Hello again you Smart and Beautifuls! A lofty amount of malicious deliciousness has taken place during my brief illness, but as my health was improving, I took notice of some extreme malevolence on the part of some of our global neighbours:
American rapper Eminem has been named Ireland’s new “Barry White” with rhymes so smooth they apparently make #Slanegirl residents’ knickers wet and knees drop. Oh my!
American military snitch Bradley Manning (oh, you Americans thrill me, you really do) attempts a beautiful ruse – ye old bait & switch, genderstyle – in an effort to live out his 35 year prison sentence in a female prison. You old scalawag, you!
Nicholas Attin’s Escape from Babylon finally opened in Caribbean cinemas with a professionally trained and diverse cast, filmed on location in Trinidad – imagine, a criminal underworld in Trinidad? Unfathomable, yet Attin makes it believable. I’m ready for my close-up Mr. Attin.
On a recent trip to China, Jamaican Prime Minister Portia Simpson-Miller told officials that if they want to do business with the tiny island paradise, ‘dem haffi pay dung pon it’ to the tune of $1.5B, which the Chinese are more than happy to pay as a down payment on the island.
It was so nice that a large crowd gathered for #NottingHillCarnival. I’m always glad to see the mentally ill blending in with the general population for such a culturally rich event. But someone please tell them that carnival is for dancing, not dry-humping.
Aaaannd…those American Video Mediocrity Awards, during which I felt personally victimized by that Cyrus girl’s perfauxmance. Initially, I was concerned, thinking, “Dear Lord! Somebody help her! She’s trying not to swallow her tongue, she’s having a seizure!” But soon I realized I was being taken on a neuropsychotic ride. Additionally, while Jimberlake was bringing sexy back, that Thicke bloke was bringing Beetlejuice back with that horrid zebra ensemble.
But enough about me; where are my manners? How ARE you, you precious bastards?
Wild Wing Café’s ‘There’s No Such Thing as Bad Publicity’ Experiment
Somewhere in America, a restaurant chain has experienced an explosive Facebook marketing campaign that puts their business on the map, but for all the wrong reasons. Something called Wild Wing Café refused to serve a group of 25 black patrons who had been waiting approximately 2 hours to be seated because a white patron reported feeling threatened by their presence.
Mathematically, that reflects poorly on the deciding manager.
A local news station reported that a Wild Wing Café representative reached out to the offended party to apologize, and offered a free meal to the group.
I asked a relative who lives in the States to put the matter into context for me, and she simply replied, “Its South Carolina.”
My problem with this story should be obvious: who the hell waits 2 hours to be seated???
But onward to the real news…
’ No Bikes, No Filming, No littering’, Zurich’s New Hooker Attraction Gears Up for Business
Resulting from an earlier 2.5M franc sex-box referendum, Zurich has opened a new theme park offering hookers semi-private stables in which to perform their services. As such, street solicitation is no longer permitted and sex workers are expected to adhere to working in the confines of available stables.
Zurich’s newly designed sex stables, manned by security guards, feature an alarm, emergency exit, and giant erotic posters with condoms on them to remind patrons to wear them – yes, because they’re so bloody effective.
The Swiss city also spared no taxpayer expense in creating ‘ambience’ for shoppers that include bench seating, healthy trees and coloured lighting.
The sex boxes are said to reduce violence and improve working conditions for sex workers, but locals say they are mainly to reduce visibility of sex workers in larger communities. There are rules however, patrons must drive down a strip as they shop, one man per car (no word on how many women or boys are allowed in the vehicle), no cycles of any kind (bi-,tri-, or motor), no filming, and no littering. Gotta keep Dirty Disneyland clean!
Mugabe-Inspired Bum Cloth Nixed
A patriotic, entrepreneurial idea at its best has been nixed in Zimbabwe. In an effort to increase recycling within the African country, 26 year old Takura Mufumisi was said to have used posters of newly re-elected President Mugabe as bum cloth, i.e. toilet paper (not to be confused with bumboclaat) in a local bar. However, election laws prohibit the use of campaign posters in that manner.
Fortunately for Mr. Mufumisi, he was acquitted due to lack of evidence earlier this month. According to reports, the lone witness could only testify that Mr. Mufumisi went into the shitter, but could not confirm what he wiped his arse with. Locals are looking into alternate and more acceptable recycling programs.
LIAT Airlines: ‘We Don’t Need No Stinkin’ Wheels to Fly’
43 Barbados-bound passengers on LIAT Flight 774 are reconsidering their choice of airline carrier following a budget flight from Guyana in another damning incident for the beleaguered airline.
A LIAT representative calls the most recent incident a “main wheel failure during takeoff.” However passengers reported that the main wheel was actually successful in falling off of the aircraft.
Sources indicate that the pilot was advised to continue on to Grantley Adams International Airport following discussions with maintenance personnel.
The Leader In Airline Trauma, who advertises fares as low as $100 on its website, recently inked a $65M deal to finance an upgrade of its fleet; airline insiders say it can offer competitive fares because it spends less on airline maintenance and ancillary items such as staff training and wheels citing, on condition of anonymity, “When you’re in the air, wheels are not important, wings are.”
Part of the reason LIAT can offer such sub-stellar service is because they lack legitimate competition for intra-island travel. However, that may soon change as Aerogaviota Caribbean is poised to take over after recently launching flights between Havana, Cuba and Kingston, Jamaica. If LIAT is not carefully considerate, they may become the BlackBerry of the Caribbean airline industry, taking a rear, economy coach seat to Aerogaviota.
Oxford Wrongly Classifies ‘Twerking’ as a Dance, Rather Than Mental Illness
In other developments, the lovely gents responsible for the Oxford Dictionary have announced that future editions of the famous book of words will include the word Twerk (verb), which will be defined incorrectly as, “dancing to popular music in a sexually provocative manner involving thrusting hip movements and a low, squatting stance.”
This is completely irresponsible on the part of Oxford as the phenomenon of twerking is CLEARLY a neuropsychiatric disorder that would be more appropriately identified within the tempered pages of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-5). Twerking is not a dance; it is a part of a wide spectrum of tic disorders.
What is being characterized as “dancing” is actually a series of physical (motor) tics as seen in people with Tourrette syndrome. Like Tourette’s, twerking is no longer a rare condition, but it is still very much bizarre affecting mainly females as they pass through adolescence into adulthood.
Twerking in adulthood is a rarity, though it is often observed within the confines of many nightclubs where women “dance” on poles and in laps of patrons. Twerking in this instance is used as a catch and release method when the buttocks clenches and releases in an effort to keep hold of the paper currency, usually small denominations, that is being thrown at those exhibiting this disorder.
Twerking is not fatal and can be treated with exorcism.
Kenyan Woman-shortage Creates Happy Love Triangles
Kenyans have reportedly begun smoking the wrong end of the cannabis plant as demonstrated by two men allegedly agreeing to marry the same woman.
The woman, a widow with 2 children who has elected to remain anonymous, had been cheating on each suitor with the other for over 4 years as she simply ‘could not decide betwixt the two.’
To solve the problem, Sylvester Mwendwa and Elijah Kimani have agreed to share the unnamed Jezebel in matrimony to ‘keep the peace.’ In other words, one-a-mind-and-one-a-grind.
Local attorneys advised that the union would be legally recognised only in the event that polyandry (a form of slackness) was a proven part of their custom which, according to locals, it is not. However, a family lawyer indicated the trio may get away with their scheme as the law does not expressly forbid polyandry.
In this split-object triangle, the two men will move into her house and rotate husband duties. Mwendwa reportedly told BBC, “She is like the central referee. She can say whether she wants me or my colleague.”
I don’t know any man with fully descended testicles who would agree to such an arrangement. Do you? Chat back in the comments – unless you’re a voyeur, in which case, no pressure.
Revenge Porn, the New American Pastime
You know the story:
Girl meets boy
Girl dates boy
Boy asks girl for nude photo
Girl sends boy pic of the ‘dirty pillows’
Boy breaks up with girl
Boy retains custody of pic and shares on ‘revenge porn’ site
Girl gets trolled, and cries foul, etcetera, etcetera…
Such is the story of www.endrevengeporn.com’s founder, Holly Jacobs, who says her former boyfriend’s second personality emerged when he learned she was seeing someone new – a claim he denies. Civil and criminal charges are pending.
Apparently it is within every American’s right, except those in New Jersey where it is a felony, to pornify someone without getting their consent. While you cannot take nonconsensual pics legally, you can share them legally. After all, sharing is caring.
Why didn’t she get the photo taken down?
The website refused, invoking the First Amendment.
Why didn’t she go to the police?
Posting the pics did not meet the ‘harassing course of conduct’ requirement of the criminal harassment law.
Why didn’t she have the ex-boyfriend killed?
Because she had already left a trail leading back to her by performing steps a) and b) above.
My recommendation to you who like to immortalize yourself in naked selfies, ESPECIALLY YOU TEENAGE TWITS: Don’t allow anyone to possess compromising photos of you unless you are in possession of equally damning photos of them, ensuring mutual assured destruction.
In other news and contrary to popular belief, not everyone who advocates for the divine MJ do so because they want to be smoked-out, red-eyed potheads. It is a plant, like many others, with countless health benefits. A Jamaican scientist advocates for the proper, medicinal use of ganja – FINALLY!
Dr. Lowe, I need a word with you sir…
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Ciao!
And remember darlings, if you stop to throw a stick at every dog that barks at you, you’ll never reach your destination. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #HealthIsWealth #GodSaveTheQueen