CARICOM, Suriname and Haiti Sue the UK for Illions and Illions in Reparations
There’s no better time to collect on a debt than during a recession. Represented by Leigh Day – a Brit law firm (no irony there) – CARICOM, alongside Haiti and Suriname, have filed suit against France, Britain, and the Netherlands for reparations. The lawsuit filed seeks unspecified damages for the slave trade, resulting in what CARICOM says is persistent poverty that pervades the nations today.
At the very least, Haiti is entitled to some sort of unending financial compensation as France so royally screwed them sans lubricant following France’s defeat during the uprising that resulted in Haiti’s independence. Imagine being required to pay reparations to French slaveholders for the impact your freedom would have on their economy.
No word on how the UK will respond, but sources close to the matter expressed disappointment in the lack of gratitude exhibited by CARICOM and its constituency for all their former colonisers have done for them, namely first world civilization, lending itself to a better life than they would be experiencing had they been left to their own devices in Africa. “They were rewarded with citizenship in some of the greatest nations established on the face of the earth.”
It would be easier for the Victoria Beckham to eat carbs than it would be for Britain to pay reparations as – brace yourself – the Queen Mum is broke! Not Martha Stewart broke, MC Hammer broke. Yes, that’s right lovelies, no mas dinero.
Recessions and economic crises are no respecter of persons. Even Royals go through lean times.
Broke Queen Mum Receives Stimulus Package from Taxpayers to Keep Her Afloat
The aging monarch is said to have shifted her focus from the national economy to that of her personal pan handling campaign after she spent all her money on Adwords with only 14 clicks and no conversions, reducing her disposable cash to almost nothing. As a result, the wonderfully unsuspecting BritCitz have decided to give HRH a pay raise – of 22% as a royal stimulus package. Poor ting, she is said to be down to her last £1M in savings. That means that Rhianna has a net worth higher than Her Majesty.
Honestly, how is a Royal supposed to maintain a palace and a castle with such an allowance? That Sovereign Grant is not even enough for the cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off, especially with almost £20M going to her dutiful staff of 436 precious bastards; those making over £21K have not received a pay raise in 2 years in a cost-cutting measure.
The economic stimulus is said to bring her a mere £37.9M to run her summer and winter palaces as well as finance her travel and accommodations locally and abroad.
Craig Robinson’s Puff-Puff-Pass Incident, Pleads Guilty to Potheadery in the Bahamas
American comedic actor Craig Robinson was deported from the Bahamas this week following his SECOND drug bust. America news outlets are humbly downplaying the incident as ‘minor’ by describing the amount of The Divine Herb Robinson was carrying as ‘small.’
Robinson was on the island paradise performing Craig Robinson LIVE at Atlantis. He reportedly told the magistrate that he did not know ganja was illegal in the Bahamas.
News outlets report that Robinson, who was apprehended with ½ gram of The Divine Herb and 18 ectsasy pills, ‘looked calm.’ Of course he looked calm; he smoked a grand bag of ganja chased by an undisclosed amount of happy pills. By the time he was apprehended, all he had left was a ½ gram. In paying the $1K fine, Robinson avoided a 4 year term of incarceration.
5 years ago Robinson was arrested for possession of ecstasy and meth, however the charges were dismissed following Robinson’s completion of a diversion program, which obviously did not have any lasting effects.
Spritz Before You Shit, PooPourri Voodoo Makes Poo in the Loo Smell Like Roses
Yes friends and countrymen, a product exists that removes the signature smell of your shite and replaces it with happy, warm, inviting fragrances, hiding what you’ve actually been doing on the crapper for the past 30 minutes – playing Battle Shit.
Available for about £20 you too can trap a crap like a boss, or just shit pretty.
I personally think its wrong to remove the natural smell of shite for a prettier smell. If I want rose or orange scented shite, I’ll eat roses with my mimosas. Completely deceptive. After it comes out of that long, dark tunnel, its supposed to smell like toxic waste, not like an afternoon at Grandma’s. But you can’t go by me, there are already over 4M vials sold.
Perhaps its intended for shitting in public arenas…
Cyrus’ Dancing Bear Cries Size-ploitation Following VMAs
After being cast as a backup dancer for that Cyrus girl based on her diminutive stature and of course dancing ability, “Dancing Bear #5” (nee Hollis Jane) is experiencing what some would call post-check-clearing-regrets.
