Global News Roundup – 5 Οκτωβρίου 2013

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

US Congress Invokes Indefinite Federal Holiday for Government Employees Against Their Will

 

 

What is the problem, you may ask. Here it is: Democrats are refusing any stopgap spending bill to fund the government that comes with strings attached. Republicans are refusing to back away from attempts to cock-block the newly implemented health care law.

The longer the government remains closed, the closer America comes to fiscal calamity of Biblical proportions when the government hits their debt ceiling on the 17^th of this month.

Over 8 million women and children risk of not getting supplemental aid and patients with terminal diseases have been turned away from national clinics.

I guess the saying is true – when elephants play, the grass gets trampled.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Well, it looks as though we’ve come to the end of the road, mates.

 

 

 

 

No, not that road, Silk Road Marketplace (SRM).

 

 

On October 1^st the Federal Government was shut down, On October 2^nd Silk Road Marketplace was shut down – seems shutdown is the name of the game in the States right now.

Pharmaceutical consumers from all around the world are mourning the loss of a major supplier of goods and services, namely Silk Road.  Yes, the US’ Federal Bureau of Investigation has shut down the illicit marketplace and taken its owner/operator, DPR, into custody. DPR has retained a lawyer, a public defender, which assures he will most certainly be off to prison shortly.

Subscribers who were once able to buy drugs and have them shipped to any address, bolstering shipping and postal industries, will now be forced to return to dangerous, shadowy back alleys to complete their transactions. SRM sold a variety of goods and services including heroin and The Divine Herb, and offered educational tutorials in hacking, but it prohibited the sale of anything that had with it the intention to harm or defraud – namely child porn, WMD and stolen credit cards/identities.

SRM, which ran on the Onion net/TOR making it was difficult to track, was also responsible for over 1B (9.5M BTC) in sales, which though it was all “dirty” money, sullied skrilla, the US government will demand and extract their unfair share beginning at DPR’s trial which has yet to be put on the calendar.

DPR, nee Ross William Ulbricht, was no ordinary entrepreneur however. He was an overachiever with a degree in material sciences who, according to doting parents, successfully completed a thesis on – wait for it – Growth of EuO Thin Films by Molecular Beam Epitaxy.

You’ll undoubtedly see reports on how ‘the FBI brought down DPR.’ Know that these reports are disingenuous and at the very least, false. DPR was not caught through NSA spying or Government Intel; he was found out by way of his own stupidity and sloppiness. Asking IT professionals in the bitcoin (BTC) community to contact you via firstnamelastname@gmail.com was just mindless. He would have done well to view Tarantino’s Reservoir Dogs in which everyone’s name was a colour.

DPR also violated the Scarface Rule of never getting high on your own supply when he ordered and received fake IDs in 9 different names all with his picture on them – stupid, even if you are planning to use them to rent additional site servers. This shipment was found by the authorities. But to all you subscribers to SRM, relax. He’s not dead, only mostly-dead. Now if he was all-dead there’s only one thing you can do: go through his pockets and look for loose change. Oh, the Feds are already doing that. Nevermind.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Elsewhere in our former colony, motorists behaving badly…

Crotch-rockets, they call them, are motorbikes, not feminine toys, and by now you may (or may not) have seen shocking footage from the helmet-cam of a biker riding one of these crotch things.  Gotham City Police Commissioner Ray Kelly indicated over 200 calls from motorists came in around the time of the ‘incident’ to complain about the reckless manner in which the bikers on these crotch things were driving on the roadway.

In the video, a driver can be seen running over what is originally thought to be a bike, but unfortunately turned out to be a biker who suffered fractures in all of his ribs, a crushed spine, and bruised lungs as well as possible paralysis of his lower extremities.

You all know the story:

Swarm of bikers descend on unsuspecting motorists

Biker cuts SUV off

Biker cannot calculate time x distance and suddenly brakes for no apparent reason

Biker gets bumped as SUV stops

Bikers swarm SUV

Motorist feels threatened and peels off through the street, catching unwitting biker undertow

Bikers follow in hot pursuit

Bikers attack driver

Etcetera, etcetera…

The moral of the story here kids is: Don’t play chicken with someone bigger than you.

Clearly the biker who cut in front of the SUV is the one who initiated the fracas, ultimately causing the injuries sustained by the other unfortunate biker. But don’t take my word for it; I’m only on my 2^nd cup of Earl Grey Goose tea. See for yourself.

After viewing the footage, the bikers instigated the incident and the poor bloke who got run over was caught up in the melee. The driver could not have reasonably been expected to do things differently, could he?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Commandments for Chinese Tourists: Thou Shalt Not Embarrass Thy Country by Picking Thy Nose in Public

Now that China has much of the world’s money, its residents are traveling abroad to see which lands remain unconquered. Chinese expenditures abroad are topping out at over 100B annually.

To maintain Chinese status quo, officials in the country have issued a rule book on how to be Chinese abroad, the Guidebook for Civilized Tourism. The rules include not pissing in pools and stealing life jackets from air crafts – who does that anyway?

Notice how the faces are pale and the hair has that euro- coif? Yep, that’s the general underlying rule – blend in as much as possible with the nation’s bourgeoisie as much as possible.

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Morocco’s Great Kiss-off

Who knew in our 21^st century that this:

would lead to this:

and not in the way you’re thinking you perverts!

The young couple – 14 & 15 – who learned the hard way are currently detained in separate juvenile facilities after a local news outlet dry snitched by printing a copy of the photo which catches them in violation of a public decency law. The kissing bandits who sparked several copycat photos on Facebook are due in court next week.

 

 

 

Short and Sweet this week lovelies, running with the ankle monitor to catch the tail end of Oktoberfest so that’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERI-BUM!

And remember darlings, Babylon System is the vampire. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

Global News Weekly Roundup – 14 Septiembre 2013

Well, the toast of the town and the post of the week awards appear to go to the man with the stone expression Vladimir Putin. With 24-hour news channels, 3G, 4G, Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, et al, Vlad writes a post in a New York periodical due to “insufficient communication” between the societies. Could he have not just picked up the phone?

In perusing the piece, I agreed on some points, was perplexed by some, and amused by some. I agree that a US strike against Syria would result in more violence, not less. Putin’s announcement that Russia was not protecting the Syrian government, but rather the laws of the lands made me chuckle as we all know there exists a sort of brotherhood between he and Assad, and perhaps rightfully so as they are terribly close in proximity. What affects one will undoubtedly affect the other.

Can one argue the suggestion of exceptionalism in America, who has long suffered from egocentrism and at times arrogance serving as the world’s self-appointed police officer flitting about the world trying to colonise territories with histories, traditions, and religions that run counter to the American concept of democracy all in the name of oil freedom? Are Americans really satisfied with their involvement in Afghanistan and Iraq? But you can’t go by me; I’m only on my 2^nd cup of Early Grey Goose tea.

Top of the evening to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

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Jamaican Bad Apples Spoiling the Whole Bunch in Barbados, Drug Mules Creating Division Between Islands

If you are a Jamaican national attempting to gain entry into Barbados with a Jamaican passport and you get this look from customs officials,

don’t take it personally. Blame it instead on your fellow Jamaican travelers.

Apparently Jamaicans smuggle so much weed onto the popular Caribbean island, they need their own resident lawyer. Jamaican native Jaydene Thomas, who currently practices law in Barbados, has grown weary with her post of pleading cases for Jamaican smugglers and mules on what she says has become a weekly basis.  Following her work with a young, pregnant mule who ingested drugs, Thomas says that fellow Jamaicans who utilize the court’s frequent flyer program add to the negative view about Jamaicans and result in non-smuggling Jamaicans being denied entry – over 1,400 were denied entry in the last 5 years – or gaining entry, but being subjected to less than sociable treatment by officials.

Seemingly Jamaicans are very persistent entrepreneurs who are simply trying to fill an obvious demand that originates within Barbados’ borders. Apparently there is no ganja growing in Barbados, and Jamaicans have merely stepped in to fill the void.

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NSA Sends CSEC Floral Bouquet, Thankful for Decryption Capabilities

We all know by now that the NSA is spying on everyone in the universe and that blocking their attempts seems almost futile unless you have certain handy tips outlined in my July 13 post.  However, that has changed with the entrance of Canada’s Communications Security Establishment (CSEC) into the open cadre of super-spies alongside the likes of the International Man of Mystery, England’s finest.

CSEC enabled NSA to decrypt data that you worked so hard to encrypt. All that porn, those photos you thought disappeared on Snapchat, the shipment of cocaine you’ve been plotting, all your money laundering, and all that international espionage you’ve been busying yourself with between naps is all laid bare before Big Brother – and all it took was a little ‘finessing.’ The reality of the situation is that CSEC released control of the standards process to NSA actually hoping the news would leak in an effort to distract Canadians from noticing they are actively being watched by CSEC sans warrants either directly or through its consortium of spies inclusive of the US, UK, Australia, and New Zealand better known by their mafia name – the Five Eyes. Yes, thank you CSEC, thank you.

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Japan Pissed at Being France’s Newest Victim of Cartoon Cruelty

Japan’s Chief Cabinet Secretary Yoshihide Suga is crying foul over an unflattering animation in French publication Le Canard Enchaine that portrayed the ill-effects of the Fukushima nuclear meltdown – skinny, mutated sumo wrestlers – in honour of Japan’s win to host the 2020 Olympics.

After almost 3 years, tens of thousands of residents still have not been able to return to their homes due to the nuclear disaster that struck the Fukushima Daiichi plant. Radioactive waste is said to still be seeping into the nearby grounds. While Prime Minister Shinzo Abe assured the International Olympic Committee that he and his team had the situation “under control,” Suga reportedly told BBC, “This kind of journalism gives the wrong impression about the waste water problem.”

We agree.  Just ask the 3-eyed fish growing pubic hair in the waters nearby.

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China Continues Spending Spree, Puts $16M Deposit Down on Barbados

Cheapside Market, Lloyd Erskine Sandiford Centre, and the Wildey Gymnasium have been held up as shining examples of the economic progress and improvements Barbados’ residents have enjoyed as a result of partnership between the island and the People’s Republic of China. Construction and infrastructure development throughout the island has been done through Chinese grants and interest-free loans. But we all know that while the loans are interest free, nothing is really free when money is attached.

China has been placing holding deposits all over the globe with down payments made in Nigeria, Barbados, parts of the US, and more recently, Jamaica’s Goat Island.  Forget learning Spanish in school, we recommend learning Mandarin.

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Things White Nuts Say, Germany’s Petty Colour Problems

Its election time in Germany and almost all eyes are fixed on Merkel, who has suffered a recent dip in polls while challenger Steinbrück is quietly creeping upwards. An ad firm employed by the Italian company responsible for Ferrero Rochers, you know, those little hazelnut candies with the chocolate filling that come in gold wrapped balls, took ad-vantage of election season and used it as a theme in a commercial for Ferrero Kusschen.

Yes, a big-ass talking chocolate box at an election rally heralding, “We want white Ferrero Küsschen forever.”  Enthusiasts hold placards reading, “Yes Weiss Can”, meaning Yes White Can, “Weiss Nuss Bleiben” meaning White Nuts Stay, and “Germany Votes White.” Critics’ complaints that the advert is racist and xenophobic resulted in Ferrero preemptively removing the ad in lieu of waiting for consumers to weigh in.

Ferrero insists they were talking about chocolate, not people. Of course they were talking about chocolates; there aren’t any other voting options in Germany other than white as Karamba Diaby is still being primed.

I mean, adverts can’t be racist, can they? Take for instance this one,

or this one,

or this one,

or this one,

or this one,

or…

No. Adverts can’t be racist, that’s pure rubbish.

Do you think the Ferrero Kusschen advert is subtly xenophobic as critics claim? Chat back in the comments, unless you’re a voyeur in which case, keep calm and carry on.

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In other news, though summer season is winding down, the Burkini (and Veilkini) continues to make splashes in some German communities following a ruling by a German court requiring a young lass to take part in school swimming lessons. While some of her Muslim classmates are already wearing the modest swim attire, the stellar student’s Moroccan parents argued the lessons run counter to their faith practices and principles of modesty. The 13 year old wants to swim, but separate from boys as she says Islam prohibits her from wearing a swimsuit in the presence of males, and seeing males topless.

The burkini, seen below, has previously been modeled by our very own Nigella Lawson. I personally celebrate modest apparel, but I don’t think I could pull this off, do you?

 

 

 

A. Full Coverage – Can’t Touch This

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

B. Peekaboo Tankini – You Can Look, But You Can’t Touch

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

C. ‘I had an unfortunate incident with a piranha’

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

D. Just Some String from the Craft Store

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Elsewhere, German nightclubs have fallen under the watchful eye of the keepers of political correctness for what some are calling racist door policies after a local student of Kurdish descent filed a lawsuit because he was denied entry to top hotspot Agostea.

A judge awarded the student €1K as a result of Agostea’s infraction, violating the 2006 General Equal Treatment Law.

A bouncer on duty the night of the alleged incident reportedly told the well-coiffed plaintiff that, “The boss doesn’t want foreigners to come in.”

My outrage at this incident should be obvious.

Did your boss tell you to tell ‘foreigners’ he didn’t want them to come in, dumbass?

That’s akin to a kid answering a ringing home phone and the parent instructing them to tell the person on the other end that the parent is not at home. The kid answers and politely tells the caller, ‘Mi mum said to tell you she’s not here.’

Honestly, I’m not defending ‘racist’ door policies, but many of us know that nightclubs sell exclusivity when they are building their brand by setting atmosphere in their venues. Usually this is achieved by only letting ‘pretty people’ inside, you know, the skinny, shiny, happy, rich-looking people. Would the student in question have upset the atmosphere at Agostea? Dunno, perhaps; perhaps not, but the mere fact that one can sue an establishment and be awarded this amount of skrilla makes all nightclubs vulnerable and soon they could be closing their doors completely. A racist door policy is hard to prove under the current nightclub theme of exclusivity, except in cases of racist bouncers revealing their boss’ racist policies. Similar cases are pending in 5 other regions.

A lawyer for the club is said to be appealing the ruling as he has footage from inside the club that shows while it wasn’t a total blackout, it wasn’t just a white party either.

Perhaps we should all take a page out of Peer Steinbrück’s book and start our own clubs.

picture-alliance/dpa/Alfred Steffen/SZ-Magazin

Have you been to Agostea? What’s the real deal? Enquiring minds want to know.

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Church of Scotland Considering Banning Heterosexual Weddings

Despite blessed assurances by the Scottish government regarding protections for religious bodies not amenable to conducting homosexual wedding ceremonies, the Church of Scotland has made alternate arrangements.

In a preemptive strike against potential litigation involving its ministers who would be refusing to officiate homosexual wedding ceremonies, the CoS is considering ceasing officiating all weddings, both hetero- and homosexual alike citing, ‘if we discriminate against everyone, then its fair.’

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That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – HIDEY HO! And remember darlings, when the question is ‘why?’ the answer is always ‘money.’

Enjoy the weekend, and this video from Slinger “Mighty Sparrow” Francisco who IS NOT DEAD, but remains in serious condition in a NY hospital.

#GodSaveTheQueen

Mid-week Mashup: Just Make Me Laugh – Online Funnies

Mid-Week Mashup (noun): A brief distraction from a steady stream of global news and talking heads; may take on any variation of random forms.

Good morrow to you, precious bastards! This week’s Midweek Mashup comes to you in the form of:

Just Make Me Laugh

Since the advent of the internet a few years ago, our world has become smaller, and as such we have been able to share things with each other that we weren’t able to just a few years back.  Most of you who goof off at work all day know what I’m talking about. The internet has allowed us to see what goes on in other people’s backyards, taught us how to apply makeup, how to play guitar chords like the pros, and even how to twerk.

When I’m online, I mainly am looking for medicinal laughter, the kind of laughter that can lift you out of a momentary funk within minutes of visual application.

These are the top 6 things that have made me and my cronies laugh out loud while we surf the internet (in no particular order).

Tutorials

At times, I search out what products to use on my hair to achieve certain modern and stylish looks. Never did I think to look for products I should not use on my hair, but this tutorial sums up what not to do when trying to look like that lass on the magazine cover.

News Segments

As a news reporter, I appreciate a good segment that is professionally done, even if its simply about road conditions. This sky-report is one of them.

Classic Soap Operas

Sometimes I just want to space out while the telly is on and watch serials from days gone by like As the Stomach Turns.

Silent Films

There are moments when the chattering heads of journalists leaves me wanting silence, at the same time wanting a good film. So what’s a good alternative for a housebound gal? A good silent film.

Dating Tips

Being single in a coupled-up world can be daunting when you too are trying to locate your bloody lobster. I’m always wondering what my male counterparts do to attract that special someone.

Hmm, perhaps they should try one of those services?

Cultural Politics

This next video was informative in demonstrating how culture plays a role in political responses. What if “too cool for school” American President Barack Obama was a short-tempered Jamaican? Would the US have gone to war again? Perhaps George Bush has Jamaican roots – out of many, one people.

You see that button…in the upper right corner? The “x”, click it and go back to work. I’ll be round to tell you what you missed in news in a few days from now. Will the Scots leave the UK? Will Nicki Minaj accept DJ Khaled’s proposal? #YMCBWeddingWatch

Stay tuned – Cheeri-bum! #GodSavetheQueen

Global News Weekly Roundup – July 20 2013

Top of the morning afternoon to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree? This week’s mid-week mashup was ENjoyable! I’ve been pairing my wines with everything from breakfast foods, to spliffs, to chocolates, and I’ve been doing fine, just fine! I think even Her Majesty may be lightening up about my little legal matter. I know dear Charles has.

 

 

 

 

 

 

But enough about me; where are my manners?

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Monday

George Zimmerman Petitions Russia for Asylum, Asks Edward Snowden “Can I stay with you?”

American neighbourhood watchman George Zimmerman has reportedly started the week off by petitioning Russian leader Vladimir Putin for asylum claiming that he lives in daily fear for his life following his ‘Not Guilty’ verdict in the shooting death of an American youth of African descent named Trayvon Martin.

It is reported that in his petition, Zimmerman stated he was in “no position to live out the remainder of his life under the watchful eye of passersby, misjudged by potential employers, and in fear of being shot/killed – you know, life as a black man.”

While reactions to the verdict were split with some in favour and some opposed, several observers claimed the verdict was nothing more than “payback for OJ.”

He is also said to have reached out to fellow ostracized American, Edward Snowden, as a potential flat-mate. No word on Snowden’s response.

Senior Drug Distribution Executive Arrested in Mexico

CEO of Fortune 500 drug distribution company, Merck Zetas, Miguel Angel “Z-40” Trevino, has been arrested along with 2 other executive staff members.

While many are hopeful of a decrease in the violence employed by the organization, some indicate that Trevino’s arrest will have no real impact on the US-Mexico drug trade.

A source close to the case, speaking on condition of anonymity, stated “Mr. Trevino is a businessman in a very lucrative business. Its all about supply and demand. Zetas works very hard at supplying the insatiable American pharmaceutical demand. Its unfair, but someone is already primed to take over.”

It is unclear whether Trevino’s brother, Omar “Z-42”, will take over the reins or if it will be split between the DEA and the Sinaloa cartel, as in times past.

And yes, Kate is still pregnant.

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Tuesday

Pippa Pissed at @Pippatips

Seeking to throw her sister’s weight around, Pippa Middleton has unleashed her attack-lawyers on Icon Books in an effort to get them to remove the loveable Twitter account ‘@Pippatips.’

The witty @Pippatips is a charming, advice-ridden Twitter account that highlights Ms. Middleton’s own style. Offering advice such as “Headache tablets can be a great in helping deal with a headache” and “Dressing up in nice clothes is a stylish way to look great at a party” is deemed a public service, not a nuisance as Pippa claims. Its pure parody Mat Morrisroe- and Suzanne Azzopardi-style, i.e. its not that serious and neither is a woman named “Pippa.”
By the way, her sister is STILLLLLLL pregnant.

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Wednesday

Pakistani leader shocked by attack on Malala, tries to lure her with promise of education

Adnan Rasheed penned a letter expressing shock over the shooting of young Malala Yousafzai by members of his own extremist group. Sources close to the story say his shock over the shooting of the young activist was said to be because “the Taliban’s infamy is rooted in bombings, not shootings.”

Rasheed invited Malala back to Pakistan, calling for her to

Malala, now living in central England, responded to the offer with a simple

The Taliban leader indicated the supposed smear campaign is an act any reasonable human being can determine to be bad behavior, but the judgment of the shooting of a teenaged girl ‘must be left to God.’

No, Kate hasn’t had that bloody baby yet.

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Thursday

Fans Introduce Snack-sharing Program During Rihanna Concert

UK music lovers are serious, hardworking and generous people and demonstrated those attributes recently at pop star Rihanna’s Diamonds World Tour at Manchester Arena when the junior diva arrived late for her own performance.

While it was rumoured that some of the shows attendees began throwing their crisps at the singer in retribution for her tardiness, some at the show countered that by citing that fans had waited so long for the show to start, they began sharing their provisions among each other while they waited patiently for the proverbial ‘curtain to rise.’ #BeOnTimeForWork #ShineBrightLikeaPringle

In other news,

American Actress Develops Gestational Cannabis Withdrawal

Evan Rachel Wood has been mindful to keep her Twitter-family appraised of her pregnancy through frequent updates. Referring to her pregnancy as a “whirlwind roller-coaster”, the 25 year old has confessed she was craving pickled onions and peanut butter Pop Tarts, cravings  she suggests were undoubtedly brought on by her severely reduced marijuana intake.

It has been reported that the actress only smokes marijuana as prescribed by her doctor for treatment of mild to moderate glaucoma. #WinkWinkNudgeNudge

Guantanamo to Offer Free Prostate Exams and Colonoscopies

The US government is celebrating a recent court decision that allows it to perform prostate exams and colonoscopies on all detainees of Guantanamo Bay’s naval base located in Cuba.

The procedures, recommended by physicians to be done on an annual basis, are performed at Guantanamo several times a day – prior to leaving one’s cell, and upon return, at least several times a day.

The US extols the frequency of the intimate medical procedures and their two-fold benefit, citing: 1) early detection of cancers or abnormalities leads to early treatment and 2) it serves to decrease the rate of smuggling by inmates because everyone knows that terrorists smuggle secrets under their balls and in their anal cavities.

There simply is no other way to degrade an inmate.

Kate is holding that baby in her womb for ransom.

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Friday

Accidental Actress Reminds People She is Alive, People Forget Again Shortly After Announcement

Recently, actress Rae Dawn Chong took to the airwaves for reasons unknown and quickly began efforts to become famous – by attacking a well-known and beloved celebrity, Oprah Winfrey. We are unsure of why she was on the radio programme and our sources were as well, as they thought Chong had died some time ago following her role with Winfrey. Chong appeared alongside Winfrey several hundred years ago in the film The Color Purple; at present, Chong is starring in solo work, Green with Envy.

While we take no issues with being an overachiever, it seems that Chong does as she proceeded to applaud Winfrey for being “a total biotch,” “a great brown-noser,” and the “fat chick in school that did everything and everyone loved her.”

While many may be unfamiliar with Chong, you should be familiar with this story line: person makes insanely inappropriate comments, person claims comments were taken out of context, person apologizes profusely citing previously unknown mental illness for ‘irrational behaviour’. We’ve all seen this one – if not this woman – before.

When asked for her response, Oprah’s camp declined to comment; however, our sources said the former talk show host could be overheard saying

That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – CHEERIO!  Be sure to check out events in your local area, and do tell everyone about it – that’s how we knit…our community together of course.

And remember darlings, a pessimist is just a well-informed optimist. Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen

Global News Weekly Round-up – July 13 2013

Editor’s note: This report contains no explicit language that readers may find offensive. My apologies.

As I sit calmly enjoying my full English breakfast complete with a healthy serving of Early Grey Goose tea, I ponder one of life’s many conundrums: why do men have nipples?  I also wonder why, after scouring and devouring the news from all over our fair globe, why haven’t I read of my own legal troubles in the Daily Mail? Why hasn’t Piers Morgan reported on former FBNN news reporter Sunshine deMorning’s arrest?  Is it because Her Majesty has decided that there shall be no report of my situation? Is this the intent of a cover-up? Have I slipped unknowingly into the bum-crack of a major scandal? But enough about me; where are my manners?

Top of the morning to you, you precious bastards. It has been yet another rather eventful week around our lovely globe; wouldn’t you agree?

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Monday

The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill: Only Little People Pay Taxes 

This week, American Grammy-winner Lauryn Hill decided she was ‘ready for the show’ as she presented to a minimum security prison in Danbury, Connecticut to serve a 3 month sentence for tax evasion.  Her attorney could be overheard saying, “If I ruled the world, Ms. Hill, a mother of 6, would have received probation, but the prosecution sought to settle the score by giving my client prison time instead.”

In some media reports, Hill has been portrayed as just another millionaire elitist who feels the sweetest thing was pocketing the taxes on over $2M USD of income. The prosecuting attorney echoed the sentiment when she lauded Hill’s charity work, but called her defense “a parade of excuses centering around her feeling put upon,” to which the Fu Gee La singer responded, “Everything is everything.”

Big Brother Cited for Discriminatory Practices, GinaMarie Zimmerman: I’m Racist Too! 

Big Brother 15 contestant GinaMarie Zimmerman is crying foul after the show caved to public pressure and aired the dirty laundry of only one of its most infamous housemates, 22 year old Aaryn Gries.  Zimmerman took umbrage at the show’s montage highlighting Gries’ racially inappropriate commentary directed to an Asian housemate (she was recorded telling Korean-American housemate, Helen Kim, to “shut up, go make some rice”) and a homosexual housemate (who she referred to as “that queer”) while excluding her own racially inappropriate comments, which were directed at an African American housemate (“Be careful what you say in the dark because you might not be able to see the b@!$#.”)

Sources cite Gries’ ability to verbally degrade two groups of people made her not only an “equal opportunity racist”, but also more palatable as a reality TV villain,  whereas Zimmerman’s singular comment just made her seem like a hater, leading to her verbal indiscretions being omitted from the show’s montage.

Consequently, both Gries and Zimmerman have lost their employment since the comments were made public.  In an effort to rebound financially, the two have been exploring ways to make money selling drugs.

Drug work is work. I am not personally advocating this type of work, as it is lucrative yet very dangerous – much like working for the NSA. You must however, make your own decisions.

By the way, Kate is still very much impregnated. The sperm has indeed hit the egg, but the fetus has not yet left the stall.

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Tuesday

Global Perception of Corruption Increases, Now on Par With Actual Corruption

In other news, the annual survey, Global Corruption Barometer, conducted by Berlin-based Transparency International (TI) recently published its findings that reveal people’s perception of, and participation in, corruption.  More than half of the 114,000 respondents believe that corruption has increased in recent times. The survey also showed that the greasiest palms belong to politicians, police, and the judiciary. Additionally, the survey found that water is indeed wet.

According to the survey, 27% of respondents paid a bribe during the past year to access public services. 2/3 had been asked to pay a bribe, but refused citing poverty.  51 countries identified political parties as the most corrupt institution. Huguette Labelle, TI’s Chair, indicated that people actually believed they had the power to stop corruption. Those people were also identified as believing that reindeer know how to fly. For more on TI’s findings as well as a map of the countries who pay the most in bribes, click here.

The US’ Afghan Problem: Love Don’t Live Here No More, Obama Pulling Out

After spending well over a decade in Afghanistan,  US President Barack Obama has threatened to completely remove all US troops from the nation citing, “failure to colonize” following a row with Afghan President Hamid Karzai.

The proverbial bloom fell off the rose when the US’ attempts to negotiate with the Taliban were met by Karzai’s stern disapproval.  Karzai reportedly accused the United States of “trying to negotiate a separate peace with both the Taliban and their backers in Pakistan”, which could result in an open door to Afghanistan’s enemies. Sources close to the US state that President Obama was merely trying to get the Taliban to reduce the taxes on opium; the Taliban has been known to control up to 96% of Afghanistan’s poppy fields, driving up the price of heroin throughout the world.

CNN Chief National Correspondent John King indicated senior administration officials regard dealing with Karzai as being on par with “dealing with a child”, leaving a very frustrated President Obama.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faced with the ‘zero-option’ threat during his last talk with President Obama, a defiant Karzai responded,

 

as he ended talks with the US.

While various foreign affairs pundits are confident that negotiations between Obama and Karzai will continue, it is also believed that Karzai  is confident that he now holds the upper hand as a complete pullout would put the United States at a strategic disadvantage in a volatile region and greatly reduce American access to reduced-rate oil and heroin.

 

 

Top 3 Ways to Fly Under the Radar of Government Spies – well, there are really 10 but I picked the top 3

In light of new revelations that France spies on its citizens, the following public service announcement is in order:

According to a report in French publication, Le Monde, French security service Direction Generale de la Securite Exterieure, like the US, has also been engaging in the naughty practice of monitoring its citizens’ calls, texts, emails, and internet searches from its underground headquarters. The revelation supports French President Francois Hollande’s position of hypocrisy following his faux outrage at US interception of French communications.

If you are like me, and you like to frustrate the authorities and challenge their policies, then Australian lecturer James H. Hamlyn-Harris has ways for citizens of the free world to decrease your government’s ability to spy on you on the internet.

#1 – 

Phone texts and emails are generally not secure and Microsoft, accused of collaborating with NSA and FBI by famed whistle-blower Edward Snowden, monitors your Skype chat. Explore a service that can offer web encryption and phone applications that can encrypt text messages.

#2 – 

Hamlyn-Harris’ recommended approach is using a serious encryption system scrambles the hell out of file contents with a strong algorithm.

And as in most, if not all, forms of life

#3 –

Hamlyn-Harris cites, “The only way to be sure is to encrypt your files before they leave your computer. Don’t use the provider’s encryption software. Use open source software.”

For the other 7 ways, click here.

Aaannndd…yes, that Middleton woman is still pregnant.

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Wednesday

China Makes $1B Down-payment on African Country

In its continued quest for world domination, China recently “loaned” the oil-rich Nigerian government $1.1B at a low interest under the guise of ‘infrastructure-building.’  The funds are said to be going towards building up airport terminals, roads, and transportation.

Xi Jinping, President of the People’s Republic of China was quoted as saying, “China and Nigeria had been brought together by a common task of pursuing national development.” However, sources close to the matter indicate that Jinping was referring only to China’s national development, not Nigeria’s.

Although China plans to conquer the world, the country does not show much animosity.  During a Christmas visit abroad, Jinping even wrote to Santa that China had the world’s best interests at heart and his impact on Nigeria’s oil industry will in no way resemble King Leopold’s impact on Congo’s rubber industry.

Goodluck Jonathan.

 

 

  Myanmar’s Military Problem: Kids Will Be Kids

In other news, Myanmar, a nation long riddled with accusations of human rights abuses has reportedly released 42 children from its armed forces in an effort to decrease the number of child soldiers and appease the UN.

While no conclusive data exists identifying just how many child soldiers are in the nation’s employ, sources estimate the actual number is closer to 5,000, causing some to criticize the country as merely  seeking international support and doing little in return.  Sources, speaking on condition of anonymity, have been quoted as saying the real reason the 42 children were released was due to the pint sized soldiers “talking back, throwing tantrums, and whining. You know, acting like children.”

Kate, I do believe you’re taking this thing a bit too far.

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Thursday

 Serco & G4S Charge Government for Monitoring Dead Offenders, Defends “Cost-sharing”

A recent PricewaterhouseCoopers audit has revealed that government contractors Serco and G4S have been overcharging for monitoring criminals, particularly ones who have been deceased for an extended period of time. Sources close to the firms cite that it simply cost more to monitor persons who live in other worlds.

Justice Secretary Chris Grayling was quoted as saying, “There has been a small number of cases where charging continued for a period when the subject was known to have died” which means there was a large number of cases, but admitting so would reflect badly on him.

Although companies being contracted to manage criminals often require fraud investigations themselves, the Secretary of State is considering integrating more private companies with the criminal justice system, citing a clear conscience with employing rats to watch government cheese as long as it’s at a reduced rate.

Yes, Kate is still pregnant.

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Friday

Texas Teen Jailed for Sarcasm Released on Bond

19 year-old Justin Carter has been temporarily released from jail on $500K USD bond after 5 months; the charge: making terrorist threats, i.e. sarcasm.

In February, the youth was engaged in a Facebook feud over a video game. When the other party called Justin “crazy”, he verbally retaliated with, “I’m f@#%$ in the head alright. I’ma [sic] shoot up a kindergarten and watch the blood of the innocent rain down and eat the beating heart of one of them” followed immediately by internet idioms, “LOL” and “J/K”, meaning ‘laughing out loud’ and ‘just kidding’, respectively.

An unidentified woman, allegedly living in Canada, sought out Carter’s information online, found his address and linked police to his residence.

If convicted, he faces a 10 year prison term – for sarcasm.

Meanwhile, authentic terrorists everywhere are offended.

 

 

 

 Snowden Has Re-requested Russian Asylum, Now Promises to Behave

Edwhistleblower Snowden, who remains in limbo in a Russian airport transit area, has petitioned Russia to stay “until such time as these (Western) states accede to law and my legal travel is permitted.” The former NSA contractor no longer has legal travel documents that would permit him to travel to Venezuela, one of the countries that gladly offered him asylum.

Many believe that since the entire world is watching, the time has come for Snowden to face his accusers.  The US has been putting a considerable amount of pressure on nations in an effort to flush him back to the States to face espionage charges. Snowden has, in turn, made a citizen’s arrest by reportedly indicating he wants the US to also face charges of violating the Fourth Amendment for searching and seizing citizens’ personal information sans warrant or probable cause.

It would appear, Mr. Obama that you and your administration are under arrest. However, your pursuit of Mr. Snowden, in tandem with major media outlets reporting on said-pursuit, has been a major success in distracting the public from the main elephant – PRISM.

And yes, Kate is…o’ never mind.

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That’s a wrap on this week’s global news roundup – Cheeribum!  Be sure to check out Mexico’s Parque Eco Alberto’s Nightwalk theme park attraction and experience what its like to run for the border! Nightwalk simulates an illegal border crossing from Mexico into the United States. Fun, fun, fun!

And remember darlings, when the question is, “Why?” the answer is always “Money.” Enjoy the weekend, and rest up for the week ahead. It should prove even more stimulating than this one.  #GodSaveTheQueen