Zimmerman Petitions Russia for Asylum, Asks Edward Snowden “Can I stay with you?”

American neighbourhood watchman George Zimmerman has reportedly started the week off by petitioning Russian leader Vladimir Putin for asylum claiming that he lives in daily fear for his life following his ‘Not Guilty’ verdict in the shooting death of an American youth of African descent named Trayvon Martin.

It is reported that in his petition, Zimmerman stated he was in “no position to live out the remainder of his life under the watchful eye of passersby, misjudged by potential employers, and in fear of being shot/killed – you know, life as a black man.”

While reactions to the verdict were split with some in favour and some opposed, several observers claimed the verdict was nothing more than “payback for OJ.”

He is also said to have reached out to fellow ostracized American, Edward Snowden, as a potential flat-mate. No word on Snowden’s response.

Senior Drug Distribution Executive Arrested in Mexico

CEO of Fortune 500 drug distribution company, Merck Zetas, Miguel Angel “Z-40” Trevino, has been arrested along with 2 other executive staff members.

While many are hopeful of a decrease in the violence employed by the organization, some indicate that Trevino’s arrest will have no real impact on the US-Mexico drug trade.

A source close to the case, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated “Mr. Trevino is a businessman in a very lucrative business. Its all about supply and demand. Zetas works very hard at supplying the insatiable American pharmaceutical demand. Its unfair, but someone is already primed to take over.”

It is unclear whether Trevino’s brother, Omar “Z-42”, will take over the reins or if it will be split between the DEA and the Sinaloa cartel, as in times past.

And yes, Kate is still pregnant.

**

Tuesday

Pippa Pissed at @Pippatips

Seeking to throw her sister’s weight around, Pippa Middleton has unleashed her attack-lawyers on Icon Books in an effort to get them to remove the loveable Twitter account ‘@Pippatips.’

The witty @Pippatips is a charming, advice-ridden Twitter account that highlights Ms. Middleton’s own style. Offering advice such as “Headache tablets can be a great in helping deal with a headache” and “Dressing up in nice clothes is a stylish way to look great at a party” is deemed a public service, not a nuisance as Pippa claims. Its pure parody Mat Morrisroe- and Suzanne Azzopardi-style, i.e. its not that serious and neither is a woman named “Pippa.”
By the way, her sister is STILLLLLLL pregnant.

**

Wednesday

Pakistani leader shocked by attack on Malala, tries to lure her with promise of education

Adnan Rasheed penned a letter expressing shock over the shooting of young Malala Yousafzai by members of his own extremist group. Sources close to the story say his shock over the shooting of the young activist was said to be because “the Taliban’s infamy is rooted in bombings, not shootings.”

Rasheed invited Malala back to Pakistan, calling for her to

Malala, now living in central England, responded to the offer with a simple

The Taliban leader indicated the supposed smear campaign is an act any reasonable human being can determine to be bad behavior, but the judgment of the shooting of a teenaged girl ‘must be left to God.’

No, Kate hasn’t had that bloody baby yet.

**

Thursday

Fans Introduce Snack-sharing Program During Rihanna Concert

UK music lovers are serious, hardworking and generous people and demonstrated those attributes recently at pop star Rihanna’s Diamonds World Tour at Manchester Arena when the junior diva arrived late for her own performance.

While it was rumoured that some of the shows attendees began throwing their crisps at the singer in retribution for her tardiness, some at the show countered that by citing that fans had waited so long for the show to start, they began sharing their provisions among each other while they waited patiently for the proverbial ‘curtain to rise.’ #BeOnTimeForWork #ShineBrightLikeaPringle

In other news,

American Actress Develops Gestational Cannabis Withdrawal

Evan Rachel Wood has been mindful to keep her Twitter-family appraised of her pregnancy through frequent updates. Referring to her pregnancy as a “whirlwind roller-coaster”, the 25 year old has confessed she was craving pickled onions and peanut butter Pop Tarts, cravings  she suggests were undoubtedly brought on by her severely reduced marijuana intake.

It has been reported that the actress only smokes marijuana as prescribed by her doctor for treatment of mild to moderate glaucoma. #WinkWinkNudgeNudge

Guantanamo to Offer Free Prostate Exams and Colonoscopies

The US government is celebrating a recent court decision that allows it to perform prostate exams and colonoscopies on all detainees of Guantanamo Bay’s naval base located in Cuba.

The procedures, recommended by physicians to be done on an annual basis, are performed at Guantanamo several times a day – prior to leaving one’s cell, and upon return, at least several times a day.

The US extols the frequency of the intimate medical procedures and their two-fold benefit, citing: 1) early detection of cancers or abnormalities leads to early treatment and 2) it serves to decrease the rate of smuggling by inmates because everyone knows that terrorists smuggle secrets under their balls and in their anal cavities.

There simply is no other way to degrade an inmate.

Kate is holding that baby in her womb for ransom.

**

Friday

Accidental Actress Reminds People She is Alive, People Forget Again Shortly After Announcement

Recently, actress Rae Dawn Chong took to the airwaves for reasons unknown and quickly began efforts to become famous – by attacking a well-known and beloved celebrity, Oprah Winfrey. We are unsure of why she was on the radio programme and our sources were as well, as they thought Chong had died some time ago following her role with Winfrey. Chong appeared alongside Winfrey several hundred years ago in the film The Color Purple; at present, Chong is starring in solo work, Green with Envy.

While we take no issues with being an overachiever, it seems that Chong does as she proceeded to applaud Winfrey for being “a total biotch,” “a great brown-noser,” and the “fat chick in school that did everything and everyone loved her.”

While many may be unfamiliar with Chong, you should be familiar with this story line: person makes insanely inappropriate comments, person claims comments were taken out of context, person apologizes profusely citing previously unknown mental illness for ‘irrational behaviour’. We’ve all seen this one – if not this woman – before.

When asked for her response, Oprah’s camp declined to comment; however, our sources said the former talk show host could be overheard saying

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!  Be sure to check out events in your local area, and do tell everyone about it – that’s how we knit…our community together of course.

And remember darlings, a pessimist is just a well-informed optimist. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen