CARICOM, Suriname and Haiti Sue the UK for Illions and Illions in Reparations
There’s no better time to collect on a debt than during a recession. Represented by Leigh Day – a Brit law firm (no irony there) – CARICOM, alongside Haiti and Suriname, have filed suit against France, Britain, and the Netherlands for reparations. The lawsuit filed seeks unspecified damages for the slave trade, resulting in what CARICOM says is persistent poverty that pervades the nations today.
At the very least, Haiti is entitled to some sort of unending financial compensation as France so royally screwed them sans lubricant following France’s defeat during the uprising that resulted in Haiti’s independence. Imagine being required to pay reparations to French slaveholders for the impact your freedom would have on their economy.
No word on how the UK will respond, but sources close to the matter expressed disappointment in the lack of gratitude exhibited by CARICOM and its constituency for all their former colonisers have done for them, namely first world civilization, lending itself to a better life than they would be experiencing had they been left to their own devices in Africa. “They were rewarded with citizenship in some of the greatest nations established on the face of the earth.”
It would be easier for the Victoria Beckham to eat carbs than it would be for Britain to pay reparations as – brace yourself – the Queen Mum is broke! Not Martha Stewart broke, MC Hammer broke. Yes, that’s right lovelies, no mas dinero.
Recessions and economic crises are no respecter of persons. Even Royals go through lean times.
Broke Queen Mum Receives Stimulus Package from Taxpayers to Keep Her Afloat
The aging monarch is said to have shifted her focus from the national economy to that of her personal pan handling campaign after she spent all her money on Adwords with only 14 clicks and no conversions, reducing her disposable cash to almost nothing. As a result, the wonderfully unsuspecting BritCitz have decided to give HRH a pay raise – of 22% as a royal stimulus package. Poor ting, she is said to be down to her last £1M in savings. That means that Rhianna has a net worth higher than Her Majesty.
Honestly, how is a Royal supposed to maintain a palace and a castle with such an allowance? That Sovereign Grant is not even enough for the cucumber sandwiches with the crust cut off, especially with almost £20M going to her dutiful staff of 436 precious bastards; those making over £21K have not received a pay raise in 2 years in a cost-cutting measure.
The economic stimulus is said to bring her a mere £37.9M to run her summer and winter palaces as well as finance her travel and accommodations locally and abroad.
Craig Robinson’s Puff-Puff-Pass Incident, Pleads Guilty to Potheadery in the Bahamas
American comedic actor Craig Robinson was deported from the Bahamas this week following his SECOND drug bust. America news outlets are humbly downplaying the incident as ‘minor’ by describing the amount of The Divine Herb Robinson was carrying as ‘small.’
Robinson was on the island paradise performing Craig Robinson LIVE at Atlantis. He reportedly told the magistrate that he did not know ganja was illegal in the Bahamas.
News outlets report that Robinson, who was apprehended with ½ gram of The Divine Herb and 18 ectsasy pills, ‘looked calm.’ Of course he looked calm; he smoked a grand bag of ganja chased by an undisclosed amount of happy pills. By the time he was apprehended, all he had left was a ½ gram. In paying the $1K fine, Robinson avoided a 4 year term of incarceration.
5 years ago Robinson was arrested for possession of ecstasy and meth, however the charges were dismissed following Robinson’s completion of a diversion program, which obviously did not have any lasting effects.
Spritz Before You Shit, PooPourri Voodoo Makes Poo in the Loo Smell Like Roses
Yes friends and countrymen, a product exists that removes the signature smell of your shite and replaces it with happy, warm, inviting fragrances, hiding what you’ve actually been doing on the crapper for the past 30 minutes – playing Battle Shit.
Available for about £20 you too can trap a crap like a boss, or just shit pretty.
I personally think its wrong to remove the natural smell of shite for a prettier smell. If I want rose or orange scented shite, I’ll eat roses with my mimosas. Completely deceptive. After it comes out of that long, dark tunnel, its supposed to smell like toxic waste, not like an afternoon at Grandma’s. But you can’t go by me, there are already over 4M vials sold.
Perhaps its intended for shitting in public arenas…
Cyrus’ Dancing Bear Cries Size-ploitation Following VMAs
After being cast as a backup dancer for that Cyrus girl based on her diminutive stature and of course dancing ability, “Dancing Bear #5” (nee Hollis Jane) is experiencing what some would call post-check-clearing-regrets.
In an effort to ‘break into the industry’, Dancing Bear accepted the role with ‘great hesitation’ but admits the money looked too good to deny. Hollis is now being singled for what some are calling faux outrage at being objectified for her height. Hecklers say what she claims to only have discovered now she should have figured out during rehearsals.
In reading her blog, A Bunch of Dumb Show – On Being a Little Person, in its entirety, she just seems to be suffering from the Life in LA Blues, where an actress struggles for years on end trying to ‘make it big,’ We all know Hollywood is given to the young/young-looking, tall, blonde with ever-inflatable boobage. So my advice to Dancing Bear #5 – keep going; you’ll get there one day and swallow you’re regret. Bills will always need to get paid.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad.
Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen
US Congress Invokes Indefinite Federal Holiday for Government Employees Against Their Will
What is the problem, you may ask. Here it is: Democrats are refusing any stopgap spending bill to fund the government that comes with strings attached. Republicans are refusing to back away from attempts to cock-block the newly implemented health care law.
The longer the government remains closed, the closer America comes to fiscal calamity of Biblical proportions when the government hits their debt ceiling on the 17th of this month.
Over 8 million women and children risk of not getting supplemental aid and patients with terminal diseases have been turned away from national clinics.
I guess the saying is true – when elephants play, the grass gets trampled.
Well, it looks as though we’ve come to the end of the road, mates.
No, not that road, Silk Road Marketplace (SRM).
On October 1st the Federal Government was shut down, On October 2nd Silk Road Marketplace was shut down – seems shutdown is the name of the game in the States right now.
Pharmaceutical consumers from all around the world are mourning the loss of a major supplier of goods and services, namely Silk Road. Yes, the US’ Federal Bureau of Investigation has shut down the illicit marketplace and taken its owner/operator, DPR, into custody. DPR has retained a lawyer, a public defender, which assures he will most certainly be off to prison shortly.
Subscribers who were once able to buy drugs and have them shipped to any address, bolstering shipping and postal industries, will now be forced to return to dangerous, shadowy back alleys to complete their transactions. SRM sold a variety of goods and services including heroin and The Divine Herb, and offered educational tutorials in hacking, but it prohibited the sale of anything that had with it the intention to harm or defraud – namely child porn, WMD and stolen credit cards/identities.
SRM, which ran on the Onion net/TOR making it was difficult to track, was also responsible for over 1B (9.5M BTC) in sales, which though it was all “dirty” money, sullied skrilla, the US government will demand and extract their unfair share beginning at DPR’s trial which has yet to be put on the calendar.
DPR, nee Ross William Ulbricht, was no ordinary entrepreneur however. He was an overachiever with a degree in material sciences who, according to doting parents, successfully completed a thesis on – wait for it – Growth of EuO Thin Films by Molecular Beam Epitaxy.
You’ll undoubtedly see reports on how ‘the FBI brought down DPR.’ Know that these reports are disingenuous and at the very least, false. DPR was not caught through NSA spying or Government Intel; he was found out by way of his own stupidity and sloppiness. Asking IT professionals in the bitcoin (BTC) community to contact you via firstname.lastname@example.org was just mindless. He would have done well to view Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs in which everyone’s name was a colour.
DPR also violated the Scarface Rule of never getting high on your own supply when he ordered and received fake IDs in 9 different names all with his picture on them – stupid, even if you are planning to use them to rent additional site servers. This shipment was found by the authorities. But to all you subscribers to SRM, relax. He’s not dead, only mostly-dead. Now if he was all-dead there’s only one thing you can do: go through his pockets and look for loose change. Oh, the Feds are already doing that. Nevermind.
Elsewhere in our former colony, motorists behaving badly…
Crotch-rockets, they call them, are motorbikes, not feminine toys, and by now you may (or may not) have seen shocking footage from the helmet-cam of a biker riding one of these crotch things. Gotham City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly indicated over 200 calls from motorists came in around the time of the ‘incident’ to complain about the reckless manner in which the bikers on these crotch things were driving on the roadway.
In the video, a driver can be seen running over what is originally thought to be a bike, but unfortunately turned out to be a biker who suffered fractures in all of his ribs, a crushed spine, and bruised lungs as well as possible paralysis of his lower extremities.
You all know the story:
Swarm of bikers descend on unsuspecting motorists
Biker cuts SUV off
Biker cannot calculate time x distance and suddenly brakes for no apparent reason
Biker gets bumped as SUV stops
Bikers swarm SUV
Motorist feels threatened and peels off through the street, catching unwitting biker undertow
Bikers follow in hot pursuit
Bikers attack driver
The moral of the story here kids is: Don’t play chicken with someone bigger than you.
Clearly the biker who cut in front of the SUV is the one who initiated the fracas, ultimately causing the injuries sustained by the other unfortunate biker. But don’t take my word for it; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Earl Grey Goose tea. See for yourself.
After viewing the footage, the bikers instigated the incident and the poor bloke who got run over was caught up in the melee. The driver could not have reasonably been expected to do things differently, could he?
Commandments for Chinese Tourists: Thou Shalt Not Embarrass Thy Country by Picking Thy Nose in Public
Now that China has much of the world’s money, its residents are traveling abroad to see which lands remain unconquered. Chinese expenditures abroad are topping out at over 100B annually.
To maintain Chinese status quo, officials in the country have issued a rule book on how to be Chinese abroad, the Guidebook for Civilized Tourism. The rules include not pissing in pools and stealing life jackets from air crafts – who does that anyway?
Notice how the faces are pale and the hair has that euro- coif? Yep, that’s the general underlying rule – blend in as much as possible with the nation’s bourgeoisie as much as possible.
Morocco’s Great Kiss-off
Who knew in our 21st century that this:
The young couple – 14 & 15 – who learned the hard way are currently detained in separate juvenile facilities after a local news outlet dry snitched by printing a copy of the photo which catches them in violation of a public decency law. The kissing bandits who sparked several copycat photos on Facebook are due in court next week.
Short and Sweet this week lovelies, running with the ankle monitor to catch the tail end of Oktoberfest so that’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM!
And remember darlings, Babylon System is the vampire. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen
Well, the toast of the town and the post of the week awards appear to go to the man with the stone expression Vladimir Putin. With 24-hour news channels, 3G, 4G, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, et al, Vlad writes a post in a New York periodical due to “insufficient communication” between the societies. Could he have not just picked up the phone?
In perusing the piece, I agreed on some points, was perplexed by some, and amused by some. I agree that a US strike against Syria would result in more violence, not less. Putin’s announcement that Russia was not protecting the Syrian government, but rather the laws of the lands made me chuckle as we all know there exists a sort of brotherhood between he and Assad, and perhaps rightfully so as they are terribly close in proximity. What affects one will undoubtedly affect the other.
Can one argue the suggestion of exceptionalism in America, who has long suffered from egocentrism and at times arrogance serving as the world’s self-appointed police officer flitting about the world trying to colonise territories with histories, traditions, and religions that run counter to the American concept of democracy all in the name of oil freedom? Are Americans really satisfied with their involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq? But you can’t go by me; I’m only on my 2nd cup of Early Grey Goose tea.
Top of the evening to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?
Jamaican Bad Apples Spoiling the Whole Bunch in Barbados, Drug Mules Creating Division Between Islands
If you are a Jamaican national attempting to gain entry into Barbados with a Jamaican passport and you get this look from customs officials,
don’t take it personally. Blame it instead on your fellow Jamaican travelers.
Apparently Jamaicans smuggle so much weed onto the popular Caribbean island, they need their own resident lawyer. Jamaican native Jaydene Thomas, who currently practices law in Barbados, has grown weary with her post of pleading cases for Jamaican smugglers and mules on what she says has become a weekly basis. Following her work with a young, pregnant mule who ingested drugs, Thomas says that fellow Jamaicans who utilize the court’s frequent flyer program add to the negative view about Jamaicans and result in non-smuggling Jamaicans being denied entry – over 1,400 were denied entry in the last 5 years – or gaining entry, but being subjected to less than sociable treatment by officials.
Seemingly Jamaicans are very persistent entrepreneurs who are simply trying to fill an obvious demand that originates within Barbados’ borders. Apparently there is no ganja growing in Barbados, and Jamaicans have merely stepped in to fill the void.
NSA Sends CSEC Floral Bouquet, Thankful for Decryption Capabilities
We all know by now that the NSA is spying on everyone in the universe and that blocking their attempts seems almost futile unless you have certain handy tips outlined in my July 13 post. However, that has changed with the entrance of Canada’s Communications Security Establishment (CSEC) into the open cadre of super-spies alongside the likes of the International Man of Mystery, England’s finest.
CSEC enabled NSA to decrypt data that you worked so hard to encrypt. All that porn, those photos you thought disappeared on Snapchat, the shipment of cocaine you’ve been plotting, all your money laundering, and all that international espionage you’ve been busying yourself with between naps is all laid bare before Big Brother – and all it took was a little ‘finessing.’ The reality of the situation is that CSEC released control of the standards process to NSA actually hoping the news would leak in an effort to distract Canadians from noticing they are actively being watched by CSEC sans warrants either directly or through its consortium of spies inclusive of the US, UK, Australia, and New Zealand better known by their mafia name – the Five Eyes. Yes, thank you CSEC, thank you.
Japan Pissed at Being France’s Newest Victim of Cartoon Cruelty
Japan’s Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga is crying foul over an unflattering animation in French publication Le Canard Enchaine that portrayed the ill-effects of the Fukushima nuclear meltdown – skinny, mutated sumo wrestlers – in honour of Japan’s win to host the 2020 Olympics.
After almost 3 years, tens of thousands of residents still have not been able to return to their homes due to the nuclear disaster that struck the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Radioactive waste is said to still be seeping into the nearby grounds. While Prime Minister Shinzo Abe assured the International Olympic Committee that he and his team had the situation “under control,” Suga reportedly told BBC, “This kind of journalism gives the wrong impression about the waste water problem.”
We agree. Just ask the 3-eyed fish growing pubic hair in the waters nearby.
China Continues Spending Spree, Puts $16M Deposit Down on Barbados
Cheapside Market, Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, and the Wildey Gymnasium have been held up as shining examples of the economic progress and improvements Barbados’ residents have enjoyed as a result of partnership between the island and the People’s Republic of China. Construction and infrastructure development throughout the island has been done through Chinese grants and interest-free loans. But we all know that while the loans are interest free, nothing is really free when money is attached.
China has been placing holding deposits all over the globe with down payments made in Nigeria, Barbados, parts of the US, and more recently, Jamaica’s Goat Island. Forget learning Spanish in school, we recommend learning Mandarin.
Things White Nuts Say, Germany’s Petty Colour Problems
Its election time in Germany and almost all eyes are fixed on Merkel, who has suffered a recent dip in polls while challenger Steinbrück is quietly creeping upwards. An ad firm employed by the Italian company responsible for Ferrero Rochers, you know, those little hazelnut candies with the chocolate filling that come in gold wrapped balls, took ad-vantage of election season and used it as a theme in a commercial for Ferrero Kusschen.
Yes, a big-ass talking chocolate box at an election rally heralding, “We want white Ferrero Küsschen forever.” Enthusiasts hold placards reading, “Yes Weiss Can”, meaning Yes White Can, “Weiss Nuss Bleiben” meaning White Nuts Stay, and “Germany Votes White.” Critics’ complaints that the advert is racist and xenophobic resulted in Ferrero preemptively removing the ad in lieu of waiting for consumers to weigh in.
Ferrero insists they were talking about chocolate, not people. Of course they were talking about chocolates; there aren’t any other voting options in Germany other than white as Karamba Diaby is still being primed.
I mean, adverts can’t be racist, can they? Take for instance this one,
or this one,
or this one,
or this one,
No. Adverts can’t be racist, that’s pure rubbish.
Do you think the Ferrero Kusschen advert is subtly xenophobic as critics claim? Chat back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, keep calm and carry on.
In other news, though summer season is winding down, the Burkini (and Veilkini) continues to make splashes in some German communities following a ruling by a German court requiring a young lass to take part in school swimming lessons. While some of her Muslim classmates are already wearing the modest swim attire, the stellar student’s Moroccan parents argued the lessons run counter to their faith practices and principles of modesty. The 13 year old wants to swim, but separate from boys as she says Islam prohibits her from wearing a swimsuit in the presence of males, and seeing males topless.
The burkini, seen below, has previously been modeled by our very own Nigella Lawson. I personally celebrate modest apparel, but I don’t think I could pull this off, do you?
Elsewhere, German nightclubs have fallen under the watchful eye of the keepers of political correctness for what some are calling racist door policies after a local student of Kurdish descent filed a lawsuit because he was denied entry to top hotspot Agostea.
A judge awarded the student €1K as a result of Agostea’s infraction, violating the 2006 General Equal Treatment Law.
A bouncer on duty the night of the alleged incident reportedly told the well-coiffed plaintiff that, “The boss doesn’t want foreigners to come in.”
My outrage at this incident should be obvious.
Did your boss tell you to tell ‘foreigners’ he didn’t want them to come in, dumbass?
That’s akin to a kid answering a ringing home phone and the parent instructing them to tell the person on the other end that the parent is not at home. The kid answers and politely tells the caller, ‘Mi mum said to tell you she’s not here.’
Honestly, I’m not defending ‘racist’ door policies, but many of us know that nightclubs sell exclusivity when they are building their brand by setting atmosphere in their venues. Usually this is achieved by only letting ‘pretty people’ inside, you know, the skinny, shiny, happy, rich-looking people. Would the student in question have upset the atmosphere at Agostea? Dunno, perhaps; perhaps not, but the mere fact that one can sue an establishment and be awarded this amount of skrilla makes all nightclubs vulnerable and soon they could be closing their doors completely. A racist door policy is hard to prove under the current nightclub theme of exclusivity, except in cases of racist bouncers revealing their boss’ racist policies. Similar cases are pending in 5 other regions.
A lawyer for the club is said to be appealing the ruling as he has footage from inside the club that shows while it wasn’t a total blackout, it wasn’t just a white party either.
Perhaps we should all take a page out of Peer Steinbrück’s book and start our own clubs.
Have you been to Agostea? What’s the real deal? Enquiring minds want to know.
Church of Scotland Considering Banning Heterosexual Weddings
Despite blessed assurances by the Scottish government regarding protections for religious bodies not amenable to conducting homosexual wedding ceremonies, the Church of Scotland has made alternate arrangements.
In a preemptive strike against potential litigation involving its ministers who would be refusing to officiate homosexual wedding ceremonies, the CoS is considering ceasing officiating all weddings, both hetero- and homosexual alike citing, ‘if we discriminate against everyone, then its fair.’
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – HIDEY HO! And remember darlings, when the question is ‘why?’ the answer is always ‘money.’
Enjoy the weekend, and this video from Slinger “Mighty Sparrow” Francisco who IS NOT DEAD, but remains in serious condition in a NY hospital.
I sit, I ponder breakfast and underwear choices, and therefore, I am.
I think Her Majesty has poisoned me as I quiver to overcome another round of physical ailments, this one in the form of Verti Go-go, limiting my ability to report on the news, and again missing this week’s version of Mid-week Mash-ups. Me thinks she’s still feeling particularly affronted by the Wickedest Dub steps Edition; I’ve got a cure for that – MORE DUBSTEP, at a time of my own choosing.
But enough about me; where are my manners?
Bottom of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?
G20 Summit: Boys Behaving Badly
While the top 20 world powers gathered to discuss trade and economic issues, the G20 quickly devolved into a schoolyard war of words over Syria, who has become the hot girl all the hypermachismos are fighting over. Putin, Obama, Cameron and Kerry have all taken center stage.
It ended up being China, Russia, and the Pope vs America and England with the former stating, ‘There is no military solution to current Syrian atrocities’ which is code for ‘You are going to eff up oil prices for everyone if you go in there.’
German Chancellor Angela Merkel remains skeptical that Putin and Obama can meet on middle ground. Meanwhile, our very own and splendid David Cameron was merely being goaded into action by a Putin spokesman who stated, “Britain is a small island – nobody pays any attention to them apart from the Russian oligarchs who have bought up Chelsea” to which Cameron replied, “Very interesting. With the greatest respect, I hear what you’re saying.” Translated, that means ‘That’s clearly nonsense. You’re an idiot, and I shan’t discuss this any further.’
Cameron was also quick to point out that the ‘small island’ has colonized the entire universe and would do so again if Putin continued to ‘pop off at the mouth.’
While the elephants play, the grass continues to get trampled.
China’s ‘Brother Watch’ Does Time for Corruption
Shaanxi’s former work safety director Yang Dacai, widely known for his penchant for expensive timepieces, has been sentenced to 14 years imprisonment following a daylong trial in which he was found guilty of accepting bribes to the tune of ¥250K. He also had property valued at over ¥5M that clearly could not have been covered by his modest salary.
The trial came on the heels of the ruling Communist Party’s Discipline Inspection Commission’s investigation, which found Dacai guilty of inappropriate ‘smiling face’ behaviour’. Inappropriate smiling is considered a grievous offense as it resulted in Dacai being relieved of his duties.
Onlookers are said to be shocked at the outcome as corruption is almost unheard of in the region.
Non-historic Alphabet Meeting Takes Place as KKK Meets with NAACP
NAACP President Ben Jealous has reportedly had his share of headaches since taking the helm of the oldest civil rights organization in America, but Casper, Wyoming Chapter President Jimmy Simmons seemed to be the prince of all headaches when he decided to have a fireside chat with the neighbouring Klu Klux Klan.
In response to a series of recent assaults on black men – who all were with white women at the time – Simmons invited the United Klans of America (UKA) organizer, John Abarr, to meet with him. Simmons’ group reportedly wanted to be assured that his constituents would be free to date white women openly without fear of retribution by the KKK.
Both Democratic groups met under heavy security in the tiny town behind locked doors to discuss, among other things, the assaults. However, the meeting did little to advance any common ground between the two as Abarr, who ranks as a kleagle (not to be confused with kegel) seemed to eschew the violent history of his organization. This is seen by many as unfortunate as so many virtuous things come in black and white:
Brownies & Vanilla Ice Cream
Beautifully tickled piano keys
Seal & Heidi, wait, no, um…nevermind.
The meeting ended with Abarr completing a membership application to join the NAACP inclusive of $30 application fee and an additional $20 donation to the organization.
Sources close to the situation state that Simmons was reportedly miffed that Abarr did not extend the olive branch of Klan membership to him in return. Abarr is said to have responded that enrollment is open to those who ‘look/are white,’ adding that Ben Jealous would be eligible to join the UKA.
The historic meeting is also said to be the subject of an upcoming TV movie starring American comedians Will Ferrell and Katt Williams.
‘No Afro’ Zone, Covenant University Implements Puritan Dress Code
In an effort to reduce student enrollments and agitate fashionistas, Covenant University, located in Nigeria’s Ota, Ogun State, has employed a revised dress code which expressly forbids, among other things, jeans, shoes with high heels, and short skirts, and by short they mean anything that is above mid-calf in length as seen here:
Also forbidden is “afro-looking or bushy hair,” and females desiring to wear traditional Nigerian attire may do so outside of lecture and examination halls.
The new rules have an impact on male students as well. Jewelry, beards, and tattoos are all strictly prohibited. If prospective students have tattoos, they must declare them upon admission.
Reach Out and Dutch Someone? Woman Walks Out on Bill without Paying Fair Share, Date Holds BB as Ransom
When Fakhara Sultana met her Zoosk date for drinks, she so believed in chivalry that she allegedly left the house without any money in her purse.
When Kishore Nimmala met his Zoosk date for drinks, he believed in feminism and gender equality.
Unfortunately, the two were meeting each other, and even the stars knew this evening would not end well.
The date has ended, but the resulting criminal trial remains ongoing as Nimmala has been charged with theft for reportedly taking Sultana’s phone and holding it for ransom for not paying her fair share of the £54 pound bar tab they ran up together.
Who leaves the house for a date without any cash?? Do you? Chat-back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, no pressure.
Japan Fights Internet Addiction by Hosting Concentration Camps
Japan’s Education Ministry has introduced what they are calling ‘internet fasting camps’ in an effort to get its youth to unplug and join the real world. Over 500K students are said to be at risk of problems such as declining grades, cyberstalking and slut-shaming. Students, however, are reported to prefer texting to talking in person and playing internet version of games than those same games with another individual in a face to face setting.
The camps are said to be in operation by next year.
Textos Prohibidos, Is it that Serious?
If you didn’t catch that, Adriana Andrade tried to keep her boyfriend from reading her text messages, but he was so persistent that the only way she could be successful was to swallow her cellphone. Yes, you read that right, and no, we didn’t make that up – we didn’t have to!
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!
As a reminder and public service announcement, please stay focused on the road while driving. Distracted driving is taking far too many lives needlessly. Remember, no talking, no texting, no sexing, no eating/drinking, no applying make-up, and no breast-feeding.
STAY FOCUSED ON THE ROADWAY.
Be sure to check out Payday, a Barbadian comedy-drama/buddy film showcasing a raw slice of Barbadian community life.
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen
Hello again you Smart and Beautifuls! A lofty amount of malicious deliciousness has taken place during my brief illness, but as my health was improving, I took notice of some extreme malevolence on the part of some of our global neighbours:
American rapper Eminem has been named Ireland’s new “Barry White” with rhymes so smooth they apparently make #Slanegirl residents’ knickers wet and knees drop. Oh my!
American military snitch Bradley Manning (oh, you Americans thrill me, you really do) attempts a beautiful ruse – ye old bait & switch, genderstyle – in an effort to live out his 35 year prison sentence in a female prison. You old scalawag, you!
Nicholas Attin’s Escape from Babylon finally opened in Caribbean cinemas with a professionally trained and diverse cast, filmed on location in Trinidad – imagine, a criminal underworld in Trinidad? Unfathomable, yet Attin makes it believable. I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Attin.
On a recent trip to China, Jamaican Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller told officials that if they want to do business with the tiny island paradise, ‘dem haffi pay dung pon it’ to the tune of $1.5B, which the Chinese are more than happy to pay as a down payment on the island.
It was so nice that a large crowd gathered for #NottingHillCarnival. I’m always glad to see the mentally ill blending in with the general population for such a culturally rich event. But someone please tell them that carnival is for dancing, not dry-humping.
Aaaannd…those American Video Mediocrity Awards, during which I felt personally victimized by that Cyrus girl’s perfauxmance. Initially, I was concerned, thinking, “Dear Lord! Somebody help her! She’s trying not to swallow her tongue, she’s having a seizure!” But soon I realized I was being taken on a neuropsychotic ride. Additionally, while Jimberlake was bringing sexy back, that Thicke bloke was bringing Beetlejuice back with that horrid zebra ensemble.
But enough about me; where are my manners? How ARE you, you precious bastards?
Wild Wing Café’s ‘There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity’ Experiment
Somewhere in America, a restaurant chain has experienced an explosive Facebook marketing campaign that puts their business on the map, but for all the wrong reasons. Something called Wild Wing Café refused to serve a group of 25 black patrons who had been waiting approximately 2 hours to be seated because a white patron reported feeling threatened by their presence.
Mathematically, that reflects poorly on the deciding manager.
A local news station reported that a Wild Wing Café representative reached out to the offended party to apologize, and offered a free meal to the group.
I asked a relative who lives in the States to put the matter into context for me, and she simply replied, “Its South Carolina.”
My problem with this story should be obvious: who the hell waits 2 hours to be seated???
But onward to the real news…
’ No Bikes, No Filming, No littering’, Zurich’s New Hooker Attraction Gears Up for Business
Resulting from an earlier 2.5M franc sex-box referendum, Zurich has opened a new theme park offering hookers semi-private stables in which to perform their services. As such, street solicitation is no longer permitted and sex workers are expected to adhere to working in the confines of available stables.
Zurich’s newly designed sex stables, manned by security guards, feature an alarm, emergency exit, and giant erotic posters with condoms on them to remind patrons to wear them – yes, because they’re so bloody effective.
The Swiss city also spared no taxpayer expense in creating ‘ambience’ for shoppers that include bench seating, healthy trees and coloured lighting.
The sex boxes are said to reduce violence and improve working conditions for sex workers, but locals say they are mainly to reduce visibility of sex workers in larger communities. There are rules however, patrons must drive down a strip as they shop, one man per car (no word on how many women or boys are allowed in the vehicle), no cycles of any kind (bi-,tri-, or motor), no filming, and no littering. Gotta keep Dirty Disneyland clean!
Mugabe-Inspired Bum Cloth Nixed
A patriotic, entrepreneurial idea at its best has been nixed in Zimbabwe. In an effort to increase recycling within the African country, 26 year old Takura Mufumisi was said to have used posters of newly re-elected President Mugabe as bum cloth, i.e. toilet paper (not to be confused with bumboclaat) in a local bar. However, election laws prohibit the use of campaign posters in that manner.
Fortunately for Mr. Mufumisi, he was acquitted due to lack of evidence earlier this month. According to reports, the lone witness could only testify that Mr. Mufumisi went into the shitter, but could not confirm what he wiped his arse with. Locals are looking into alternate and more acceptable recycling programs.
LIAT Airlines: ‘We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Wheels to Fly’
43 Barbados-bound passengers on LIAT Flight 774 are reconsidering their choice of airline carrier following a budget flight from Guyana in another damning incident for the beleaguered airline.
A LIAT representative calls the most recent incident a “main wheel failure during takeoff.” However passengers reported that the main wheel was actually successful in falling off of the aircraft.
Sources indicate that the pilot was advised to continue on to Grantley Adams International Airport following discussions with maintenance personnel.
The Leader In Airline Trauma, who advertises fares as low as $100 on its website, recently inked a $65M deal to finance an upgrade of its fleet; airline insiders say it can offer competitive fares because it spends less on airline maintenance and ancillary items such as staff training and wheels citing, on condition of anonymity, “When you’re in the air, wheels are not important, wings are.”
Part of the reason LIAT can offer such sub-stellar service is because they lack legitimate competition for intra-island travel. However, that may soon change as Aerogaviota Caribbean is poised to take over after recently launching flights between Havana, Cuba and Kingston, Jamaica. If LIAT is not carefully considerate, they may become the BlackBerry of the Caribbean airline industry, taking a rear, economy coach seat to Aerogaviota.
Oxford Wrongly Classifies ‘Twerking’ as a Dance, Rather Than Mental Illness
In other developments, the lovely gents responsible for the Oxford Dictionary have announced that future editions of the famous book of words will include the word Twerk (verb), which will be defined incorrectly as, “dancing to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.”
This is completely irresponsible on the part of Oxford as the phenomenon of twerking is CLEARLY a neuropsychiatric disorder that would be more appropriately identified within the tempered pages of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Twerking is not a dance; it is a part of a wide spectrum of tic disorders.
What is being characterized as “dancing” is actually a series of physical (motor) tics as seen in people with Tourrette syndrome. Like Tourette’s, twerking is no longer a rare condition, but it is still very much bizarre affecting mainly females as they pass through adolescence into adulthood.
Twerking in adulthood is a rarity, though it is often observed within the confines of many nightclubs where women “dance” on poles and in laps of patrons. Twerking in this instance is used as a catch and release method when the buttocks clenches and releases in an effort to keep hold of the paper currency, usually small denominations, that is being thrown at those exhibiting this disorder.
Twerking is not fatal and can be treated with exorcism.
Kenyan Woman-shortage Creates Happy Love Triangles
Kenyans have reportedly begun smoking the wrong end of the cannabis plant as demonstrated by two men allegedly agreeing to marry the same woman.
The woman, a widow with 2 children who has elected to remain anonymous, had been cheating on each suitor with the other for over 4 years as she simply ‘could not decide betwixt the two.’
To solve the problem, Sylvester Mwendwa and Elijah Kimani have agreed to share the unnamed Jezebel in matrimony to ‘keep the peace.’ In other words, one-a-mind-and-one-a-grind.
Local attorneys advised that the union would be legally recognised only in the event that polyandry (a form of slackness) was a proven part of their custom which, according to locals, it is not. However, a family lawyer indicated the trio may get away with their scheme as the law does not expressly forbid polyandry.
In this split-object triangle, the two men will move into her house and rotate husband duties. Mwendwa reportedly told BBC, “She is like the central referee. She can say whether she wants me or my colleague.”
I don’t know any man with fully descended testicles who would agree to such an arrangement. Do you? Chat back in the comments – unless you’re a voyeur, in which case, no pressure.
Revenge Porn, the New American Pastime
You know the story:
Girl meets boy
Girl dates boy
Boy asks girl for nude photo
Girl sends boy pic of the ‘dirty pillows’
Boy breaks up with girl
Boy retains custody of pic and shares on ‘revenge porn’ site
Girl gets trolled, and cries foul, etcetera, etcetera…
Such is the story of www.endrevengeporn.com’s founder, Holly Jacobs, who says her former boyfriend’s second personality emerged when he learned she was seeing someone new – a claim he denies. Civil and criminal charges are pending.
Apparently it is within every American’s right, except those in New Jersey where it is a felony, to pornify someone without getting their consent. While you cannot take nonconsensual pics legally, you can share them legally. After all, sharing is caring.
Why didn’t she get the photo taken down?
The website refused, invoking the First Amendment.
Why didn’t she go to the police?
Posting the pics did not meet the ‘harassing course of conduct’ requirement of the criminal harassment law.
Why didn’t she have the ex-boyfriend killed?
Because she had already left a trail leading back to her by performing steps a) and b) above.
My recommendation to you who like to immortalize yourself in naked selfies, ESPECIALLY YOU TEENAGE TWITS: Don’t allow anyone to possess compromising photos of you unless you are in possession of equally damning photos of them, ensuring mutual assured destruction.
In other news and contrary to popular belief, not everyone who advocates for the divine MJ do so because they want to be smoked-out, red-eyed potheads. It is a plant, like many others, with countless health benefits. A Jamaican scientist advocates for the proper, medicinal use of ganja – FINALLY!
Dr. Lowe, I need a word with you sir…
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Ciao!
And remember darlings, if you stop to throw a stick at every dog that barks at you, you’ll never reach your destination. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #HealthIsWealth #GodSaveTheQueen
Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.
Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:
Super Bass: Dubstep – Wicked Edition
When confined to limited space, such as a work cubicle, or one’s own home during house arrest, one must find ways to stay afloat on the rough seas of normalcy and mediocrity.
Here are some of the wickedest, bass-heavy melodies everyone on cubicle- or house-arrest should employ to maintain at least 63% of his/her sanity. I threw in a bit of techno for good measure – like water, techno is a universal solvent.
Studies show that bass-heavy beats can maintain healthy heart rates, lower cholesterol, and clear ones skin of acne blemishes. Side effects include dizziness, temporary hearing loss, and increased mental acuity. Follow these instructions immediately for the full experience – and at your own risk.
TURN SPEAKERS ON HIGH.
Still here are you? I know you can’t really hear me right now as your ears are still ringing, but do let me know if your condition has improved at all. I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen
Good Morning, Good Evening, Good Fortnight, Good Morrow lovelies! What a deliciously malicious week in the news! Speaking of malicious, Vladimir Putin seems to be falling out of everyone’s good graces at an alarming rate, starting with Barack Obama and Stephen Fry, yet he doesn’t seem terribly bothered. Her Majesty hasn’t been terribly bothered with me either. She’s been so preoccupied with Georgie Porgie that she has not been the least bit bothered by my burglary case. While I’ve been trying to prove my innocence, I’ve been watching the world’s headlines. They’re rather corrupt and a bit more maddening than usual. Wouldn’t you agree?
Sit back, share a morning cup of Earl Grey Goose tea with me, and catch up on the week in curious news.
Mugabe Touts Efficacy of Corruption, Says Ends Justify Means
“Do you think anybody would vote for me because I have a pretty smile and stylish wardrobe? Voters need to be compelled.”
Reigning king of Zimbabwe, Robert Mugabe, has been re-crowned in recent elections, though the opposition is crying foul, seeking redress from the courts.
Movement for Democratic Change has accused Mugabe and Zanu-PF of duplicating thousands of voter names and turning away opposition voters, among other fraudulent practices. They are calling for a new election by the end of this calendar year.
Mugabe was reportedly overheard saying, “There is no such thing as an honest government or election. If you want honesty/truth in government, you have to wait til you die and go to heaven, this is Africa!”
Peek-a-boo, We Hear You! Jamaica’s Covert Spying Operations Uncovered
Jamaican police and military forces have joined the ranks of other national governments who spy on its citizens as several agencies were found tapping the phones of its residents. When quizzed on their covert operations, authorities declined to comment on specifics like who was being spied on, how long they had been spying, and exactly what data they had gathered. However, they claimed that spying is done to preserve the island’s national security. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, reminded residents that personal privacy was a thing of the past that could no longer be guaranteed as a 7-year old amendment to the Interception of Communications Act allows them to spy on its citizens for a full week sans warrant from the court.
Here’s what some locals had to say:
Thank you Gleaner for that lovely footage. #GovtTooNuff
Chris Brown to Leave Music for Boxing Career
Condolences are in order for members of #TeamBreezy as the R&B musician, and friend of Twitter, announced to Mainstream America – you know who you are – his tentative retirement from the music industry. Citing “infamy fatigue” and constant comparisons to the late Ike Turner, Brown conceded there is never a right time to Say Goodbye, but decided it was in his best interest to “chuck up the Deuces.”
Could this be a publicity ploy for his forthcoming album, X, or is he serious? No one knows for certain, but sources close to the embattled singer say he is considering boxing or MMA fighting as his next career move. “No doubt he’s a good fighter.” #FloatLikeaButterflyStingLikeaB
Cyber Safety Act to Enforce Online Manners
Cyber-bullies are distressed over new Nova Scotia legislation that allows victims of bullying to sue; if the bully is a minor, the parents would become liable. If the bullying happens at school, the principal may become liable.
The new Cyber Safety Act loosely defines cyber bullying as any electronic communication that is reasonably expected to humiliate another person, or harm their “self-esteem…”
A conscientious observer noted,
Opponents of the law suggest this is a slippery slope due to the open interpretation of bullying that will be left to the victim. “Offense is taken, not given,” cited one cyber-bully. They’re arresting trolls now they want to sue bullies – what’s next, a law against ‘being mean?’
During Jamaica’s recent Grand Gala event, held to celebrate their 51st year of independence from the monarchy, reggae performer, daughter of Ska legend Derrick Morgan, and devout Rastafarian Ventrice “Queen Ifrica” Morgan (nee Fyah Muma) took some of her performance time to plead with the nation’s prime minister not to repeal the current buggery (anti-sodomy) laws.
Ruffling Doctor Bird feathers seemed to be her intention as she spoke out against homosexuality and skin bleaching, and in favour of legalizing marijuana. In a move similar to popular dancehall artist Rodney “Bounty Killer” Price’s at a children’s fundraiser several years ago, Ifrica traded cheers for awkward silence when she verbally opposed Jamaica’s following what she called ‘international trends decriminalizing homosexuality.’ J-Flag is calling for the government to penalize artists’ use of indecent language, discriminatory rhetoric and the incitement of violence.
Ifrica said she was merely exercising her right to free speech.
Oh Yes She Did! – Emma Roberts Crashes Donut Line
*Disclaimer: We are not kind to celebs who think their status gives them preeminence above the rest of us. If this offends you, we’re sorry, and by ‘we’re sorry’ we mean, ‘you’ll get over it.’*
American actress Emma Roberts and her publicist were turned away when they attempted to reassign themselves from number 12,471 in a donut line to position number 2.
Roberts, daughter of actor Eric Roberts and niece of actress Julia Roberts, was at the tail end of a block-long line for the Gucci donuts when she decided, ‘I’m Emma Roberts bitches!’ and dragged her publicist to the entry way where a doorman sent them on their way. (Imagine, a donut shop so hip it has a doorman/bouncer, ah those New Yorkers!) She ended up leaving the line of young hipsters incessantly masturbating their iGadgets attempting to appear cool, hip, and edgy shortly after. The doorman admitted he was afraid of Roberts due to her recent arrest history for domestic battery, but was overheard saying, “I had a duty to protect and serve our donuts. They’re expensive y’know!”
Oprah Winfrey’s Swiss Diss
Once again, simple people have taken liberties with American TV personality and billionaire Oprah Winfrey, this time in Switzerland.
In town for singer Tina Turner’s nuptials, Oprah decided to go shopping sans entourage at one of those shicky micky boutiques – Trois Pommes. Upon asking to see a 35K Franc crocodile handbag – the appropriate thing to do with a nasty croc, make a bloody bag out of it – the sales attendant allegedly replied, “No. That’s too expensive. I’ll show you this one.” The store’s head, Trudy Goetz, said the employee did nothing wrong in being “too kind,” looking out for the financial resources of its potential clientele in these tough economic times.
While Goetz said no disciplinary action would be taken against the employee, the offending sales associate is reportedly being remanded to basic sales training 101 where she would relearn the art of actually selling expensive merchandise, not keeping it around as store decor.
Don-Dawn-Don, Transgender Wants to Be Man Again
He thought he was a woman trapped in a man’s body, but little did he know there was a man trapped inside the woman who was trapped inside that one body.
One fair day, Don Ennis announced to his wife that he was transgender and becoming a woman to be called Dawn. When “Dawn” fell into a weekend coma only to reawaken with breasts he did not remember acquiring, she decided she wanted to live life as a male once more. Ennis blamed his gender confusion on his mother – of course – saying she had fed him estrogen as a child.
Sources close to the matter cite “Dawn’s” inability to find fashionable shoes that fit as the real reason s/he shifted back to being male, plus those dreadful cramps! It’s a good thing he kept the penis.
Beef Surprise for Dinner? The Surprise is THAT’S NOT BEEF
In an effort to meet an increased global demand for meat, a scientist has created a beef patty – in a laboratory.
The lab-grown burger, comprised of red beet juice, saffron, and cattle stem cells, took 5 years and $332K to produce – not a likely contender for fast food magnate McDonald’s whose burgers are cheaper and faster to make.
The mad Dutch scientist responsible for the petri-burger, Mark Post, anticipates his creation will become a ‘viable alternative to animal meat production’ in another 20 years. Meanwhile, veggie burgers will have to do.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM! Will I or won’t I get off of house arrest? Be sure to tune in next week to see if I’m free, or at least to check out what you missed in world news.
And remember darlings, the world is not going mad; its GONE mad. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen
Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.
Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:
The World’s Best Getaway Cars
When choosing a getaway car, one has many considerations that facilitate making the best decision.
First, you must accept the reality that you will likely get stuck in traffic, so choosing a car that is petite is always a wise choice. A petite vehicle will allow you to weave effortlessly through congested areas.
Second, you must consider a vehicle with appropriate cargo space. If your intended spoils are greater in size than standard banknotes, a petite vehicle is not ideal.
Third, identification is inevitable. Sure, you can choose an average, neutral-coloured model, but those are usually made for moms and grads – not for those living on the edge, and let’s face it, getaway cars are exclusively for those who are teetering. Since you will most likely be spotted by some do-gooder seeking a reward, at least choose something stylish; this makes identification by helicopters above easier. Presentation is very important.
Escaping will no doubt involve a high speed chase, which means you will need a fast car, a very fast car.
Thanks Tracy, but no, I mean a really fast car.
If you are fortunate to get onto a main thoroughfare, like the Audubon, you will be able to evade capture, and possibly break the sound barrier. This is the most important factor when picking a getaway car – the need for speed.
Should the authorities apprehend you, your vehicle will likely be impounded and possibly sold to cover expenses related to chasing you; so why not have a car that can yield a high return? That’s just socially responsible. With those considerations laid bare, here are the best getaway cars, in no particular order, for your next heist.
Ascari A10 – While not the fastest, this can clock in at 220 mph, going from 0-60 in 2.8 seconds, with 625 horses and only $650,000.
Aston Martin One-77 can move as quickly as 220 mph, and is available at the non-recession price of almost 2M. Hmm, if I could afford this, I probably wouldn’t be pulling off a heist atall. Thank you Jonsibal.com for that lovely photo.
The Bugatti Veyron Super Sport – alas, a girls TRUE best friend (diamonds, my arse!) This is my personal favourite, and naturally the most expensive at the non-recession price in excess of 2.4M. It is THE FASTEST, clocking in at 267 mph, going from 0-60 in 2.4 seconds with 1,200 diligent horses. This one is sure to make any heist more enjoyable.
Lamborghini Aventador – named after a bull, yeah? Alright, well, its certainly a slower getaway vehicle, but definitely a quicker ride than that tricycle you’ve been considering. At 220 mph, you can still escape determined police authorities if needful, and in the recession price range of a little more than a quarter of a million, it’s the most practical choice for those on a budget.
Named after a fictional wind character, this Pagani Huayra comes with only 720 horses at a steep price in excess of 1M. Not the most economical, but still a contender for getting away in as little as 3 seconds.
The Gumpert Apollo is a curious selection for a getaway vehicle as it can – albeit allegedly – drive UPSIDE DOWN in a tunnel if driven over 190 mph. The top clock is 223 mph, so you’d have to be driving at maximum speed to float like a butterfly in this car. I’d like to see this demonstrated first before I put any scrilla down. Otherwise, I’d be back at the Bugatti counter.
What are you waiting for? Turn the key and take off! I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen
Well top of the afternoon to you lovely bastards! Now that the Royal Crumb-snatcher has landed, we are free to resume our maliciously delicious lives. And how malicious it has been! It seems that when Sunny is away the trolls will play. Over the past weekend my beloved Twitter had a minor-major disruption when a journalist fed the trolls – something we’ve been warned to never, ever do. Let’s get right into it, shall we?
Don’t Feed the Trolls – They’re Only 12
A Manchester troll has been arrested for the extreme trolling of journalist Caroline Criado-Perez. The motive – Criado-Perez’s recent success in getting Jane Austen’s image on a banknote, something I’m sure most people were not even giving attention to – not that rolls need a motive.
This particular incident of trolling was peculiarly extreme, even for Twitter, resulting in the subsequent detention of at least two trolls.
While the widely accepted home remedy for online trolls is ‘feed-a-fever & starve-a-troll’, Criado-Perez took a left turn and stared down the numerous trolls head on with the hashtag #Shoutingback. The outcome, however, was remarkable in that a troll was actually arrested.
#Shoutingback has also yielded thousands of signatures on a petition requesting a “report abuse” button on Twitter as well as Twitter-cott on August 4th.
The sad truth is you cannot simply rid the world of trolls. If an account is suspended, one can merely create a new one within minutes. Section 14 of the Rules of the Internet states: “If you argue with a troll, they win.” The choice is up to you. Well played, Ms. Criado-Perez, well bloody played.
On the other end of the spectrum, older trolls are said to be unhappy with the modern direction trolling has taken, citing old school trolling was more based in snarky sarcasm, but current trolling has become rooted in abuse; sounds like a discourse on “rap” vs “hip hop”.
Will Voters Keep Scotland in the UK? Definitely Maybe
A recent Panelbase survey indicated that while support for Scottish independence from the UK increased, union support outnumbers independence support by as much as 11%. However, rampant speculation suggests that pro-indie supporters will outnumber pro-unis at next year’s polls. This speculation suggests that pro-unis will become complacent and overconfident that they will win in the year ahead. The possibility still remains that undecideds may lean towards independence, tilting the scales for the realization of an independent Scotland.
In an effort to increase the pro-indie numbers and turnout, undecideds have been urged by SNP to watch Braveheart every weekend until their vote is needed next September.
Elections for a New World Boss Halted as Kartel Releases Statement
Also over the weekend, skin-bleaching ambassador and currently incarcerated reggae dancehall artist Adidja Palmer, who performs under the moniker Vybz Kartel, recently released a statement following a dismissal of one of his murder charges. In it he maintained gratitude to those who have supported his claim of innocence, and denounced fellow artists and former protégés Andre “Popcorn” Sutherland and Leroy “Tommy Lee Sparta” Russell as ‘shameless traitors’ with ‘spiraling careers’.
In the race for a new world boss, Popcorn was primed for the position as Tommy Lee continues to fall behind in the polls following a recent meeting of his constituency in Trinidad where only 3 people were in attendance.
Tommy Lee, often referred to as Grey Goose for his fading complexion, is reported to have responded to Kartel’s renunciation stating, “I’ve always been loyal.”
Red-headed Reporter Learns Rules of TMI
Another reporter has bitten the dust. Former WAAY correspondent Shea Allen was relieved of her duties at the Alabama station following the release of a personal blog post, Confessions of a Redheaded Reporter, which subsequently has been voted Cutest Blog on the Block. PPfftt.
In the post, the apparently perky-bosomed, elder-phobic mail thief confessed to violating the news reporter’s cardinal rule: Thou Shalt Not Sleep on the Job when she posted that she had “taken naps in the news car.” Just ask any #Royalbabywatch reporter – that is a definite “nyet nyet.” It is, most likely, for this reason above all others that the crimson-haired maven was asked never to return to her post.
Mugabe to Retain Kung-fu Grip on Zimbabwe
President Robert Mugabe expects to continue running the African country with an iron grip, but opponents say he can barely run his own bath let alone an entire country.
Mugabe, who is hundreds of years old, has been widely known to employ tactics such as violence and intimidation via surrogates to get what he wants within the nation, including the presidential seat; supporters of the opposition party are hopeful that this election would be a clarion call to Mugabe and his team that the country will no longer support his corruption in politics.
After a recent visit with US President Barack Obama, Mugabe castigated his American counterpart over his support of same-sex marriages. Obama is said to have wished Mugabe luck in the upcoming elections and urged Zimbabwe to accept same-sex unions should they desire to continue to receive aid.
Following the tense meeting between the two leaders, sources close to the Obama Administration confirm there has been no further attempt at dialogue by President Obama citing, “F#^% it. Zimbabwe has no oil anyway.”
Russia Refuses to Let Freak-flag Fly
Vitaly Milonov’s legislative baby has grown into a successfully instituted ban on public displays of “non-traditional” affection. The ban, said to be aimed at homosexuals, includes steep fines and jail time if violated. Milonov recently told news reporters that the ban will be active during next year’s Winter Olympics being held in Sochi and will be applied evenly to locals and foreign visitors alike.
The International Olympic Committee (IOC) is said to be concerned over the safety of homosexual fans and athletes’ stay while in Russia. Sources close to the matter report that the IOC has reportedly been urging athletes and spectators to travel with closets in the event they need to “go back in” because, “Putin don’t play that.”
In response to the ban, many foreign nationals have participated in a boycott of Russia’s most popular morning beverages, Stolichnaya and Russian Standard. Russian officials seem un-bothered by the recent boycott efforts stating, “There are three things we all know Americans cannot live without: food, coffee, and vodka.”
For Strauss-Khan, Its Just Pimpin Pimpin
The aging former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Khan will now face trial on “aggravated pimping” charges related to a Lille hotel prostitution ring. The embattled Strauss-Khan said he was at a party with the women, but didn’t know they were prostitutes. Strauss-Khan was overheard telling his lawyers, “I had no idea they were prostitutes. Why is it not natural to assume they would have sex with me for free? I’m Dominique Strauss-Khan after all.”
Investigators are said to have found copies of American comedian Katt Williams’ The Pimp Chronicles and Its Pimpin Pimpin among Strauss-Khan’s belongings following the arrest. A police aid close to the case said it looked as though Strauss-Khan was “trying to improve his pimp game.”
Strauss-Khan faces ten years in prison.
For Greece’s Elite, Membership Had Its Privileges
Greece’s top earning residents are said to be in a panic following a government plan that would end the benefit of free dedicated police protection. The move was done in an effort to appease bailout creditors and meet budget targets for the cash-strapped nation.
While paying for dedicated police services would reduce the nation’s debt, ease the country’s economic burden, and potentially add to Greece’s coffers, some of Greece’s elite who earn well above the €100,000 benchmark claim the pay-for-protection scheme would leave them vulnerable to attack and could potentially become a slippery slope. “First, we’ll pay for our own protection. Next, we’ll have to pay taxes. Where does it end?”
Why You May Want to Return to TVs with Rabbit-ear Antennas
Recent reports about Samsung’s newly repaired flaws found by iSEC Partners didn’t leave a good taste in hackers’ mouths, but left them feeling hopeful that they could soon resume making consumers’ lives uneasy by spying on them, invading their privacy, and potentially stealing their information.
Prior to the repairs, hackers were able to turn on the TV’s camera remotely and reroute a user to various malicious websites. Now they’ll have to explore other ways to exploit software glitches in so-called ‘smart devices’ that boast internet connectivity with little to no security.
Rabbit ears and foil, anyone?
Geisha Facial My Arse – That’s Birdshit!
Dried nightingale excrement + water + rice bran = the latest beauty craze that is sweeping across women’s faces everywhere. Hailed as a beauty treatment that exfoliates and removes dirt and impurities, upscale spas are seeing an uptick in what has been coined the ‘Geisha Facial.’ The benefits of such facials are said to rejuvenate tired skin, leaving a glowing complexion for the client. While many have taken to the celebrity treatments, some modern women remain skeptical. One patron of a swanky spa offering the facial told us, “Calling it poop makes it sound dainty. At almost $200 per treatment, let’s call it what it is – birdshit.”
Revelers Beware, Police Enforcing Mystery Law
Well its Crop Over season and locals and foreign attendees shouldn’t expect anything less than stage-5 reveling. However, patrons should be warned that the Royal Barbados Police Force is prepared to make examples out of anyone who plans to ‘bandjump.’
The law in place against band encroachment can yield a hefty fine or 6-month imprisonment to anyone found guilty of violating it.
Inspector Bruce Rowe admits, in an effort to let masqueraders “revel in peace,” he and his men are seeking out those who are ‘riding dirty.’
In other news, Syrian Muslims are dealing with effects of life without the benefit of croissants. The tasty pastries have fallen under a recent ruling by Sheikh Abu Mohammed of the Islamic court Hai’aa al-Sharia as forbidden, or haram. The recent fatwa, citing “colonial oppression,” pointed to the crescent shape as being a celebratory representative of European victory over Muslims. One onlooker responded, “This is what happens when you can’t eat bacon – you just get cranky.”
An incredible story comes from the States – albeit unconfirmed – of a father teaching his 7 year old son a lesson about lying.
Dad and son went to the store. Dad told son he could pick out 8 gifts for his upcoming 8th birthday party. As the dad and son reached the counter to check out, the purchase came to several hundred dollars. The dad looked at the cashier and said:
‘I hate to do this to you, but I’m not buying any of these items. I told my son he could pick out gifts for his birthday, but I lied to him to teach him a lesson about lying to me and his mom. Now he knows how it feels. Do you want me to put these things back for you?’
The young lad is reported to have filed for emancipation from his parents.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO! Be sure to check out Toronto Carnival’s Grand Parade or Vienna’s Rathausplatz Festival activities and events. And do tell about it – I’ll have to live vicariously through you all until my probation matter has been sorted out by Her Majesty, or until I can become disconnected from this bloody ankle monitor.
And remember darlings, Kate’s baby is just an heir; he’s not the Messiah. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen