Editor’s note: This report contains no explicit language that readers may find offensive. My apologies.
As I sit calmly enjoying my full English breakfast complete with a healthy serving of Early Grey Goose tea, I ponder one of life’s many conundrums: why do men have nipples? I also wonder why, after scouring and devouring the news from all over our fair globe, why haven’t I read of my own legal troubles in the Daily Mail? Why hasn’t Piers Morgan reported on former FBNN news reporter Sunshine deMorning’s arrest? Is it because Her Majesty has decided that there shall be no report of my situation? Is this the intent of a cover-up? Have I slipped unknowingly into the bum-crack of a major scandal? But enough about me; where are my manners?
Top of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?
The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill: Only Little People Pay Taxes
This week, American Grammy-winner Lauryn Hill decided she was ‘ready for the show’ as she presented to a minimum security prison in Danbury, Connecticut to serve a 3 month sentence for tax evasion. Her attorney could be overheard saying, “If I ruled the world, Ms. Hill, a mother of 6, would have received probation, but the prosecution sought to settle the score by giving my client prison time instead.”
In some media reports, Hill has been portrayed as just another millionaire elitist who feels the sweetest thing was pocketing the taxes on over $2M USD of income. The prosecuting attorney echoed the sentiment when she lauded Hill’s charity work, but called her defense “a parade of excuses centering around her feeling put upon,” to which the Fu Gee La singer responded, “Everything is everything.”
Big Brother Cited for Discriminatory Practices, GinaMarie Zimmerman: I’m Racist Too!
Big Brother 15 contestant GinaMarie Zimmerman is crying foul after the show caved to public pressure and aired the dirty laundry of only one of its most infamous housemates, 22 year old Aaryn Gries. Zimmerman took umbrage at the show’s montage highlighting Gries’ racially inappropriate commentary directed to an Asian housemate (she was recorded telling Korean-American housemate, Helen Kim, to “shut up, go make some rice”) and a homosexual housemate (who she referred to as “that queer”) while excluding her own racially inappropriate comments, which were directed at an African American housemate (“Be careful what you say in the dark because you might not be able to see the b@!$#.”)
Sources cite Gries’ ability to verbally degrade two groups of people made her not only an “equal opportunity racist”, but also more palatable as a reality TV villain, whereas Zimmerman’s singular comment just made her seem like a hater, leading to her verbal indiscretions being omitted from the show’s montage.
Consequently, both Gries and Zimmerman have lost their employment since the comments were made public. In an effort to rebound financially, the two have been exploring ways to make money selling drugs.
Drug work is work. I am not personally advocating this type of work, as it is lucrative yet very dangerous – much like working for the NSA. You must however, make your own decisions.
By the way, Kate is still very much impregnated. The sperm has indeed hit the egg, but the fetus has not yet left the stall.
Global Perception of Corruption Increases, Now on Par With Actual Corruption
In other news, the annual survey, Global Corruption Barometer, conducted by Berlin-based Transparency International (TI) recently published its findings that reveal people’s perception of, and participation in, corruption. More than half of the 114,000 respondents believe that corruption has increased in recent times. The survey also showed that the greasiest palms belong to politicians, police, and the judiciary. Additionally, the survey found that water is indeed wet.
According to the survey, 27% of respondents paid a bribe during the past year to access public services. 2/3 had been asked to pay a bribe, but refused citing poverty. 51 countries identified political parties as the most corrupt institution. Huguette Labelle, TI’s Chair, indicated that people actually believed they had the power to stop corruption. Those people were also identified as believing that reindeer know how to fly. For more on TI’s findings as well as a map of the countries who pay the most in bribes, click here.
The US’ Afghan Problem: Love Don’t Live Here No More, Obama Pulling Out
After spending well over a decade in Afghanistan, US President Barack Obama has threatened to completely remove all US troops from the nation citing, “failure to colonize” following a row with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.
The proverbial bloom fell off the rose when the US’ attempts to negotiate with the Taliban were met by Karzai’s stern disapproval. Karzai reportedly accused the United States of “trying to negotiate a separate peace with both the Taliban and their backers in Pakistan”, which could result in an open door to Afghanistan’s enemies. Sources close to the US state that President Obama was merely trying to get the Taliban to reduce the taxes on opium; the Taliban has been known to control up to 96% of Afghanistan’s poppy fields, driving up the price of heroin throughout the world.
CNN Chief National Correspondent John King indicated senior administration officials regard dealing with Karzai as being on par with “dealing with a child”, leaving a very frustrated President Obama.
Faced with the ‘zero-option’ threat during his last talk with President Obama, a defiant Karzai responded,
as he ended talks with the US.
While various foreign affairs pundits are confident that negotiations between Obama and Karzai will continue, it is also believed that Karzai is confident that he now holds the upper hand as a complete pullout would put the United States at a strategic disadvantage in a volatile region and greatly reduce American access to reduced-rate oil and heroin.
Top 3 Ways to Fly Under the Radar of Government Spies – well, there are really 10 but I picked the top 3
In light of new revelations that France spies on its citizens, the following public service announcement is in order:
According to a report in French publication, Le Monde, French security service Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, like the US, has also been engaging in the naughty practice of monitoring its citizens’ calls, texts, emails, and internet searches from its underground headquarters. The revelation supports French President Francois Hollande’s position of hypocrisy following his faux outrage at US interception of French communications.
If you are like me, and you like to frustrate the authorities and challenge their policies, then Australian lecturer James H. Hamlyn-Harris has ways for citizens of the free world to decrease your government’s ability to spy on you on the internet.
Phone texts and emails are generally not secure and Microsoft, accused of collaborating with NSA and FBI by famed whistle-blower Edward Snowden, monitors your Skype chat. Explore a service that can offer web encryption and phone applications that can encrypt text messages.
Hamlyn-Harris’ recommended approach is using a serious encryption system scrambles the hell out of file contents with a strong algorithm.
And as in most, if not all, forms of life
Hamlyn-Harris cites, “The only way to be sure is to encrypt your files before they leave your computer. Don’t use the provider’s encryption software. Use open source software.”
For the other 7 ways, click here.
Aaannndd…yes, that Middleton woman is still pregnant.
In its continued quest for world domination, China recently “loaned” the oil-rich Nigerian government $1.1B at a low interest under the guise of ‘infrastructure-building.’ The funds are said to be going towards building up airport terminals, roads, and transportation.
Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China was quoted as saying, “China and Nigeria had been brought together by a common task of pursuing national development.” However, sources close to the matter indicate that Jinping was referring only to China’s national development, not Nigeria’s.
Although China plans to conquer the world, the country does not show much animosity. During a Christmas visit abroad, Jinping even wrote to Santa that China had the world’s best interests at heart and his impact on Nigeria’s oil industry will in no way resemble King Leopold’s impact on Congo’s rubber industry.
In other news, Myanmar, a nation long riddled with accusations of human rights abuses has reportedly released 42 children from its armed forces in an effort to decrease the number of child soldiers and appease the UN.
While no conclusive data exists identifying just how many child soldiers are in the nation’s employ, sources estimate the actual number is closer to 5,000, causing some to criticize the country as merely seeking international support and doing little in return. Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have been quoted as saying the real reason the 42 children were released was due to the pint sized soldiers “talking back, throwing tantrums, and whining. You know, acting like children.”
Kate, I do believe you’re taking this thing a bit too far.
A recent PricewaterhouseCoopers audit has revealed that government contractors Serco and G4S have been overcharging for monitoring criminals, particularly ones who have been deceased for an extended period of time. Sources close to the firms cite that it simply cost more to monitor persons who live in other worlds.
Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was quoted as saying, “There has been a small number of cases where charging continued for a period when the subject was known to have died” which means there was a large number of cases, but admitting so would reflect badly on him.
Although companies being contracted to manage criminals often require fraud investigations themselves, the Secretary of State is considering integrating more private companies with the criminal justice system, citing a clear conscience with employing rats to watch government cheese as long as it’s at a reduced rate.
Yes, Kate is still pregnant.
19 year-old Justin Carter has been temporarily released from jail on $500K USD bond after 5 months; the charge: making terrorist threats, i.e. sarcasm.
In February, the youth was engaged in a Facebook feud over a video game. When the other party called Justin “crazy”, he verbally retaliated with, “I’m f@#%$ in the head alright. I’ma [sic] shoot up a kindergarten and watch the blood of the innocent rain down and eat the beating heart of one of them” followed immediately by internet idioms, “LOL” and “J/K”, meaning ‘laughing out loud’ and ‘just kidding’, respectively.
An unidentified woman, allegedly living in Canada, sought out Carter’s information online, found his address and linked police to his residence.
If convicted, he faces a 10 year prison term – for sarcasm.
Meanwhile, authentic terrorists everywhere are offended.
Edwhistleblower Snowden, who remains in limbo in a Russian airport transit area, has petitioned Russia to stay “until such time as these (Western) states accede to law and my legal travel is permitted.” The former NSA contractor no longer has legal travel documents that would permit him to travel to Venezuela, one of the countries that gladly offered him asylum.
Many believe that since the entire world is watching, the time has come for Snowden to face his accusers. The US has been putting a considerable amount of pressure on nations in an effort to flush him back to the States to face espionage charges. Snowden has, in turn, made a citizen’s arrest by reportedly indicating he wants the US to also face charges of violating the Fourth Amendment for searching and seizing citizens’ personal information sans warrant or probable cause.
It would appear, Mr. Obama that you and your administration are under arrest. However, your pursuit of Mr. Snowden, in tandem with major media outlets reporting on said-pursuit, has been a major success in distracting the public from the main elephant – PRISM.
And yes, Kate is…o’ never mind.
That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Cheeribum! Be sure to check out Mexico’s Parque Eco Alberto’s Nightwalk theme park attraction and experience what its like to run for the border! Nightwalk simulates an illegal border crossing from Mexico into the United States. Fun, fun, fun!
And remember darlings, when the question is, “Why?” the answer is always “Money.” Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one. #GodSaveTheQueen