In an effort to ‘break into the industry’, Dancing Bear accepted the role with ‘great hesitation’ but admits the money looked too good to deny. Hollis is now being singled for what some are calling faux outrage at being objectified for her height. Hecklers say what she claims to only have discovered now she should have figured out during rehearsals.
In reading her blog, A Bunch of Dumb Show – On Being a Little Person, in its entirety, she just seems to be suffering from the Life in LA Blues, where an actress struggles for years on end trying to ‘make it big,’ We all know Hollywood is given to the young/young-looking, tall, blonde with ever-inflatable boobage. So my advice to Dancing Bear #5 – keep going; you’ll get there one day and swallow you’re regret. Bills will always need to get paid.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad.
Hello again you Smart and Beautifuls! A lofty amount of malicious deliciousness has taken place during my brief illness, but as my health was improving, I took notice of some extreme malevolence on the part of some of our global neighbours:
American rapper Eminem has been named Ireland’s new “Barry White” with rhymes so smooth they apparently make #Slanegirl residents’ knickers wet and knees drop. Oh my!
American military snitch Bradley Manning (oh, you Americans thrill me, you really do) attempts a beautiful ruse – ye old bait & switch, genderstyle – in an effort to live out his 35 year prison sentence in a female prison. You old scalawag, you!
Nicholas Attin’s Escape from Babylon finally opened in Caribbean cinemas with a professionally trained and diverse cast, filmed on location in Trinidad – imagine, a criminal underworld in Trinidad? Unfathomable, yet Attin makes it believable. I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Attin.
On a recent trip to China, Jamaican Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller told officials that if they want to do business with the tiny island paradise, ‘dem haffi pay dung pon it’ to the tune of $1.5B, which the Chinese are more than happy to pay as a down payment on the island.
It was so nice that a large crowd gathered for #NottingHillCarnival. I’m always glad to see the mentally ill blending in with the general population for such a culturally rich event. But someone please tell them that carnival is for dancing, not dry-humping.
Aaaannd…those American Video Mediocrity Awards, during which I felt personally victimized by that Cyrus girl’s perfauxmance. Initially, I was concerned, thinking, “Dear Lord! Somebody help her! She’s trying not to swallow her tongue, she’s having a seizure!” But soon I realized I was being taken on a neuropsychotic ride. Additionally, while Jimberlake was bringing sexy back, that Thicke bloke was bringing Beetlejuice back with that horrid zebra ensemble.
But enough about me; where are my manners? How ARE you, you precious bastards?
Wild Wing Café’s ‘There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity’ Experiment
Somewhere in America, a restaurant chain has experienced an explosive Facebook marketing campaign that puts their business on the map, but for all the wrong reasons. Something called Wild Wing Café refused to serve a group of 25 black patrons who had been waiting approximately 2 hours to be seated because a white patron reported feeling threatened by their presence.
Mathematically, that reflects poorly on the deciding manager.
A local news station reported that a Wild Wing Café representative reached out to the offended party to apologize, and offered a free meal to the group.
I asked a relative who lives in the States to put the matter into context for me, and she simply replied, “Its South Carolina.”
My problem with this story should be obvious: who the hell waits 2 hours to be seated???
But onward to the real news…
’ No Bikes, No Filming, No littering’, Zurich’s New Hooker Attraction Gears Up for Business
Resulting from an earlier 2.5M franc sex-box referendum, Zurich has opened a new theme park offering hookers semi-private stables in which to perform their services. As such, street solicitation is no longer permitted and sex workers are expected to adhere to working in the confines of available stables.
Zurich’s newly designed sex stables, manned by security guards, feature an alarm, emergency exit, and giant erotic posters with condoms on them to remind patrons to wear them – yes, because they’re so bloody effective.
The Swiss city also spared no taxpayer expense in creating ‘ambience’ for shoppers that include bench seating, healthy trees and coloured lighting.
The sex boxes are said to reduce violence and improve working conditions for sex workers, but locals say they are mainly to reduce visibility of sex workers in larger communities. There are rules however, patrons must drive down a strip as they shop, one man per car (no word on how many women or boys are allowed in the vehicle), no cycles of any kind (bi-,tri-, or motor), no filming, and no littering. Gotta keep Dirty Disneyland clean!
Mugabe-Inspired Bum Cloth Nixed
A patriotic, entrepreneurial idea at its best has been nixed in Zimbabwe. In an effort to increase recycling within the African country, 26 year old Takura Mufumisi was said to have used posters of newly re-elected President Mugabe as bum cloth, i.e. toilet paper (not to be confused with bumboclaat) in a local bar. However, election laws prohibit the use of campaign posters in that manner.
Fortunately for Mr. Mufumisi, he was acquitted due to lack of evidence earlier this month. According to reports, the lone witness could only testify that Mr. Mufumisi went into the shitter, but could not confirm what he wiped his arse with. Locals are looking into alternate and more acceptable recycling programs.
LIAT Airlines: ‘We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Wheels to Fly’
43 Barbados-bound passengers on LIAT Flight 774 are reconsidering their choice of airline carrier following a budget flight from Guyana in another damning incident for the beleaguered airline.
A LIAT representative calls the most recent incident a “main wheel failure during takeoff.” However passengers reported that the main wheel was actually successful in falling off of the aircraft.
Sources indicate that the pilot was advised to continue on to Grantley Adams International Airport following discussions with maintenance personnel.
The Leader In Airline Trauma, who advertises fares as low as $100 on its website, recently inked a $65M deal to finance an upgrade of its fleet; airline insiders say it can offer competitive fares because it spends less on airline maintenance and ancillary items such as staff training and wheels citing, on condition of anonymity, “When you’re in the air, wheels are not important, wings are.”
Part of the reason LIAT can offer such sub-stellar service is because they lack legitimate competition for intra-island travel. However, that may soon change as Aerogaviota Caribbean is poised to take over after recently launching flights between Havana, Cuba and Kingston, Jamaica. If LIAT is not carefully considerate, they may become the BlackBerry of the Caribbean airline industry, taking a rear, economy coach seat to Aerogaviota.
Oxford Wrongly Classifies ‘Twerking’ as a Dance, Rather Than Mental Illness
In other developments, the lovely gents responsible for the Oxford Dictionary have announced that future editions of the famous book of words will include the word Twerk(verb), which will be defined incorrectly as, “dancing to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.”
This is completely irresponsible on the part of Oxford as the phenomenon of twerking is CLEARLY a neuropsychiatric disorder that would be more appropriately identified within the tempered pages of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Twerking is not a dance; it is a part of a wide spectrum of tic disorders.
What is being characterized as “dancing” is actually a series of physical (motor) tics as seen in people with Tourrette syndrome. Like Tourette’s, twerking is no longer a rare condition, but it is still very much bizarre affecting mainly females as they pass through adolescence into adulthood.
Twerking in adulthood is a rarity, though it is often observed within the confines of many nightclubs where women “dance” on poles and in laps of patrons. Twerking in this instance is used as a catch and release method when the buttocks clenches and releases in an effort to keep hold of the paper currency, usually small denominations, that is being thrown at those exhibiting this disorder.
Twerking is not fatal and can be treated with exorcism.
Kenyan Woman-shortage Creates Happy Love Triangles
Kenyans have reportedly begun smoking the wrong end of the cannabis plant as demonstrated by two men allegedly agreeing to marry the same woman.
The woman, a widow with 2 children who has elected to remain anonymous, had been cheating on each suitor with the other for over 4 years as she simply ‘could not decide betwixt the two.’
To solve the problem, Sylvester Mwendwa and Elijah Kimani have agreed to share the unnamed Jezebel in matrimony to ‘keep the peace.’ In other words, one-a-mind-and-one-a-grind.
Local attorneys advised that the union would be legally recognised only in the event that polyandry (a form of slackness) was a proven part of their custom which, according to locals, it is not. However, a family lawyer indicated the trio may get away with their scheme as the law does not expressly forbid polyandry.
In this split-object triangle, the two men will move into her house and rotate husband duties. Mwendwa reportedly told BBC, “She is like the central referee. She can say whether she wants me or my colleague.”
I don’t know any man with fully descended testicles who would agree to such an arrangement. Do you? Chat back in the comments – unless you’re a voyeur, in which case, no pressure.
Revenge Porn, the New American Pastime
You know the story:
Girl meets boy
Girl dates boy
Boy asks girl for nude photo
Girl sends boy pic of the ‘dirty pillows’
Boy breaks up with girl
Boy retains custody of pic and shares on ‘revenge porn’ site
Girl gets trolled, and cries foul, etcetera, etcetera…
Such is the story of www.endrevengeporn.com’s founder, Holly Jacobs, who says her former boyfriend’s second personality emerged when he learned she was seeing someone new – a claim he denies. Civil and criminal charges are pending.
Apparently it is within every American’s right, except those in New Jersey where it is a felony, to pornify someone without getting their consent. While you cannot take nonconsensual pics legally, you can share them legally. After all, sharing is caring.
Why didn’t she get the photo taken down?
The website refused, invoking the First Amendment.
Why didn’t she go to the police?
Posting the pics did not meet the ‘harassing course of conduct’ requirement of the criminal harassment law.
Why didn’t she have the ex-boyfriend killed?
Because she had already left a trail leading back to her by performing steps a) and b) above.
My recommendation to you who like to immortalize yourself in naked selfies, ESPECIALLY YOU TEENAGE TWITS: Don’t allow anyone to possess compromising photos of you unless you are in possession of equally damning photos of them, ensuring mutual assured destruction.
In other news and contrary to popular belief, not everyone who advocates for the divine MJ do so because they want to be smoked-out, red-eyed potheads. It is a plant, like many others, with countless health benefits. A Jamaican scientist advocates for the proper, medicinal use of ganja – FINALLY!
Dr. Lowe, I need a word with you sir…
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Ciao!
And remember darlings, if you stop to throw a stick at every dog that barks at you, you’ll never reach your destination. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #HealthIsWealth #GodSaveTheQueen
Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Fortnight, Good Morrow lovelies! What a deliciously malicious week in the news! Speaking of malicious, Vladimir Putin seems to be falling out of everyone’s good graces at an alarming rate, starting with Barack Obama and Stephen Fry, yet he doesn’t seem terribly bothered. Her Majesty hasn’t been terribly bothered with me either. She’s been so preoccupied with Georgie Porgie that she has not been the least bit bothered by my burglary case. While I’ve been trying to prove my innocence, I’ve been watching the world’s headlines. They’re rather corrupt and a bit more maddening than usual. Wouldn’t you agree?
Sit back, share a morning cup of Earl Grey Goose tea with me, and catch up on the week in curious news.
Mugabe Touts Efficacy of Corruption, Says Ends Justify Means
“Do you think anybody would vote for me because I have a pretty smile and stylish wardrobe? Voters need to be compelled.”
Reigning king of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has been re-crowned in recent elections, though the opposition is crying foul, seeking redress from the courts.
Movement for Democratic Change has accused Mugabe and Zanu-PF of duplicating thousands of voter names and turning away opposition voters, among other fraudulent practices. They are calling for a new election by the end of this calendar year.
Mugabe was reportedly overheard saying, “There is no such thing as an honest government or election. If you want honesty/truth in government, you have to wait til you die and go to heaven, this is Africa!”
Peek-a-boo, We Hear You! Jamaica’s Covert Spying Operations Uncovered
Jamaican police and military forces have joined the ranks of other national governments who spy on its citizens as several agencies were found tapping the phones of its residents. When quizzed on their covert operations, authorities declined to comment on specifics like who was being spied on, how long they had been spying, and exactly what data they had gathered. However, they claimed that spying is done to preserve the island’s national security. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, reminded residents that personal privacy was a thing of the past that could no longer be guaranteed as a 7-year old amendment to the Interception of Communications Act allows them to spy on its citizens for a full week sans warrant from the court.
Here’s what some locals had to say:
Thank you Gleaner for that lovely footage. #GovtTooNuff
Chris Brown to Leave Music for Boxing Career
Condolences are in order for members of #TeamBreezy as the R&B musician, and friend of Twitter, announced to Mainstream America – you know who you are – his tentative retirement from the music industry. Citing “infamy fatigue” and constant comparisons to the late Ike Turner, Brown conceded there is never a right time to Say Goodbye, but decided it was in his best interest to “chuck up the Deuces.”
Could this be a publicity ploy for his forthcoming album, X, or is he serious? No one knows for certain, but sources close to the embattled singer say he is considering boxing or MMA fighting as his next career move. “No doubt he’s a good fighter.” #FloatLikeaButterflyStingLikeaB
Cyber Safety Act to Enforce Online Manners
Cyber-bullies are distressed over new Nova Scotia legislation that allows victims of bullying to sue; if the bully is a minor, the parents would become liable. If the bullying happens at school, the principal may become liable.
The new Cyber Safety Act loosely defines cyber bullying as any electronic communication that is reasonably expected to humiliate another person, or harm their “self-esteem…”
A conscientious observer noted,
Opponents of the law suggest this is a slippery slope due to the open interpretation of bullying that will be left to the victim. “Offense is taken, not given,” cited one cyber-bully. They’re arresting trolls now they want to sue bullies – what’s next, a law against ‘being mean?’
J-FLAG VS Queen Ifrica: Round I
During Jamaica’s recent Grand Gala event, held to celebrate their 51st year of independence from the monarchy, reggae performer, daughter of Ska legend Derrick Morgan, and devout Rastafarian Ventrice “Queen Ifrica” Morgan (nee Fyah Muma) took some of her performance time to plead with the nation’s prime minister not to repeal the current buggery (anti-sodomy) laws.
Ruffling Doctor Bird feathers seemed to be her intention as she spoke out against homosexuality and skin bleaching, and in favour of legalizing marijuana. In a move similar to popular dancehall artist Rodney “Bounty Killer” Price’s at a children’s fundraiser several years ago, Ifrica traded cheers for awkward silence when she verbally opposed Jamaica’s following what she called ‘international trends decriminalizing homosexuality.’ J-Flag is calling for the government to penalize artists’ use of indecent language, discriminatory rhetoric and the incitement of violence.
Ifrica said she was merely exercising her right to free speech.
Oh Yes She Did! – Emma Roberts Crashes Donut Line
*Disclaimer: We are not kind to celebs who think their status gives them preeminence above the rest of us. If this offends you, we’re sorry, and by ‘we’re sorry’ we mean, ‘you’ll get over it.’*
American actress Emma Roberts and her publicist were turned away when they attempted to reassign themselves from number 12,471 in a donut line to position number 2.
Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and niece of actress Julia Roberts, was at the tail end of a block-long line for the Gucci donuts when she decided, ‘I’m Emma Roberts bitches!’ and dragged her publicist to the entry way where a doorman sent them on their way. (Imagine, a donut shop so hip it has a doorman/bouncer, ah those New Yorkers!) She ended up leaving the line of young hipsters incessantly masturbating their iGadgets attempting to appear cool, hip, and edgy shortly after. The doorman admitted he was afraid of Roberts due to her recent arrest history for domestic battery, but was overheard saying, “I had a duty to protect and serve our donuts. They’re expensive y’know!”
Oprah Winfrey’s Swiss Diss
Once again, simple people have taken liberties with American TV personality and billionaire Oprah Winfrey, this time in Switzerland.
In town for singer Tina Turner’s nuptials, Oprah decided to go shopping sans entourage at one of those shicky micky boutiques – Trois Pommes. Upon asking to see a 35K Franc crocodile handbag – the appropriate thing to do with a nasty croc, make a bloody bag out of it – the sales attendant allegedly replied, “No. That’s too expensive. I’ll show you this one.” The store’s head, Trudy Goetz, said the employee did nothing wrong in being “too kind,” looking out for the financial resources of its potential clientele in these tough economic times.
While Goetz said no disciplinary action would be taken against the employee, the offending sales associate is reportedly being remanded to basic sales training 101 where she would relearn the art of actually selling expensive merchandise, not keeping it around as store decor.
Don-Dawn-Don, Transgender Wants to Be Man Again
He thought he was a woman trapped in a man’s body, but little did he know there was a man trapped inside the woman who was trapped inside that one body.
One fair day, Don Ennis announced to his wife that he was transgender and becoming a woman to be called Dawn. When “Dawn” fell into a weekend coma only to reawaken with breasts he did not remember acquiring, she decided she wanted to live life as a male once more. Ennis blamed his gender confusion on his mother – of course – saying she had fed him estrogen as a child.
Sources close to the matter cite “Dawn’s” inability to find fashionable shoes that fit as the real reason s/he shifted back to being male, plus those dreadful cramps! It’s a good thing he kept the penis.
Beef Surprise for Dinner? The Surprise is THAT’S NOT BEEF
In an effort to meet an increased global demand for meat, a scientist has created a beef patty – in a laboratory.
The lab-grown burger, comprised of red beet juice, saffron, and cattle stem cells, took 5 years and $332K to produce – not a likely contender for fast food magnate McDonald’s whose burgers are cheaper and faster to make.
The mad Dutch scientist responsible for the petri-burger, Mark Post, anticipates his creation will become a ‘viable alternative to animal meat production’ in another 20 years. Meanwhile, veggie burgers will have to do.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM! Will I or won’t I get off of house arrest? Be sure to tune in next week to see if I’m free, or at least to check out what you missed in world news.
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen
Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.
Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:
The World’s Best Getaway Cars
When choosing a getaway car, one has many considerations that facilitate making the best decision.
First, you must accept the reality that you will likely get stuck in traffic, so choosing a car that is petite is always a wise choice. A petite vehicle will allow you to weave effortlessly through congested areas.
Second, you must consider a vehicle with appropriate cargo space. If your intended spoils are greater in size than standard banknotes, a petite vehicle is not ideal.
Third, identification is inevitable. Sure, you can choose an average, neutral-coloured model, but those are usually made for moms and grads – not for those living on the edge, and let’s face it, getaway cars are exclusively for those who are teetering. Since you will most likely be spotted by some do-gooder seeking a reward, at least choose something stylish; this makes identification by helicopters above easier. Presentation is very important.
Escaping will no doubt involve a high speed chase, which means you will need a fast car, a very fast car.
Thanks Tracy, but no, I mean a really fast car.
If you are fortunate to get onto a main thoroughfare, like the Audubon, you will be able to evade capture, and possibly break the sound barrier. This is the most important factor when picking a getaway car – the need for speed.
Should the authorities apprehend you, your vehicle will likely be impounded and possibly sold to cover expenses related to chasing you; so why not have a car that can yield a high return? That’s just socially responsible. With those considerations laid bare, here are the best getaway cars, in no particular order, for your next heist.
Ascari A10 – While not the fastest, this can clock in at 220 mph, going from 0-60 in 2.8 seconds, with 625 horses and only $650,000.
Aston Martin One-77 can move as quickly as 220 mph, and is available at the non-recession price of almost 2M. Hmm, if I could afford this, I probably wouldn’t be pulling off a heist atall. Thank you Jonsibal.com for that lovely photo.
The Bugatti Veyron Super Sport – alas, a girls TRUE best friend (diamonds, my arse!) This is my personal favourite, and naturally the most expensive at the non-recession price in excess of 2.4M. It is THE FASTEST, clocking in at 267 mph, going from 0-60 in 2.4 seconds with 1,200 diligent horses. This one is sure to make any heist more enjoyable.
Lamborghini Aventador – named after a bull, yeah? Alright, well, its certainly a slower getaway vehicle, but definitely a quicker ride than that tricycle you’ve been considering. At 220 mph, you can still escape determined police authorities if needful, and in the recession price range of a little more than a quarter of a million, it’s the most practical choice for those on a budget.
Named after a fictional wind character, this Pagani Huayra comes with only 720 horses at a steep price in excess of 1M. Not the most economical, but still a contender for getting away in as little as 3 seconds.
The Gumpert Apollo is a curious selection for a getaway vehicle as it can – albeit allegedly – drive UPSIDE DOWN in a tunnel if driven over 190 mph. The top clock is 223 mph, so you’d have to be driving at maximum speed to float like a butterfly in this car. I’d like to see this demonstrated first before I put any scrilla down. Otherwise, I’d be back at the Bugatti counter.
What are you waiting for? Turn the key and take off! I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen
Editor’s note: This report contains no explicit language that readers may find offensive. My apologies.
As I sit calmly enjoying my full English breakfast complete with a healthy serving of Early Grey Goose tea, I ponder one of life’s many conundrums: why do men have nipples? I also wonder why, after scouring and devouring the news from all over our fair globe, why haven’t I read of my own legal troubles in the Daily Mail? Why hasn’t Piers Morgan reported on former FBNN news reporter Sunshine deMorning’s arrest? Is it because Her Majesty has decided that there shall be no report of my situation? Is this the intent of a cover-up? Have I slipped unknowingly into the bum-crack of a major scandal? But enough about me; where are my manners?
Top of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill: Only Little People Pay Taxes
This week, American Grammy-winner Lauryn Hill decided she was ‘ready for the show’ as she presented to a minimum security prison in Danbury, Connecticut to serve a 3 month sentence for tax evasion. Her attorney could be overheard saying, “If I ruled the world, Ms. Hill, a mother of 6, would have received probation, but the prosecution sought to settle the score by giving my client prison time instead.”
In some media reports, Hill has been portrayed as just another millionaire elitist who feels the sweetest thing was pocketing the taxes on over $2M USD of income. The prosecuting attorney echoed the sentiment when she lauded Hill’s charity work, but called her defense “a parade of excuses centering around her feeling put upon,” to which the Fu Gee La singer responded, “Everything is everything.”
Big Brother Cited for Discriminatory Practices, GinaMarie Zimmerman: I’m Racist Too!
Big Brother 15 contestant GinaMarie Zimmerman is crying foul after the show caved to public pressure and aired the dirty laundry of only one of its most infamous housemates, 22 year old Aaryn Gries. Zimmerman took umbrage at the show’s montage highlighting Gries’ racially inappropriate commentary directed to an Asian housemate (she was recorded telling Korean-American housemate, Helen Kim, to “shut up, go make some rice”) and a homosexual housemate (who she referred to as “that queer”) while excluding her own racially inappropriate comments, which were directed at an African American housemate (“Be careful what you say in the dark because you might not be able to see the b@!$#.”)
Sources cite Gries’ ability to verbally degrade two groups of people made her not only an “equal opportunity racist”, but also more palatable as a reality TV villain, whereas Zimmerman’s singular comment just made her seem like a hater, leading to her verbal indiscretions being omitted from the show’s montage.
Consequently, both Gries and Zimmerman have lost their employment since the comments were made public. In an effort to rebound financially, the two have been exploring ways tomake money selling drugs.
Drug work is work. I am not personally advocating this type of work, as it is lucrative yet very dangerous – much like working for the NSA. You must however, make your own decisions.
By the way, Kate is still very much impregnated. The sperm has indeed hit the egg, but the fetus has not yet left the stall.
GlobalPerception of Corruption Increases, Now on Par With Actual Corruption
In other news, the annual survey, Global Corruption Barometer, conducted by Berlin-based Transparency International (TI) recently published its findings that reveal people’s perception of, and participation in, corruption. More than half of the 114,000 respondents believe that corruption has increased in recent times. The survey also showed that the greasiest palms belong to politicians, police, and the judiciary. Additionally, the survey found that water is indeed wet.
According to the survey, 27% of respondents paid a bribe during the past year to access public services. 2/3 had been asked to pay a bribe, but refused citing poverty. 51 countries identified political parties as the most corrupt institution. Huguette Labelle, TI’s Chair, indicated that people actually believed they had the power to stop corruption. Those people were also identified as believing that reindeer know how to fly. For more on TI’s findings as well as a map of the countries who pay the most in bribes, click here.
The US’ Afghan Problem:Love Don’t Live Here No More, Obama Pulling Out
After spending well over a decade in Afghanistan, US President Barack Obama has threatened to completely remove all US troops from the nation citing, “failure to colonize” following a row with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.
The proverbial bloom fell off the rose when the US’ attempts to negotiate with the Taliban were met by Karzai’s stern disapproval. Karzai reportedly accused the United States of “trying to negotiate a separate peace with both the Taliban and their backers in Pakistan”, which could result in an open door to Afghanistan’s enemies. Sources close to the US state that President Obama was merely trying to get the Taliban to reduce the taxes on opium; the Taliban has been known to control up to 96% of Afghanistan’s poppy fields, driving up the price of heroin throughout the world.
CNN Chief National Correspondent John King indicated senior administration officials regard dealing with Karzai as being on par with “dealing with a child”, leaving a very frustrated President Obama.
Faced with the ‘zero-option’ threat during his last talk with President Obama, a defiant Karzai responded,
as he ended talks with the US.
While various foreign affairs pundits are confident that negotiations between Obama and Karzai will continue, it is also believed that Karzai is confident that he now holds the upper hand as a complete pullout would put the United States at a strategic disadvantage in a volatile region and greatly reduce American access to reduced-rate oil and heroin.
Top 3 Ways to Fly Under the Radar of Government Spies – well, there are really 10 but I picked the top 3
In light of new revelations that France spies on its citizens, the following public service announcement is in order:
According to a report in French publication, Le Monde, French security service Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, like the US, has also been engaging in the naughty practice of monitoring its citizens’ calls, texts, emails, and internet searches from its underground headquarters. The revelation supports French President Francois Hollande’s position of hypocrisy following his faux outrage at US interception of French communications.
If you are like me, and you like to frustrate the authorities and challenge their policies, then Australian lecturer James H. Hamlyn-Harris has ways for citizens of the free world to decrease your government’s ability to spy on you on the internet.
Phone texts and emails are generally not secure and Microsoft, accused of collaborating with NSA and FBI by famed whistle-blower Edward Snowden, monitors your Skype chat. Explore a service that can offer web encryption and phone applications that can encrypt text messages.
Hamlyn-Harris’ recommended approach is using a serious encryption system scrambles the hell out of file contents with a strong algorithm.
And as in most, if not all, forms of life
Hamlyn-Harris cites, “The only way to be sure is to encrypt your files before they leave your computer. Don’t use the provider’s encryption software. Use open source software.”
Aaannndd…yes, that Middleton woman is still pregnant.
China Makes $1B Down-payment on African Country
In its continued quest for world domination, China recently “loaned” the oil-rich Nigerian government $1.1B at a low interest under the guise of ‘infrastructure-building.’ The funds are said to be going towards building up airport terminals, roads, and transportation.
Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China was quoted as saying, “China and Nigeria had been brought together by a common task of pursuing national development.” However, sources close to the matter indicate that Jinping was referring only to China’s national development, not Nigeria’s.
Although China plans to conquer the world, the country does not show much animosity. During a Christmas visit abroad, Jinping even wrote to Santa that China had the world’s best interests at heart and his impact on Nigeria’s oil industry will in no way resemble King Leopold’s impact on Congo’s rubber industry.
Myanmar’s Military Problem: Kids Will Be Kids
In other news, Myanmar, a nation long riddled with accusations of human rights abuses has reportedly released 42 children from its armed forces in an effort to decrease the number of child soldiers and appease the UN.
While no conclusive data exists identifying just how many child soldiers are in the nation’s employ, sources estimate the actual number is closer to 5,000, causing some to criticize the country as merely seeking international support and doing little in return. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have been quoted as saying the real reason the 42 children were released was due to the pint sized soldiers “talking back, throwing tantrums, and whining. You know, acting like children.”
Kate, I do believe you’re taking this thing a bit too far.
Serco & G4S Charge Government for Monitoring Dead Offenders, Defends “Cost-sharing”
A recent PricewaterhouseCoopers audit has revealed that government contractors Serco and G4S have been overcharging for monitoring criminals, particularly ones who have been deceased for an extended period of time. Sources close to the firms cite that it simply cost more to monitor persons who live in other worlds.
Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was quoted as saying, “There has been a small number of cases where charging continued for a period when the subject was known to have died” which means there was a large number of cases, but admitting so would reflect badly on him.
Although companies being contracted to manage criminals often require fraud investigations themselves, the Secretary of State is considering integrating more private companies with the criminal justice system, citing a clear conscience with employing rats to watch government cheese as long as it’s at a reduced rate.
Yes, Kate is still pregnant.
Texas Teen Jailed for Sarcasm Released on Bond
19 year-old Justin Carter has been temporarily released from jail on $500K USD bond after 5 months; the charge: making terrorist threats, i.e. sarcasm.
In February, the youth was engaged in a Facebook feud over a video game. When the other party called Justin “crazy”, he verbally retaliated with, “I’m f@#%$ in the head alright. I’ma [sic] shoot up a kindergarten and watch the blood of the innocent rain down and eat the beating heart of one of them” followed immediately by internet idioms, “LOL” and “J/K”, meaning ‘laughing out loud’ and ‘just kidding’, respectively.
An unidentified woman, allegedly living in Canada, sought out Carter’s information online, found his address and linked police to his residence.
If convicted, he faces a 10 year prison term – for sarcasm.
Meanwhile, authentic terrorists everywhere are offended.
Snowden Has Re-requested Russian Asylum, Now Promises to Behave
Edwhistleblower Snowden, who remains in limbo in a Russian airport transit area, has petitioned Russia to stay “until such time as these (Western) states accede to law and my legal travel is permitted.” The former NSA contractor no longer has legal travel documents that would permit him to travel to Venezuela, one of the countries that gladly offered him asylum.
Many believe that since the entire world is watching, the time has come for Snowden to face his accusers. The US has been putting a considerable amount of pressure on nations in an effort to flush him back to the States to face espionage charges. Snowden has, in turn, made a citizen’s arrest by reportedly indicating he wants the US to also face charges of violating the Fourth Amendment for searching and seizing citizens’ personal information sans warrant or probable cause.
It would appear, Mr. Obama that you and your administration are under arrest. However, your pursuit of Mr. Snowden, in tandem with major media outlets reporting on said-pursuit, has been a major success in distracting the public from the main elephant – PRISM.
And yes, Kate is…o’ never mind.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Cheeribum! Be sure to check out Mexico’s Parque Eco Alberto’s Nightwalk theme park attraction and experience what its like to run for the border! Nightwalk simulates an illegal border crossing from Mexico into the United States. Fun, fun, fun!
And remember darlings, when the question is, “Why?” the answer is always “Money.” Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen